Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 8 November 2011

image for Modern Warfare-3 Hidden Super Weapons Revealed
Bionic Shears - "For removing more than a little off the top"

Highly secretive gaming "cheat codes" were revealed to the public earlier today, as a corporate e-mail listing the locations and instructions for acquiring four super weapons was accidentally released to the public.

Insiders to the MW3 development team tell reporters that it was most likely a disgruntled background image artist that released the weapon cheats, suggesting that the graphic artist was demoted to the basement office to design garbage cans for MW4.

Modern Warfare product manager, Howie Lykette insists that the e-mail release was all a ruse by somebody looking to make a name for themselves. "There are no weapon cheats in this game, trust me", said Lykette.

Advanced gamers disagree. With blood shot eyes, empty energy drink bottles all over the floor and a garbage can next to the television that apparently doubled as a urinal, MW3 junkie Bobby Hansen tells reporters, "I haven't stopped playing yet but I've found three of the four weapons. They are in a word, totally freaking AWESOME".

Without correcting the boy on his word counting ability, he went on to describe the hidden locations and steps required to reveal the next weapon; "First you head down a dark alley off 52nd street until you find an unmarked door. It leads to the back room of a barber shop. You have to walk to the center chair, kick the Mohawk wearing dude in the nuts and tip over his chair to find your Bionic Shears. Attached to the front of your M16 and you're giving more than a haircut to your enemies".

According to Hansen, the second weapon can be found at the abandoned fruit market off Fifth Avenue. Push over the stack of rotting pineapples to find a steel pineapple with cluster bomb capability. "Excellent for clearing a room and finding a table at your favorite restaurant", says Hansen. Finally, a 20 millimeter, shoulder mounted semi automatic canon, is easily found at Katz's Deli behind the counter right next to the Pastrami. "It shoots through schools, and it's Kosher", says Hansen.

The fourth hidden weapon is reportedly the ghost of a cabbage and onion eating, beer drinking Rodney Dangerfield. Once deployed by player command, the RD Gas weapon is supposed to materialize quietly inside enemy sleeping quarters and produce green clouds of deadly gas. His game character then adds, "Whoa. Did somebody step on a duck?"

"I haven't found Rodney yet, but I can't wait to fart on the bad guys", said Hansen who was interestingly enough, quite odiferous himself. Modern Warfare 3, is now available in stores, if you can find a fresh (smelling) copy.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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