Written by MJ Pulse
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Topics: Government, Stupid

Wednesday, 18 January 2006

image for Study Finds People Amazed by Stupid Studies

A recent governmental study shows that most American's are bewildered and dumbfounded by the number of useless, senseless, and brainless studies that are done each year by both the government and private sectors.

"What blows my mind is that people are actually being paid to conduct studies on so many stupid subjects. If they aren't studying something useless, then they're studying something obvious" says Matthew Monahan as he sits in a local café, drinking coffee and reading the daily newspaper. "I mean, look at this study in today's paper ‘Study shows kids will outgrow bed wetting'. No kidding? You mean there aren't a bunch of 25 years olds out there wetting their beds? Well, duh!"

Paul Corbine of Irving, Texas, remarks "How do these researchers talk people into paying them to conduct these studies? Now there's a study I would be interested in seeing ‘Study shows how researchers dup idiots with lots of money to pay for stupid study'. Let's see someone do a study on that!"

Another recent study that has people scratching their heads made the revelation ‘New Teen Drivers Dangerous'. Cathy Reynolds, a high school dropout in Toledo Ohio said of the breaking news "they have PhD's working on this stuff? Darn, where can I get one of those jobs?"

"What baffles most people with these studies is that someone actually conducts them. Most of us can't even comprehend how a person can dream up the idea to study such mindless garbage, let alone convince other's to participate", says Timothy Rimes, janitor at Klyndale High School in Beaverstown, PA. "I mean, can you imagine trying to convince your boss that you need to lead a team of researchers in a study to determine if people ever stop wetting the bed? Maybe we should do a study on whether or not human skin has an adverse reaction to direct flames!"

For some reason or another, governmental agencies and various organizations feel a need to conduct studies on the most senseless, obvious, or useless information. Common sense doesn't seem to be a factor in deciding what will be studied by any particular group of researchers. Perhaps someone, someday, will study these researchers and try to discover why they devote their lives to such mindless endeavors.

David Crumple has been a government researcher for nearly twenty years. He takes his work very seriously and defends the governments spending on what he calls "important and useful" studies. "If staring directly into the sun for an hour before taking a math test will adversely affect a child's test score, I think it's important for parents to know" says Crumple, "what we do here is serious business and I feel proud to make my contribution to mankind".

Another great idea for a useful study- Why the news media thinks these studies are newsworthy?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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