Latest legislation passed in Brussels will make it a crime to say that water is wet.
The news follows hard on the decision by the European Food Standards Authority (EFSA) that water does not hydrate.
A meeting of 21 Euroboffins in Parma came to the conclusion, which has been turned into a EU directive. It means bottled water companies can no longer say that regular consumption can reduce the risk of dehydration.
"Yes, zees ees werry true," said a bizarrely-accented EFSA spokesman. "Vater cannot be rehydrating you and also it is not being vet, ve heff dezided.
"Zo, ze sellers of ze bottle vater - sin or con gas, as ve say, no? - cannot say it is recommended to drink eet.
"Also, you can no longer say zat you are zoaking vet ven you are caught in the ze rain or if you are falling in ze lake or ze river. If you do, you vill be subject to ze full rigours of Brussels law."
The directive is expected to cause uproar among European umbrella and mackintosh manufacturers.
Local man, Riccardo Chailly, who is no relation to the celebrated orchestra conductor, regularly wears a Gannex raincoat. "It's a right load of Euro-bollocks, all right. They'll be telling us it's not good for washing in next."