ATLANTA - It has yet to sicken a single American, but the potential for a bird flu virus pandemic riveted the attention of health officials and ordinary people in 2005, making it the year's top health news story.
"On average, about 36,000 people die from influenza in the United States each year, but as long as we don't have one death caused by bird flu, nobody will notice" says Dr. Imma Moron of the Center for Decease Control (CDC) in Atlanta, Georgia. "we're pretty stoked here at the CDC that this whole bird flu thing is in the news, it's keeps people worrying about the onesee's and twosee's who die from that and they don't pay attention to the tens of thousands of deaths caused by the less exotic flu that we don't know how to defeat…less pressure on us".
Dr Moron further explained that it's much easier for the CDC to devote all their effort in fighting against the introduction of the bird flu here in the U.S. than it would be to find ways to battle the flu that is already here. "People are strange" says Dr. Moron, "if we have just one or two deaths from the bird flu, there will be widespread panic. But nobody seems to care about the 36,000 deaths we'll have this year from an unnamed flu."
Dr. Arthur Rubix, professor of psychology at a non-prestigious backwoods college agrees, "it's not that dieing from the flu is considered a bad thing in most peoples psyche, it's dieing from some exotic foreign version that scares people! Tie it to animals, say it started in a heathen nation that's full of mysticism, man, we don't want no part of that!"
A recent online survey conducted by a high school student without a life, with a margin of error of plus or minus 270 million indicates that a high percentage of Americans would choose to die of a "regular" type of flu rather than bird flu. The general consensus feels the bird flu has a hint of "evil" attached to it, which of course, would be a more gruesome way to die than the normal flu.