Written by Mudwizard
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Tuesday, 13 December 2011

The most coveted prize in particle physics - the Higgs bosom - may have been glimpsed, say researchers reporting at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) in Geneva today.

The Higgs Bosom is purported to be the means by which everything in the Universe obtains its mass through a process of sub-atomic weaning. Swiss scientists say that two experiments at the LHC have seen hints of the Higgs dual mass, fueling huge excitement, especially among the male staff who are said to be rising to the occasion. "I thought I saw a flash of nipple", claimed drooling male Swiss scientist Eric Tile.

But the LHC does not yet have enough data evidence to claim a discovery. The spokesman went on to say, "We need to see both bosoms in all their full glory. A flashing tease is not enough; for the sake of science we have to get them out for the lads. Finding the Higgs bosom would be one of the biggest scientific advances of the last 60 years; since the discovery of Butler's buttocks in fact. It is crucial for allowing us to make sense of the Universe. Many scientist, from Einstein to Hawking, have conceived theories that expound the meaning of life as,'a big pair of tits'; now we have an opportunity to prove them right."

"As of today, what we saw as a flashing nipple is consistent either with a background fluctuation or with the presence of Higgs bosom itself", Prof Rolf-Dieter Harris, director-general of Cern, told BBC News, "Such signals can come and go… although there is correspondence between the two experiments, we need more solid evidence. We cannot tell what it is yet"

Prof Lech Tateing, from the University of Peckham, called the quality of the LHC's results "Jubbly jumbo-mumbo", adding," I believe this whole Higgs bosom theory is a nonsense.I am expecting the whole thing to go pear shaped quite honestly. Personally, I think Higgs has a nice legs...and we should be looking for those".

A BBC spokesman has assured us that the BBC will keep us abreast of developments as and when they happen.

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