I must admit to becoming vaguely disturbed by a recent trend in your esteemed publication - that of the blatant self-publicising cadre of crap writers, who appear to be allowed to shamelessly promote their, quite frankly, shitty product without fear of censure. I found myself misled by this relentless barrage of propoganda, and ordered the book from Amazon. 'The Dorking Review' was...
As a child I always dreamt of being the proud owner of a Johnny Seven One Man Army gun. This was the clever, 'Transformers' type toy gun advertised on the television, which could be fully or partially dismantled to make seven different weapons in one, ranging in scale from a pistol to a rocket launcher. However, being miserable bastards, my parents flatly refused to buy me one, eve...
Went to see Dave today. He's my brother in law, married to the wife's sister, Bunty. Lovely couple they are, salt of the earth Midlands people. Down to earth, realistic, and people who value the truly important things in life - like family, friends, and who are selflessly always prepared to look out for other people.
They've got three sons, great lads one and all, who've left home now, and are...
To any readers who think their boss is ruthless, they ought to meet mine. The man is an absolute tyrant. He makes no bones about pointing out my, or my colleagues' shortcomings, and has even been known to scream abuse into people's faces. And what's even worse is that his breath frequently smells of chewing gum and a nice Chianti. This man's behaviour is positively Dickensian. He's...
Hello there. Some people reading this will know who I am, or at least have heard of me, and some won't. A bit like real life really.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, some years ago I came across an author named Guy N Smith, and quickly became a fan. Mr Smith wrote a series of bizarre horror novels for New English Library, and churned them out at a phenomenal rate, quite freque...
The story so far:
Popular novelist, Mike Shuttlecock, author of the 'Miserable Bastard' series of novels, loosely based on his brother Martin's experiences, has endured a serious traffic accident in Wales, and has been taken away from the scene by his number one fan, Blodwyn Glendowr.
And imprisoned in her home as a guest/patient/victim...
Oh, and accused of plagiarism. Or something simil...
Hello. My name is Martin Shuttlecock, and tonight I'll be telling you how to make a traditional chicken shish kebab, in the Turkish, Chinese, Indian, Mexican pikey style.
Whilst being slightly inebriated, and wearing a pork pie hat.
Always start by sinking a couple or even three cans of the finest Belgian lager.
This will help you to focus, and allow you to suppress any inhibitions you ma...
Why oh why do you let things like this happen? I have just read, in the magazine section of your esteemed website, the most execrable, disgusting, expletive ridden article it has ever been my misfortune to ever come across. It was entitled, 'Have You Farted?' and although it contained a warning about foul and abusive language, nothing could have prepared me for the disgusting nature...
"Have you farted?"
"I dunno...why d'you ask?"
"You don't know if you farted?"
"You must have something wrong with you mate. If you don't even know if you've dropped a sly one."
"I didn't hear nuffink..."
"You must have felt it."
"Could 'ave. I s'ppose. P'rhaps I just dint notice..."
"Well - it stinks."
"Stinks o' wot?"
"Eggs. And c...
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock found himself in a bit of a pickle, Sunday afternoon, as he surfed the interweb, looking for a suitable holiday destination for later in the year.
It's no secret that Shuttlecock loves Italy, and prefers to visit cities, rather than resorts, his liking for architecture, museums, galleries, and pubs aplenty superceding any desire to loaf about like an arse on some b...
It's been a confusing week, for local man, and pork pie hat champion, Martin Shuttlecock. A hectic schedule has meant that he has been out of action for at least a week, in pursuit of other action.
So apparently, Shuttlecock has resolved to 'suck it up.'
Whatever that means.
Here at Skoob Mag HQ, we weren't sure what he meant by 'suck it up,' so we thought we'd better ask him, on the grou...
Unconfirmed reports are filtering through that 27 year old diva, Amy Winehouse has been found dead in her North London flat. The Back To Black singer had a history of drug and alcohol problems.
Amy had a fantastic future ahead of her, but she lived the punk dream and blew it.
It was a tragic end for a potentially brilliant artiste; Rehab, and Valerie, becoming R&B classics, but drugs and...
A 32 year old Norwegian man has been arrested following a bomb blast in Oslo, and a spree killing episode on the holiday island of Utoya which has left at least 92 people dead.
Norwegians are understandably shocked and horrified by the events which took place in their country, a nation renowned for its tolerance and high standards.
Early reports indicate that the man who planted the bomb and...
Depressed? Feeling a tad suicidal are we?
Doesn't bother me in the least.
But here are ten top really crap things to do if you feel like popping your own cork.
1 - Play Sinead O'Connor's 'Nothing Compares 2 U.'
You don't really want to listen to this. What you need to do is convince yourself that you're not really suicidal at all, and that life's great. Life's not really...
My first morning of being nursed by a raving lunatic.
Blodwyn brought me breakfast in bed - not that I had the option of getting up. I had great difficulty moving my lips, let alone my legs.
"Here you are Bach. I've brought yew yewer breakfast is nit," she cheerfully chirruped.
She thrust a plate at me. I was in no position to refuse her 'hospitality.'
"What is it?" I asked.
It's hard being a writer.
Don't let anybody tell you any different.
Contrary to popular belief, most writers would prefer to sit facing a blank wall, rather than overlook a paradise beach in the Caribbean. There are no distractions when you sit facing a blank wall, so in theory, the writing comes easier.
I didn't introduce myself, did I?
My name is Mike Shuttlecock, and I'm a novelist.
Turkish born, Ali Bullo is well known for operating a string of kebab vans and shops in Hampshire, Dorset, and West Sussex, where he is widely regarded as the consummate entrepreneur. Not many kebab vendors do a neat sideline in photoshopped nude celebrity calendars, featuring the likes of Charlotte Church, Pixie Lott, and Cindy Beale out of EastEnders, but Ali reckons he makes as much from the do...
What do you do if you're ever stuck (nobody would volunteer, surely) in Fareham, Hampshire, having just signed off the dole after two weeks of not claiming benefit, but with a little time to kill?
Well, you could head for West Street - you couldn't really head for anywhere else really. There's only West Street...
Skoob Magazine sent our befuddled reporter, Martin Shuttlecock, to check out th...
Flying ants eh? What do you do with them? Good question. On the face of it, flying ants are fucking useless. But are they?
We sent Skoob Magazine's very own Martin Shuttlecock out to investigate.
He unearthed the following facts down the pub:
* The best way to deal with them, is to stamp on them, or hit the fuckers with a rolled up newspaper.
*If there are literally millions of the bug...
I'm not usually one to tell people to 'f*ck off' but I feel that it's necessary to tell all the non-Scousers who support Liverpool Football Club to 'f*ck off.' It may well be that I've grasped the wrong end of the stick here, so I don't object to Liverpool supporters gobbing off, providing they're proper Scousers. I can't be doing with Australian Scousers, or New Je...
I know people talk all the time about how dull us elderly folk are, and about how we're forever harping on about the good old days, but I make no excuses for calling for the reintroduction of rationing. It never did us any harm, during or after the war, and you didn't see fat kids lolloping about back then. I genuinely believe that youngsters today would be far healthier...
I wonder if any of your readers can settle an argument? Only, my husband and I were having a discussion the other day about the end of the world. He reckons it will happen either when the sun finally goes nova, turns into a red giant and swallows the earth up, or when we get hit by a giant asteroid. I reckon it'll end when we get overrun with vampires and zombies, which w...