I'm just no good at small talk
Narrow and bijou
Microscopic and minute
Sorry, what do you do?
Dinky winky, little, dwarf
Incy wincy, klein
Matchbox, kneehigh and compact
Can I top up your wine?
Teensy weensy, minimal
Teeny weeny, wee
Itsy bitsy, miniscule
Would you like a cup of tea?
Baby, mini, miniature
Shrunken, titchy, speck
Narrow, nipper, iota, mite
Get naked? What the h...
We in the Neanderthal Independence Party (NIP) feel threatened by Homo Sapiens
They may cause our lives not to have happy ends
The Neanderthal Independence Party says we are culturally unique
Though we're a little low-brow and evolutionarily weak
We have more grass roots support than Neanderthal Labour
And we'll try to reduce casual sex with our neighbours
The Neanderthal Health Servic...
There are places in the world where people don't say "awesome". They say "ah-some". There are some.
There are those who think they've been abducted by a Martian, which would be awesome. There are some.
There are millions of people who say "awesome" when they mean "very good". There are some.
There are people who like Jeremy Clarkson. They are not awesome. But there are some.
I'm a saint. No, it's true! I just heard it on the News. Pope Francis has declared me a saint. Miracles are second nature to me. As I write, adoring hordes are beating their way to the door of my bungalow because I have experienced miracles. It's a miracle I'm still alive after that near miss with the articulated lorry at that road junction near Gerona in Spain with Dennis and Gordon in Dennis's A...
The robust and rigorous micro-management of human beings by Rob Barratt
Targets, performance management, data, robust, scrutiny, success criteria, outcomes, rigour, on track to deliver
Robust performance management
Robust success criteria
John Cooper Clarke's Flogging Oven Chips
I was watching telly. ITV
When a familiar voice jumped out at me
A Mancunian accent from the past
A cigarette-induced breathless rasp
The name of the poet was on my lips
John Cooper Clarke was flogging oven chips
I couldn't believe it. I listened again
The sponsor of the sacrilege was Mr McCain
Not the US politician from the Christian right
Some people these days seem to have great difficulty speaking without using the "f" word all the time. They seem to think it's cool or makes them look hard rather than it being a complete waste of the excellent English language but I've re-written the news so that one of them can be the BBC newscaster just for once.
Good fuckin' evening.This is the Ten o'clock fuckin' news
For folks who can't...
The nation's food fans all gasped in amazement
There were queues for miles all along the pavement
The day that the feted celebrity chefs
Met a fate at the fete that was much worse than death
Although the sous chefs were usually expedient
They had miscalculated, run out of ingredients
And so as not to inconvenience the fans
It was decided to fill all the woks and the pans
And the God of Data sat on his heavenly throne and he looked down upon the world of education and he said, "They know not what they do" And lo, the God of Data said, "I shall create a new world of education and it shall be created in five days, like what there are in a school week.
And on the first day the God of Data created targets so that all of the children could be numbered to be judged on...
The Turner Prize by Rob Barratt
No Turners at the Turner
Just Tracey bloody Emin
No masterful masterpieces
Just masturbating women
No salty simmering seascapes
No homebound fishing trawler
Just the naked fore and aft
Of an amateurish scrawler
No mystical mist across the Thames
No spiralling seabirds
Just languid linear bodies
Described by misspelt words
For me she puts artisti...
The campaign for plain English has outlawed the use of "literally" and "like" as used by Will.I.Am. He was made to recite and memorise this poem.
"Like, literally awesome" by Rob Barratt
It was literally awesome
Some awe was in place
I was literally gobsmacked
I got punched in the face
I was literally spaced out
Floating round the room
I was literally flying
I was, like, over the mo...
My furniture is all distressed
It's unusually unstable
The oak bookcase is quite depressed
As is the coffee table
The worktop has a thin veneer
It seethes beneath the surface
The taps know how low they can sink
And think life has no purpose
The painted window frame's been stripped...
Of dignity. It's lacquered
The blue front door's morale has dipped
The cheese board is cream-cracker...
When I'm Sixty-Eight by Rob Barratt
(With a nod to Paul McCartney)
Sing to The Beatles "When I'm Sixty-four" (Hum clarinet intro...)
Doodley dum dum, doodley dum, de doo de dada doo de dop-um-bum...
1.When I get older, losing my mind
I'll still have to teach
Propped up in the corner on me zimmer-frame
Arthur-itis giving me pain
Thirty-five children climbing the walls
Won't it just...
The Garra Rufa fish seem to taking over shopping centres and health spas, as people pay to have their feet nibbled by the small fish as a form of therapy. But the Garra Rufa may have another agenda...
The Troofa bout the Garra Rufa by Rob Barratt
The Garra Rufa have arrived
To eat your body flesh alive...
Garra Rufa, Garra Rufa
Just ideal for you if you've a
Foot or two that need some...
Who put the "might" in Marmite? By Rob Barratt
The sandwich beast
A feast of yeast
Historic remnant of the brewer
A staple of the English po-or
Extracted now from Danish shelves
Spread the word, assert yourselves
But don't break down as a knackered car might
And don't let the Danes get rid of Marmite
Some say that you must love or hate it
It's not like cheese, you just can't grate i...
Strictly Waffle by Rob Barratt
It's Saturday night - prime time TV
Britain's got strictly no talent X-factory
The opiate of the watching masses
Tune in to tuneless lads and lasses
And get an overdose of the thing we love most
Piffle-paffle, wiffle waffle ... waffle
Not the waffle from your freezer
Not the waffle - belly pleaser
But read from monitors and sheets
Repeated repeatedly on...
I wrote this months ago but I thought people might like to see it again.
Will and Kate by Rob Barratt
Will and Kate, Will and Kate
Better late than never, mate
To wed the future head of state
Though he has a receding pate
I'm sure you'll really get on great,
Will and Kate, will he Kate
Will he want to masturbate
In front of paintings at the Tate?
At a really quite alarming r...
The Pope is just a bloke by Rob Barratt
I know the pope is just a bloke
Jesus was just a man
Mary was no virgin
There is no master plan
Buddha was a human
Homer's wife is Marge
Sikhs and gurus do not know who's
Overall in charge
We all have a birthday
No one lives forever
Bowyers make pork pies
Saints were only people
And some of them were sinners
In the Roma...
Oranges are not the only colour purple by Rob Barratt
Poets say that there is no rhyme for "orange"
That's not true
A sporrange is a fruit-based kilt accessory
Poets say that there is no rhyme for "purple"
That's not true either
Who can forget Amy Turple, the 1960's TV character from the soap Crossroads, who always got her words wrong?
And her distant relative, Dick Turple,
Alan Sugar is back on the screen again soon. What is it about him that makes him so dislikeable?
Sugar, Sugar by Rob Barratt
On "The Apprentice"
You are relentless
You slag off contestants
Like rude chefs in restaurants
As if they were no one
'Cos they want to go on
The show you are part of
In which you've no heart of
Are you fact or f...
You know you are getting older when you start fancying the women in the "Healthspan" brochures. They are always attractive older women. But be careful how many supplements you take ................
Rude Health by Rob Barratt
Robert needs supplements to keep him alive
Ginseng, 1000 milligrams, 180 for £7.95
They come in a new slimline plastic container
Which slides into the sm...
There has been a lot of coverage of jug abuse lately (well, that's what I thought the newsreader said) so I thought I would make a definitive list of the ways people misuse jugs.
The misuse of jugs by Rob Barratt
Ostrich-sized egg cup
Generously optimistic receptacle for urine sample
Home for giant's false teeth
Remove base to use as a megaphone
Storage for used chip fat