Written by IainB
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Wednesday, 26 October 2011

image for The number of Jesus's foreskin relics explained
You think you've got it hard? I've been circumcised twenty times this morning alone

Pope Benedict has made a decision to explain the eighteen different holy relics all claiming to be the one true foreskin of Jesus Christ superstar.

"Holy relics are an important part of the Catholic church," said Archdeacon Dean Conarch. "There are several thousand relics scattered around the world, with the Pope's decree we know now that they are all genuine."

Relics range from splinters from the one true cross, to the one true shroud to nails from the two true feet and two true wrists. What has been causing consternation has been the eighteen separate one true foreskins.

"Obviously, like all Jewish children, Jesus was circumcised," said Conarch. "However, how can there be eighteen? Jesus would have had just one penis."

Pope Benedict's declaration ends the confusion.

"Benny has explained the Jesus had to be constantly circumcised," said Conarch. "Due to him being magic and all that. The dratted thing kept regrowing."

According to the latest beatific edict out of the Vatican, Jesus would have his foreskin removed every time it regrew, it becoming a daily ritual performed by the Apostle Judas Iscariot. Something that led to the dissatisfaction felt by the Betrayer.

"An early Vatican astronomer spotted the rings around Saturn through a telescope," Conarch continued, "It became wildly accepted that these rings are those holy foreskins that are not remaining on Earth, of which there are eighteen."

And so, like the five and a half tonnes of wood splinters from the one hundred and sixty kilo cross, the seven thousand nails that fastened Jesus to the cross, four beards, two shrouds and eighty-five gallons of blood, every single foreskin is genuine and a definite holy relic.

"It's official," said Conarch.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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