Written by MGmirkin
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Wednesday, 19 October 2011

image for Scientists Conclude the Soul is Composed of Dark Matter
Hubble accidentally captured this image of what is believed to be a human soul in 1998

Scientists, today, announced they believe they have solved the longest standing problem in human history. Unsure why they never thought of this before, they reticently admitted that the idea of something so undetectable and frankly impossible as Dark Matter had simply never crossed their minds. Now that the thought has occurred to them, it all begins to make sense!

Scientists and theologians have debated and wrestled for ages. Sometimes the debates have even ended in wrestling matches.

Occasionally they've even had the intermittent nice sit-down supper together to jovially spar about the shortcomings in each other's crackpot theories.

However, today, they're all of one mind. This explanation is unexpected but somehow synergistic. The soul has always been an intangible thing, unobservable, unmeasurable, untestable. Likewise, since its invention in the 1930's, much has been written about Dark Matter as well. It cannot be directly observed, measured or tested either. The synergy is amazing!

We know that Dark Energy and Dark Matter make up some odd 96% of the invisible, untestable mass of the universe. We also know that genius is about 96% inspiration and about 4% perspiration. Now, we understand why.

The human soul is composed of dark matter. When new life is formed, its gravitating mass attracts a large cloud of dark matter to it gravitationally. Some of it may come from the mother, some may come from the father, some may come from Gaia or from the universe at large. As frequently expounded by the Church, the 'heavens' and 'heaven' may indeed be one and the same. When we die, the dark matter may return to the cosmos as we decay.

Granted, none of this has been observed yet, and is probably wholly unobservable and untestable. But, it just feels right. And that's got to count for something. Some idiot rationalist philosophers rubbish both the 'soul,' 'Dark Matter' & 'Dark Energy' and call this entire inquiry one giant waste of time and effort, treading even further down some proverbial 'garden path.'

Actual conformist tenured scientists will next attempt to use as many taxpayer dollars as humanly possible and even more of hours of computational time than the universe itself has probably existed to model the soul, using the most advanced simulation techniques known to man and some they'll have to invent on-the-fly as they go along.

However, if for some reason the massive computation overwhelms and completely melts the entire server farm, the Church insists we may be best to interpret it as the Word of God that we should not meddle in His affairs, lest he abandon his recent peace&love hippie ways to become wrathful again and begin melting all our server farms to keep His identity behind the curtain a secret.

All things said and done, we're told our Dark Matter soul weighs in at about 25% of our total mass, Dark Energy probably weighs in around 75% of our total mass (if inferred-but-unmeasurable cosmic proportions hold equally true on Earth), and our mortal Body Mass clocks in somewhere around 4% of our total mass.

Scientists are a little baffled, as yet, on why our scales don't show us to be 25 times heavier than they do. But they're sure that with the billions of research dollars they hope to pocket over the next decade, they'll be able to determine the answer to that question as well.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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