Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 10 November 2011

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Still sore from an afternoon of mitten restricted personal satisfaction

In an exhaustive study performed in 5 different cities across the U.S. and Canada, Doctors and nutritionists have proven that the constant wearing of winter mittens immediately promotes significant weight loss.

Aside from the obvious difficult attribute of grasping a knife, fork or spoon while wearing mittens, there are many other activities throughout the day that require "extra work" because of the dexterous limitation. "It's amazing really", says behavioral analyst Dr. Will E. Graspett, "how much extra activity, and of course calories are then required to accomplish a simple task while wearing mittens. What a fat burner!"

"He's absolutely right", says Boston test subject, Ben Thayer. "Opening the back door to let the dog out, making a pot of coffee, opening a package of bacon or a stick of butter, even trying to take a shower in the morning is a pain in the ass. In stead of sitting around to enjoy the morning, I'm still working hard to zip up my pants. Thank God I wear loafers".

Reactions to the mitten testing were similar across test groups. "They all seemed to be uniformly frustrated", said Graspett. "Let's not forget that frustration and stress added to the extra time to perform simple tasks just adds to the calorie burn".

The weight loss study did not take social or professional impacts of the mitten restriction into consideration however, resulting in 37% of study participants losing their jobs, while another 42% claimed a change in marital or relationship status.

"Yes, it makes it tougher to eat", admits Thayer, "but it also makes you look like a dork in public, you can't type anything into a computer, you can't take notes in a meeting, you can't dial a phone number, you can't successfully go to the bathroom or wipe effectively, and if you CAN figure out how to get a key into your car door lock, you can't properly satisfy your partner when you get home".

"Whiner", says Graspett. "The Thayer subject managed to lose 23 pounds in 3 weeks. Of course he did lose his job and his girlfriend, and he developed a fairly severe rash on his penis, we're not quite sure how".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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