After comprehensive research by scientists in Geneva, proof has been published that the popular festive condiment of cranberry sauce not only compliments turkey, but also combats the misery of piles.
Over a duration of 6 months, experimental research was carried out on a group of carefully selected haemmorhoid sufferers. Twice daily, they had to apply cranberry sauce to their farmers under controlled conditions at the research headquarters in Saint-Derriere, Geneva, under the strict instruction and guidance of Professor Franc D'scussion. The piles were then examined and measured following treatment. Once the data was collected, it was evident that turkeys are not the only ones who benefit from a bit of cranberry on the nether regions.
One anonymous test volunteer was happy to confirm the virtues of this incredible new treatment:
' Zut alors! Ah could not beleef it! For much time I 'av 'ad to put up with the 'orrible pain of ze farmers. Eet was like 'aving ze bunch of grapes 'anging out. Since I 'ave been putting ze cranberry on, I am a changed man. Ze farmers 'ave dispappeared like a rat up ze pipe of ze drain!'
Marie-Chantal L'escargot, the research headquarter director praised the work of the scientists involved.
' Zay 'ave been marvellous. Ze evidence is amazing. Ze group oo applied ze cranberry showed clear shrinkage of ze farmers. Two test subject groups were set up for zis study. One group applied ze cranberry sauce, ze other a mixture of over ze counter creams and sauce of ze tomato, sauce of ze HP and sauce of ze mint. Ze only benefit from ze other sauces was we 'ad somefing to put on our baguettes at ze lunchtime. Ze cranberry was ze clear winner.'
After this research was published last week, a steep rise in cranberry sauce sales was expected around Europe, although East London resident Fred Flange, poo pooed the research, when stopped and asked for his reaction by Esther Rantzen, reporting for BBC3's 'London Vibe' magazine programme last Friday:
' So bleeding what? Dunno what the big bleeding fuss is about. I've been slapping it on me farmers for years, with or without research. Don't need some bleeding science tosser to tell me it works.'