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Showing articles written by Rob Barratt.


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Funny story: A party political poem on behalf of the Neanderthal Independence Party

A party political poem on behalf of the Neanderthal Independence Party

We in the Neanderthal Independence Party (NIP) feel threatened by Homo Sapiens They may cause our lives not to have happy ends The Neanderthal Independence Party says we are culturally unique Though we're a little low-brow and evolutionarily weak We have more grass roots support than Neanderthal Labour And we'll try to reduce casual sex with our neighbours The Neanderthal Health Servic...
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Funny story: There are some.

There are some.

There are places in the world where people don't say "awesome". They say "ah-some". There are some. There are those who think they've been abducted by a Martian, which would be awesome. There are some. There are millions of people who say "awesome" when they mean "very good". There are some. There are people who like Jeremy Clarkson. They are not awesome. But there are some. There are...
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Funny story: I'm a saint

I'm a saint

I'm a saint. No, it's true! I just heard it on the News. Pope Francis has declared me a saint. Miracles are second nature to me. As I write, adoring hordes are beating their way to the door of my bungalow because I have experienced miracles. It's a miracle I'm still alive after that near miss with the articulated lorry at that road junction near Gerona in Spain with Dennis and Gordon in Dennis's A...
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Funny story: The robust and rigorous micro-management of human beings

The robust and rigorous micro-management of human beings

The robust and rigorous micro-management of human beings by Rob Barratt Targets, performance management, data, robust, scrutiny, success criteria, outcomes, rigour, on track to deliver Robust performance management Robust scrutiny Robust data Robust success criteria Robust targets Robust outcomes Robust progress Robust rigour Robust robustness Target outcomes Target data Target...
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Funny story: John Cooper Clarke's Flogging Oven Chips

John Cooper Clarke's Flogging Oven Chips

John Cooper Clarke's Flogging Oven Chips I was watching telly. ITV When a familiar voice jumped out at me A Mancunian accent from the past A cigarette-induced breathless rasp The name of the poet was on my lips John Cooper Clarke was flogging oven chips I couldn't believe it. I listened again The sponsor of the sacrilege was Mr McCain Not the US politician from the Christian right Bu...
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Funny story: The Ten O'Clock Fuckin' News

The Ten O'Clock Fuckin' News

Some people these days seem to have great difficulty speaking without using the "f" word all the time. They seem to think it's cool or makes them look hard rather than it being a complete waste of the excellent English language but I've re-written the news so that one of them can be the BBC newscaster just for once. Good fuckin' evening.This is the Ten o'clock fuckin' news For folks who can't...
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Funny story: I'm A Celebrity Chef...Get Me Out Of Here.

I'm A Celebrity Chef...Get Me Out Of Here.

The nation's food fans all gasped in amazement There were queues for miles all along the pavement The day that the feted celebrity chefs Met a fate at the fete that was much worse than death Although the sous chefs were usually expedient They had miscalculated, run out of ingredients And so as not to inconvenience the fans It was decided to fill all the woks and the pans With the...
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Funny story: The God of Data - A Lesson From the Book of Dataronomy

The God of Data - A Lesson From the Book of Dataronomy

And the God of Data sat on his heavenly throne and he looked down upon the world of education and he said, "They know not what they do" And lo, the God of Data said, "I shall create a new world of education and it shall be created in five days, like what there are in a school week. And on the first day the God of Data created targets so that all of the children could be numbered to be judged on...
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Funny story: The Turner Prize

The Turner Prize

The Turner Prize by Rob Barratt No Turners at the Turner Just Tracey bloody Emin No masterful masterpieces Just masturbating women No salty simmering seascapes No homebound fishing trawler Just the naked fore and aft Of an amateurish scrawler No mystical mist across the Thames No spiralling seabirds Just languid linear bodies Described by misspelt words For me she puts artisti...
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Funny story: Like, literally awesome

Like, literally awesome

The campaign for plain English has outlawed the use of "literally" and "like" as used by Will.I.Am. He was made to recite and memorise this poem. "Like, literally awesome" by Rob Barratt It was literally awesome Some awe was in place I was literally gobsmacked I got punched in the face I was literally spaced out Floating round the room I was literally flying I was, like, over the mo...
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Funny story: Distressed

Distressed

My furniture is all distressed It's unusually unstable The oak bookcase is quite depressed As is the coffee table The worktop has a thin veneer It seethes beneath the surface The taps know how low they can sink And think life has no purpose The painted window frame's been stripped... Of dignity. It's lacquered The blue front door's morale has dipped The cheese board is cream-cracker...
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Funny story: When I'm Sixty-Eight (song for a public sector workers' musical)

When I'm Sixty-Eight (song for a public sector workers' musical)

When I'm Sixty-Eight by Rob Barratt (With a nod to Paul McCartney) Sing to The Beatles "When I'm Sixty-four" (Hum clarinet intro...) Doodley dum dum, doodley dum, de doo de dada doo de dop-um-bum... 1.When I get older, losing my mind I'll still have to teach Propped up in the corner on me zimmer-frame Arthur-itis giving me pain Thirty-five children climbing the walls Won't it just...
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Funny story: The Troofa bout the Garra Rufa

The Troofa bout the Garra Rufa

The Garra Rufa fish seem to taking over shopping centres and health spas, as people pay to have their feet nibbled by the small fish as a form of therapy. But the Garra Rufa may have another agenda... The Troofa bout the Garra Rufa by Rob Barratt The Garra Rufa have arrived To eat your body flesh alive... Garra Rufa, Garra Rufa Just ideal for you if you've a Foot or two that need some...
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Funny story: Who put the might in Marmite?

Who put the might in Marmite?

Who put the "might" in Marmite? By Rob Barratt The sandwich beast A feast of yeast Historic remnant of the brewer A staple of the English po-or Extracted now from Danish shelves Spread the word, assert yourselves But don't break down as a knackered car might And don't let the Danes get rid of Marmite Some say that you must love or hate it It's not like cheese, you just can't grate i...
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Funny story: Strictly Waffle

Strictly Waffle

Strictly Waffle by Rob Barratt It's Saturday night - prime time TV Britain's got strictly no talent X-factory The opiate of the watching masses Tune in to tuneless lads and lasses And get an overdose of the thing we love most Piffle-paffle, wiffle waffle ... waffle Not the waffle from your freezer Not the waffle - belly pleaser But read from monitors and sheets Repeated repeatedly on...
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Funny story: Will and Kate

Will and Kate

I wrote this months ago but I thought people might like to see it again. Will and Kate by Rob Barratt Will and Kate, Will and Kate Better late than never, mate To wed the future head of state Though he has a receding pate I'm sure you'll really get on great, Kate Will and Kate, will he Kate Will he want to masturbate In front of paintings at the Tate? At a really quite alarming r...
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Funny story: The Pope is just a bloke

The Pope is just a bloke

The Pope is just a bloke by Rob Barratt I know the pope is just a bloke Jesus was just a man Mary was no virgin There is no master plan Buddha was a human Homer's wife is Marge Sikhs and gurus do not know who's Overall in charge We all have a birthday Everybody dies No one lives forever Bowyers make pork pies Saints were only people And some of them were sinners In the Roma...
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Funny story: Oranges are not the only colour purple

Oranges are not the only colour purple

Oranges are not the only colour purple by Rob Barratt Poets say that there is no rhyme for "orange" That's not true A sporrange is a fruit-based kilt accessory Poets say that there is no rhyme for "purple" That's not true either Who can forget Amy Turple, the 1960's TV character from the soap Crossroads, who always got her words wrong? And her distant relative, Dick Turple, The litt...
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Funny story: Sugar, Sugar

Sugar, Sugar

Alan Sugar is back on the screen again soon. What is it about him that makes him so dislikeable? Sugar, Sugar by Rob Barratt Alan Sugar Arrogant bugger On "The Apprentice" You are relentless You slag off contestants Like rude chefs in restaurants As if they were no one 'Cos they want to go on The show you are part of In which you've no heart of Any description Are you fact or f...
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Funny story: Rude Health

Rude Health

Dear all, You know you are getting older when you start fancying the women in the "Healthspan" brochures. They are always attractive older women. But be careful how many supplements you take ................ Rude Health by Rob Barratt Robert needs supplements to keep him alive Ginseng, 1000 milligrams, 180 for £7.95 They come in a new slimline plastic container Which slides into the sm...
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Funny story: The misuse of jugs

The misuse of jugs

There has been a lot of coverage of jug abuse lately (well, that's what I thought the newsreader said) so I thought I would make a definitive list of the ways people misuse jugs. The misuse of jugs by Rob Barratt Vase Ostrich-sized egg cup Generously optimistic receptacle for urine sample Home for giant's false teeth Remove base to use as a megaphone Storage for used chip fat Potty...
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Funny story: Missing Letterland

Missing Letterland

Missing Letterland by Rob Barratt I just heard it on the local grapevine That each and every supermarket sign Last night, for no apparent reason Other than it being the silly season Lost its first letter. I don't know why I've got an honest face. Now would I lie? And now each item and member of staff Which begins with that letter (now this really sounds daft) Must drop the beginning o...
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