Crew members aboard the Frigate HMS Rigging have returned to Southampton after six months patrolling the seas around Afghanistan to much confusion.
"We've pulled into port this week," said quartermaster Lou Tennant, "and we're told the entire world is looking for Higgs Boson. Well, we know where he was, he was on board with us the whole time. Whatever they think he's done, he aint, cos he's a diamond geezer."
Boson Higgs is currently on shore leave, visiting his old mum in Dorking, and was unavailable for comment.
"They said on the news they've built this really expensive detector in Switzerland," said Tennant. "Which is pointless really, because they only needed to go and check the roster and see where Higgsy was."
According to Tennant, Switzerland is hardly the best place to go looking for any boson.
"It's landlocked, innit?" he asked. "I reckon the Swiss navy have three pedallos and one of them origami hats that you can sail. There's no way they've got anything big enough to have a boson on."
Boson Higgs is expected to report back to duty aboard the HMS Rigging early in the new year when, hopefully, the confusion can be cleared up.
"Until he gets back," said Tennant, "if these boffins need to speak to Higgsy that bad, I'm sure somebody can dig his old mum's address up for them. Dorking's not exactly huge is it?"