Written by Ellie James
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Thursday, 10 November 2011

image for Is Your Date Crazy? You Need the Crazam App
Crazam can tell you if your date belongs in an insane asylum.

The makers of the how to teach kissing app have developed an app for the iPhone and Android phones that will analyze a potential date and give you information regarding the person through a password protected text message.

Jake Stephens of San Jose, California developed Crazam out of necessity. As he tells it, he was out one night with friends and met a really hot girl who, by morning, had become a man with a split personality and was a "close talker."

Crazam works by analyzing your date's voice and collecting characteristic traits undetectable to humans. Stephens has used research proven by a group of Harvard scientists to help develop his app. Just by allowing your date to talk into your phone, the app can tell if he or she is a cross dresser, clingy, wears his socks more than three days in a row, doesn't put the toilet seat down, or is a double dipper.

Additionally, the app can detect if your date will text you way too much, be a complete ass, talk to her friends about your problems, sing bad karaoke, or drinks orange juice from the bottle then puts it back in the fridge leaving you to drink the backwash.

Once the app analyzes the voice with the patented Voice Characteristic Detailer Thingy, then you will receive a password-protected text giving you all the details about your date, thus giving you time to quickly make an exit out the back door of the bar with no one being the wiser.

The app does have a major flaw that Stephens and his team are diligently trying to remedy. Instead of the date seeing an icon for a breath analysis machine, a Russian voice translator, or the Make Your Voice Sounds Like You've Just Inhaled Helium screen, there is a bug that makes it divert to the original "Is Your Date a Nutcase?" screen.

Stephens suggests that until the patch is working correctly, to make sure your date is drunk enough so they won't notice what the screen says.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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