Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Tuesday, 1 November 2011

image for Blood Pressure Cure? I Know A Much Easier One Claims Local Man
Stop supporting Pompey, then!

Scientists claim to have found the cause of high blood pressure.

The discovery means that it maybe possible to develop specialist drugs to tackle the problem and save thousands of lives every year.

A PhD student, Francine Marques, supervised by Prof Brian Morris at Sydney University, has found that vital molecules - micro-RNAs - can destabilise the production of renin in the kidneys.

Said Prof Morris: "These two micro-RNAs are very much lower in hypertensive people. So if you lose those, the renin goes up, thus raising blood pressure."

But local man, Bernard Haitink, who is no relation to the celebrated conductor, reckons all the science is unnecessary.

"That's an awful lot of work just to lower a bit of blood pressure.

"Stop supporting Pompey, that's all it takes.

"My word, my blood pressure used to be all over the place when I watched Ve Ledz every weekend. Not now. I gave that all up, oh yes.

"Except... did you see the silly buggers at Derby on Saturday? I mean, they were coming off the back of two home wins... just keep it out for the first 15 minutes. Subdue the home fans... but No... the daft bastards couldn't even do that.

"I mean what the fu..."

We heard an explosion over phone before the line went dead.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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