Dentists across the UK are opposed to government measures to increase the so-called 5-a-day, and want the opposite.
"We need Britons to reduce to three a day, or even two a day," said Denby Twist of the Dorking Dentistry School. "The last thing we should be seeing is an increase in the amount of fruit and vegetables people are eating."
According to Twist in an attempt to be healthy, Britons have been munching their way through ever increasing amounts of fruit and vegetables, which is having a disastrous effect on their teeth.
"Human teeth aren't designed to eat two satsumas, three plums, an apple, a banana, seven strawberries, a handful of blueberries and a pair of Kiwi fruit every day on top of their usual diet of a carrot, a handful of peas and broccoli," said Twist. "This is what the latest crazy figures coming out of the government are suggesting."
Health ministers have admitted that the 5-a-day campaign was plucked out of the air.
"We asked nutritional scientists what amount of fruit and veg people should eat each day," said Phil Hammond, minister for Health. "No two could agree. Some said it didn't matter, others said twelve, a few said three. In the end, we made a figure up. Now people are used to it, we feel we can increase it."
The reasons behind the increase are a subtle way to get the country to eat less meat, require less cows, and produce less methane to meet emission targets for 2015.
"That's rather convoluted," said Hammond. "How could it possibly be true?"
Twist has a warning for any individual who attempts to reach the new targets.
"Eating more fruit will destroy your teeth," he said. "It doesn't matter how often you clean them. Fruit acid is more corrosive than a bag of granulated sugar."
Twist has even more alarming news for followers of health trends.
"In fact, eating is just bad for your teeth. We'd have no cavities at all if people didn't eat anything. We need the country on one hundred percent water diet."
When it was pointed out that this would mean an end for the need for dentists, Twist had a sudden change of heart.
"Twelve-a-day sounds feasible, doesn't it?" he asked.