Showing articles written by Judge Retort.

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Funny story: Hackers break into All Candidates' Email Accounts!

Hackers break into All Candidates' Email Accounts!

Being busy candidates with hundreds of emails, the Judge is forced to summarize: SUMMARY OF PALIN EMAIL: 3,039,771 invitations to dinner (99% men from all over the country; 1% women from Berkeley, California) 283,933 proposals of marriage (all from the state of Utah). SUMMARY OF OBAMA EMAIL: 568 Shoulda-Picked-Me's from Hillary Clinton. 38 "Shazam - Ah told yuh so, too!" from Bill C...
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Funny story: How John Saved Wall Street

How John Saved Wall Street

John McCain was the reason Wall Street roared back. During the plunge earlier this week, panic did set in but then the oldsters of Wall Street turned in desperation to the inspiring forecast of McCain who turns out to be older than money itself - older even than credit. "Yes," humbly confided McCain, "I was around back when 'Wall Street' was just 'Wampum Path' used by them Manhattan Indians for...
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Funny story: Patriotic One-upmanship

Patriotic One-upmanship

Not to be outdone, John McCain called suffering in a POW camp a patriotic act. Not to be outdone, Barack Obama called suffering to watch your minister on the evening news go bananas over and over again, was a patriotic act. Not to be outdone, Sarah Palin declared that wearing eyeglasses instead of contact lenses was a patriotic act - but only if it gets most men to vote for you. Not to be...
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Funny story: Former Mr Gay UK calls OJ for advice

Former Mr Gay UK calls OJ for advice

A former Mr Gay UK slit his lover's throat then marinated his diced flesh with fresh herbs. Good heavens! There's only one thing poor Mr Gay UK can now do: (phone ringing…ringing…ringing…gets picked up) Gay: "Mr. Simpson, is that you?" Low Husky Voice: "Yeah, it be." Gay: "Mr. Simpson, I am your biggest fan. Because of your superb knife work, I was totally inspired to become a ch...
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Funny story: Amazingly Big Upcoming Bailouts!

Amazingly Big Upcoming Bailouts!

Inspired by the American taxpayer's eager willingness to bail out anyone having a tough time ...and deeply humbled by the American taxpayers generous willingness to commit not just his own tax dollars for the rest of his life, but also to commit his children's and grandchildren's tax dollars ...and also posthumously his grandparent's and great-grandparent's tax dollars (but not as far back as s...
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Funny story: A Spoonful of Peanut Butter'll Cure What Ails Ya

A Spoonful of Peanut Butter'll Cure What Ails Ya

This is the story of Jeffrey and Emil, two schoolboys basking in the warm fall sun, which flitters through their classroom window. This peace and serenity however was not long to last. Jeffrey sat at his desk, listening to Emil's dripping nose. "Drip, drip, drip," came the gross irritating noise. About once every five seconds or so, Jeffery reckoned. After a while, it all became too mu...
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Funny story: Analysis of Palin's Popularity

Analysis of Palin's Popularity

Recent poll reveals 90% of American men think Sarah Palin is heck-a-fine. The remaining 10% coincidentally are the 10% of American men who are gay.* Also, coincidentally, these remaining 10% think Todd is heck-a-fine and feel he is too over-dressed while snowmobiling. In other news, Todd has announced his new, secret Alaskan formula (with essence of caribou) brand name aftershave: 'Firstd...
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Funny story: Flash back 150 Years> Utootaut Territory founded by Brothers Bringem Young and Bringem Rightaway

Flash back 150 Years> Utootaut Territory founded by Brothers Bringem Young and Bringem Rightaway

Utootaut Territory was founded back in 1838 by stalwart and upstanding brothers Bringem Young and Bringem Rightaway after too many inconvenient delays and hassles back in Illinois with the 24-hour marriage license ATM's. They were soon joined by their many other brothers: Bringem Today, Bringem Tomorrow, Bringem Ontheweekend, Bringem Allweeklong, Bringem Daily, Bringem Hourly, Bringem Inahur...
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Funny story: Contentious White House Meeting

Contentious White House Meeting

Judge Retort again with an exclusive White House press conference: The Judge: "Mr. President! Mr. President! Rumor has it that yesterday's meeting between you, the Speaker of the House, and top lawmakers discussing if the BAILOUT can work, was contentious!" The Pres: "Naw, it wasn't cont.. con.. co.. it wasn't uppity at all! I brought only one pistol and even made my secret service fel...
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Funny story: Vice Presidentical Debate Planning

Vice Presidentical Debate Planning

Judge Retort has learned that vice presidential hopefuls Paden and Bilin are planning their own debate of such hand-picked subjects as: * Which VP candidate is the sexiest? (...sheesh!) * Was television really around in 1929? * Was FDR really around in 1929 or was that already Eleanor, wearing his sexy eyewear? * Should the losing VP be entitled to...
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Funny story: Teens Pledge Allegiance to Obama

Teens Pledge Allegiance to Obama

"I pledge, for the time being, allegiance, unless I change my mind later, to the flag of the United States Treasury, and to the Republic Democrat for which it stands: one world Nation under God [ or whoever or whatever alleves your guilt ] indivisible unless cheaper by the dozen, with Liberty to do whatever feels good and Justice for all who voted for the correct candidate (duh winnuh!), to be pai...
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Funny story: Sarah Palin - Greek Goddess Reincarnation?

Sarah Palin - Greek Goddess Reincarnation?

Sarah Palin is so phenomenally popular, drawing near-worshipful crowds wherever she appears, so completely in control, running the largest state of the Union - she could be a reincarnation of a Greek goddess! She could be Artemis! Or Athena! Or Aphrodite (just ask 90% of American men!) Or - dare I say it? - A trinity of all three! Is she Goddess of democratic republics, or the Goddess of re...
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Funny story: Washington D.C. Smoky Back Room

Washington D.C. Smoky Back Room

Somewhere in a Washington DC smoky backroom, where Judge Retort's secret iPod was recording... Congressman: "This cigar's pretty good. Havana??" Financier: "Of course. Where else? Now about that bailout..." Congressman: "It's a lot of money. My constituents are growing restless. And those radio talk show hosts are blowing the whistle pretty loud. 750 billion..." Financier: "H...
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Funny story: Cigarette packs to carry graphic picture warnings

Cigarette packs to carry graphic picture warnings

To get kids to stop smoking, the government has mandated cigarette companies put scary pictures on all packs. Here's what some of the new pictures will look like: * Frightening close-ups of Yul Brenner's autopsy photos graciously left by the old actor after dying of lung cancer. * Frightening close-ups of severed limbs and heads strewn about the road after automobile accidents. * And...
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Funny story: Wachovia Eaten by Citi

Wachovia Eaten by Citi

Fearing the fate of WaMu, Citibank quickly decided to reduce the competition and has obtained permission from Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson allowing Citibank employees temporary permission to eat all the employees of Wachovia bank. After devouring all employees at Wachovia corporate, I asked the Directory of HR for Citibank, "How were they?" "Well, the loan officers were tough and chewy,...
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Funny story: Recent Poker Game at the White House

Recent Poker Game at the White House

Just over 1 week ago… PRESIDENT: "Dagnabbit, Henry, you beat me again - you've been beating me all night!" TREASURY SECRETARY: "Mr. President, you're just too much of a risk taker." PRESIDENT: "It's a Texas thing… What's the pot up to? I'm cashing out for the night." TREASURY SECRETARY: "(chuckles) You owe me - let's see…" (sound of calculator) "Mr. President, you owe me $700 b...
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Navy commissions U.S.S. Donald J. Trump

A very shallow draft vessel that carries several tons of baggage, it's an old design that tends to list severly to the right and is virtually unsteerable.
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