Showing articles written by Earl Grey.

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Funny story: Hit The Buffers!

Hit The Buffers!

Morse knew he had to act fast otherwise it was going to be a train load of stiffs arriving in St Petersburg. And not the sort of stiffs a condom salesman would want either. Suddenly..... nothing! The writer's internet had packed up. Those kids at the local internet company were screwing about with their server again. Would they ever just concentrate on providing a decent service for paying cust...
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Funny story: Off The Rails

Off The Rails

Morse sat pondering the case of the murdered Colonel. Who else knew that Juan was on the run? Was it a government sponsored hit? That wasn't unknown in these parts. Suddenly the silence was broken. "Morse! Come quick. It's Father Fergus!" The voice belonged to the accountant. Morse hurried to the train's swimming pool with the accountant and Mr Birbee following behind. There he found the priest...
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Funny story: Up The Junction

Up The Junction

Morse wandered through the train. It had to be the longest train in the world and every carriage was elegantly decorated. He entered one compartment. A man with a calculator sat at a desk frantically adding up. "Excuse me for the intrusion" said Morse. "Oh, that's ok. I'm J. Man. I'm the train's accountant." The train even had it's own accountant. It was true. The bean counters were really taking...
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Funny story: Babooshka Bashing On The 368

Babooshka Bashing On The 368

7.30 am and the mob at the bus stop in Dolgoprudny are getting restless. The 368 to Rechnoy Vokzal is late again. A gang of Babooshkas huddle together. They smell blood. When that bus arrives they are going to make damn sure that they get on it and that they get a seat. A lone Brit stands defiantly against them. This time they shall not defeat him. This time he shall not be battered from head t...
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Funny story: "All Aboard...."

"All Aboard...."

The Buffet Car became suddenly empty. Bargis lept off his stool and made a rapid exit. Even Father Fergus had moved away from the bar. Morse was puzzled. "That priest looks like he was practically born at the bar. Why has he moved? And why am I talking to myself?" Just then it hit him. The smell! It was the worst he had ever encountered. What on earth was it? "Pardon me, is this seat free?" A r...
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Funny story: Murder On The Nevky Express

Murder On The Nevky Express

Inspector "Cap' Morse sighed. Here he was sitting in his luxurious compartment on the Nevsky Express. It was the maiden journey of the new top of the range train. Morse was not excited, however, as he was more of a naval man and he longed for Portsmouth dock and the girl he left behind. Normally a little Belgian chap took the train jobs but the agency had insisted that Morse should make this journ...
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Funny story: What Pushkin Should Have Done

What Pushkin Should Have Done

The great poet Pushkin sat at his desk. It was late at night and he was busy finishing another epic poem about love and honour. "This will surely win me another award" he thought to himself. Suddenly his wife burst into the room, sobbing. "My darling, what has caused you so much distress?" asked the poet. "It's the guardsman, Dantes. He is telling all Moscow that I have an enormous wart on my b...
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Funny story: Dust Man Chapter 4: Where You Bin All My Life?

Dust Man Chapter 4: Where You Bin All My Life?

DUST MAN looked at Bob Beerspiller. He looked at Steve Kitchen and Charlie Patel. "Give up XS! You have no idea just how powerful I have become." "Never, DUST MAN! Your bluffing might fool some criminal masterminds who are hell bent on the removal of all wheelie bins from the UK, but it wont work on me." DUST MAN sighed. He knew that he was going to struggle to save all of his friends. He wa...
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Funny story: Obama Delivers Letter From Kennedy To Pope

Obama Delivers Letter From Kennedy To Pope

President Obama donned a postman's uniform and cycled to the Vatican today to deliver a private letter from Teddy Kennedy to the Pope. The letter was so private that only a few closely trusted aides and newspaper editors were informed of the contents. It read as follows: Dear Holy Father, I am suffering from an incurable illness and I don't want to burn in hell. I wish to repent for...
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Funny story: Dust Man Chapter 3: Revenge of Dr XS

Dust Man Chapter 3: Revenge of Dr XS

The dust cart slipped into gear. Steve Kitchen was at the wheel. He'd worked this round for over 25 years. He knew every cobble. No, really. He had names for them. Charlie Patel sat next to him. There was a far away look in his eyes. He was dreaming of his past glories. He had been a successful businessman. His recycling business was once the talk of West Cheam. He had it all-the Bentley, the yach...
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Funny story: Nick Griffin In Europe. Diary

Nick Griffin In Europe. Diary

Monday Met up with Andrew for our journey to Brussles. On the Eurostar train and nobody else in the same carriage. I congratulated Andrew on his booking an empty carriage. "Er, actually boss it's an empty train. Nobody wanted to travel with us." I laughed at his wonderful joke. Tuesday Went out for a drink in Brussels. But there was a shortage of beer. Every bar I came to didn't have...
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Funny story: Bank Of Mugabe-Advertisement

Bank Of Mugabe-Advertisement

Welcome, my friends, to the Bank of Mugabe. The Bank that likes to say "Hands up! Give me all your property". The Bank of Mugabe is proud to call for foreign investment. Bring your money to us. You'll never see it again. Our founding father, Mr M, says "I promise to share your money in the same way that I share power-by committing murder and other nasty crime." The Bank of Mugabe. Because we...
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Funny story: Dust Man Chapter 2: Holy Bin Liners!

Dust Man Chapter 2: Holy Bin Liners!

Dave Rice was a dust man. That much everyone knew. A cheery soul who was always ready to lend a helping hand. Yet Dave Rice was not just a dust man. No. He was the DUST MAN. A masked super hero who knew no fear. The DUST MAN kept the citizens of West Cheam safe from the evil Dr XS. Dave was in the yard with the other members of his crew: Charlie Patel, a rather bitter individual who once had...
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Funny story: Birth Of A Super Hero

Birth Of A Super Hero

It was Monday morning. Wheelie bin day in West Cheam. The residents had all dutifully left their bins at the edge of their properties. Nobody had over-filled. The dust cart travelled around the narrow streets with care. The crew were working fast-Mondays were always busy. Charlie and Dave moved with ease, placing the bins on the back of the cart. Steve was at the wheel. An experienced driver, he k...
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Funny story: The Joy Of Sax

The Joy Of Sax

Many couples write to me asking how they can maintain a happy and healthy relationship. I tell them about the Joy of Sax. I first discovered the Joy of Sax when Dr Alex Comfort-Break showed me his horn. He said that if you played a tune on your horn life would never be dull again. And he was right. Get your partner to wrap their lips around your reed. Get them to give you a blow. a good big blo...
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Funny story: Thank You

Thank You

I would just like to thank all of you. Thank you. No really. Thank you. Please accept my thanks. You've done a really great job. So thank you. It is an honor and a pleasure to be associated with you. All of you. Really. So thank you. Mere words alone cannot coney the overwhelming feeling of indebtedness I have towards you all. Thank you. I salute you all. Thank you. Each and every one...
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Funny story: It's Geoff Boycott's Corridor of Uncertainty V

It's Geoff Boycott's Corridor of Uncertainty V

We have had a letter from abroad. All the way from the Caribbean. Dear Geoff Ever since I was a kid I've struggled with maths. All the other children used to laugh at me in school. But I was real determined to prove them all wrong. I worked hard and eventually I got a really good job in the West Indies. But disaster! I never knew that my job would involve solving equations and doing arith...
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Funny story: Bush Memoirs In Full

Bush Memoirs In Full

We have managed to get an exclusive look at the soon to be published memoirs of George W Bush. He has decided to publish details of all the decisions he took himself during his time in office. And here they are. Bush has signed a deal for an undisclosed sum, but it is believed to be substantially more than the numbers of brain cells he has. So that's £3...
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Funny story: It's Geoff Boycott's Corridor of Uncertainty IV

It's Geoff Boycott's Corridor of Uncertainty IV

We have had a letter from a reader. And it's a corker Dear Mister Boycott I hope you can help me, I am a big fan even though my Dad says you were quite slow and boring. I am in the Under-15s and wearing a box when I'm batting is now starting to hurt. I get quite sore and swollen and when Mrs Prior was umpiring last week I became faint and had to be retired hurt. Should I stop wearing a...
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Funny story: Below Decks Chapter 17: A New Arrival

Below Decks Chapter 17: A New Arrival

Recap: Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven | Chapter Eight | Chapter Nine | Chapter Ten | Chapter Eleven | Chapter Twelve | Chapter Thirteen | Chapter Fourteen | Chapter Fifteen | Chapter Sixteen Recover from the celebrations? Some bloody chance. Earl Grey was in limbo. Somewhere between life and death. His head belonged to so...
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Funny story: British Nasti Party Election Manifesto

British Nasti Party Election Manifesto

We at the British Nasty Party take the further development of the British race seriously. It is no joking matter. Here are our proposals. 1. The compulsory repatriation of anyone not called Smith. 2. Compulsory morris dancing for all males over 18. 3. Introduction of lederhosen to school uniforms. 4. Extreme violence if we are unable to convince by argument alone. 5. Extreme violence. 6. T...
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Funny story: Jade's Cancer Diary

Jade's Cancer Diary

Monday Dear Diary Uncle Max came round today to tell me how well things were going. He thinks that I will be the nation's number 1 celebrity. He then bagged up a load of cash and then left. Tuesday Dear Diary Had a terrible dream. I dreamt that I was surrounded by lots of vultures who were all feeding off me. When I woke up a journalist from the Sun was just leaving after givin...
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Showing page 2 (of 3 pages)

Breaking News...

Despite Celebrating Crowds, Mugabe of Zimbabwe Won't Recognize Coup

The 93-year old thinks it's his birthday again and thanks all the demonstrators.
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