Written by Daz McKinley
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Wednesday, 19 October 2011

From its Cupertino California Headquarters, Apple Corporation's Self-Philanthropic Division just announced the imminent release of its revolutionary product, an edible iPhone.

Called the iFood, the new phone has two target markets. Spokesman Isa Weerdfocker explained:

"There's a massive emerging market of starving billions around the world who want to get on the net and call up their grandma in New Delhi, St Paulo, Washington DC and other hell holes. These poor people want momentary glimpses of a normal life and the iFood does just that. The iFood is made from an edible, compressed genetically modified plastic-wheat combination alloy. It allows one five minute session on the net or an equivalent local or international phone call. Then it stops working and thr owner just eats it."

Priced at just ten dollars, plus tax, the phone is expected to have a massive global takeup and create a significant amount of indigestion.

Weerdfocker explained about the iFood's secondary market. "Twenty percent of Apple's customers are fat fuckers with greasy hair who hang around our shops all day with nothing better to do than drool over our technology and annoy the store staff. However the other eighty percent are undernourished-looking skinny fuckers with greasy hair who don't just hang around the shop all day annoying the staff but also sleep outside the shop all night. These guys never get a square meal, they're too busy worrying about getting the next Apple product release to remember to eat. So we see a huge convenience iFood market in our stores for that group."

Meanwhile the Vatican has announced that Steve Jobs will be made a saint. Apple Corporation is grappling with this one, the last thing they want is for Steve Jobs to be "Canonised".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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