Written by DZ Wags
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Sunday, 18 September 2011

A leading scientist has created a formula that proves that lives in the third world are worth less.

The breakthrough discovery will allow people to identify with that feeling of complete indifference whenever a colossal lose of human life occurs in any of those places people only visit on their gap year. The announcement of the discovery comes only hours after over a thousand lives were lost "somewhere over there" in a freak weather disaster.

The formula, presented by scientist and leading elitist, Dr. Herschelle Bont, calculates the value of life depending on several variables including amongst others, proximity to an iStore, the frequency and scale of natural disasters and the number of milkshake flavours available at local McDonalds.

If the national language involved clicking, tones or cases and the ability of the government to respond to loss of life were also major variables in the formula.

Once all the variables in the formula have been calculated, the value of life in each country is given a number from one to ten; ten being the most valuable and one the least.

Seven countries scored the maximum ten out of ten, and all were countries in the developed world. They were Germany, UK, Canada, USA, France, Australia and Denmark. Over 40 countries achieved a score of less than two and every country that scored less than five was in Latin America, Africa or Asia. Burkino Faso had the embarrassment of being the only country to score a zero, meaning its citizens lives "are worth less than the arbitrary swatting of a fly" according to Dr. Bont.

Critics have highlighted a few anomalies that the formula has produced, including a score of seven for Russia. "Life in Russia is in no way worth anything like that," pleaded Russian Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin, "I have shot dead eight of my Kremlin staff this morning just to prove this fact. I intend to flood a mine and collapse a commuter bridge as well before the day is out."

Dr. Bont was defiant, however, insisting that if all this occurred in Russia today, their score would suffer. He added that this formula would be people's "guilt evaporator" in terms of seeing mass loss of life around the world.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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