Written by MJ Pulse
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Monday, 23 January 2006

image for Record Cold Prompts Russian Plea for Faster Global Warming

Moscow- Bone chilling cold has gripped much of Russia, bringing the coldest temperatures in over 50 years. Dozens of people have perished in the winter blast causing Moscow to issue a plea to the International community in hopes of convincing industrialized nations to expedite global warming.

"We do not think the industrialized nations of the world are seriously committed to global warming and the greenhouse effect they can help contribute to", says Vladamir Stuponov, Russia's leading meteorologist. "We, Russia, can not be expected to carry this burden all alone. If greenhousing the earth is to work, every nation must do their part!"

Global warming has been a major concern to many scientists for decades now, but so far, there hasn't been any breakthrough in the effort to create a global tropical paradise for everyone. "While many areas of the globe bask in the warm sun year round, Russia has been left behind" remarks Stuponov as he starts another trash can fire on Pushkin Street near Red Square. "We're still freezing to death here in the dark ages but nobody cares."

Oddly enough, there are some nations actually fighting against the idea of a global tropic for reason not yet revealed. There have been allegations that many of the anti-global warming lobby, have financial ties to ski resorts, snow removal equipment manufacturers, and winter sporting apparel outlets. Others theorize it's a matter of racism towards Slavic, Nordic, and Eskimo people. "Whatever their reasons, they try to demonize the idea of global warming" says Alexander Gregnzetzki "But, I will bet you 10,000 rubles they would quickly change mind if spend one night living on street with me in Moscow!"

Russia has not seen temperatures this low in half a century and the nations vodka reserves are reaching an all-time low. "We are approaching levels similar to the great vodka shortage of 1961, it is terrible situation" reports Boris Kalishinkov, Minister of Nutrition at the Kremlin. "If these temperatures do not ease soon, we will have terrible disaster".

Normally, the hearty Russian people can easily survive the harsh winters on nothing but a head of cabbage and a healthy supply of vodka, but shortages of the drink of choice has health officials worried.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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