Scientists sensationally found a cure for the most common cause of fatality - death. More than 20 boffins in the USA found that death kills 99% of all people in the world, and searched hard for a cure.
This morning the team of brains from Boston University were found smoking ten cigarettes at a time, shooting themselves in the head and jumping off the top of the building after discovering the magical medicine that allowed them to do pretty much anything to themselves and survive. Proffesor Ted McGinley laughed, "We can do anything now! With death cured the whole world can benefit."
The research was funded by tobacco giants Malboro, and was followed by a statment from the company this morning, read by chairman Nick B. Elzebub.
"Due to our discoveries we can safely say that smoking does not cause fatalities. Death causes fatalities, and now its cured everyone can enjoy the sweet smoky teet of a Malboro 1."
George W. Bush, the cute and cuddly president of the USA, made legal the sale of cigarettes to all people regardless of age. Tony Blair is due to follow suit, because he does anything Bush says.
The Grim Reaper was seen signing on the DSS following his redundancy. Possible areas of employment include traffic warden, politician, dentist or reaper of souls within an office framework.