Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.
Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls a...
There Are At Least EIGHT Types of orgasm for a woman:
1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes....
2 The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....
3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No....
4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming....
5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God....
6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More....
7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you.
Just over 18 months ago, I was paid a visit from a double-glazing salesman who persuaded me to buy some windows from his company. After listening to him for a good hour explaining the virtues of the windows and how good they were at retaining heat and keep out noise; I do remember that his last words were: "these windows are so good that they will pay for themselves within a year!"
- Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you've had in the past.
- Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
- A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
- You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
- A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
- When you are done with a Chri...
... You don't feel guilty about doing it alone.
... No one will start rumors about how much you sleep.
... You won't complain in the morning about not getting any.
... You don't have to pay for sleep.
... You don't need to sleep after sleeping.
... Sleep can last a good eight hours.... or even more!
... You can sleep in church.
... While sleeping, you can have sex with anyone...
... You don't need a partner to juggle.
... Having blue balls isn't a bad thing.
... You don't have to worry about how many other people your partner has juggled with.
... Jugglers aren't judged by the size of their balls.
... You don't have to wear protection.
... You don't have to worry if your juggling partner is a minor.
... After juggling, you can do it again right away.
When you go fishin' and you catch somethin', that's good.
If you're making love and you catch somethin', that's bad.
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither…and want to know how many other fish you caught.
Fish don't complain if you light up a smoke right after you catch them.
You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you l...
1. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.
2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.
3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.
4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.
5. Drinking drives people to sex, where...
1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.
2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go"
4) Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.
5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the...
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
What a girl has to say on the subject:
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push...
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
1. Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.
2. You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
3. Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
4. Cottonmouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
5. Nuttin' beats mutton.
6. Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
7. Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you t...
… You can make coffee as sweet as you desire.
… A cup of coffee always looks good.
… Coffee smells good.
… Coffee tastes good.
… Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
… You can have a good conversation with coffee.
… You can have coffee anywhere, anytime, and not get arrested.
… You can have as many coffees as you desire.
… Coffee doesn't care what you look like.
1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5. You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
9. Coffee never run...
10. A gun doesn't mind if you stop and ask for directions.
9. A gun doesn't ever reek of beer or cigars.
8. A gun won't pout if you have a headache.
7. A gun always goes anywhere with you and never asks, "Do we have to go there again?"
6. You can buy fancy new grips for your gun and it won't complain about how they look or fit.
5. A gun doesn't leave dirty socks or underwear in a pi...
- You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
- You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
- If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
- Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
- Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
- A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet sp...
1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient a...
Here is a list of rules that may be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other:...
Excitable - Shorts half twisted around, can't find hole, rips shorts.
1. Thats not right
(Sum Ting Wong)...