Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage"; meant.
3. In Afr...
Here are some more T-shirt slogans for you to try in this exciting year. They will certainly turn heads!
* Anybody Seen My Mind? I Know it's Around Here Somewhere...
* Save the Drama for your Mama.
* Official Member of the Conjugal Visitors Program.
* Official Member of the Fashion Police Academy.
* My Long Term Goal is to Get Rick Quick.
* I speak Sarcasm as a Second Language.
On the only day in the year when men are able to please the woman in their life is of course St Valentine's Day - if they expect to get any...uh, make the fairer sex happy, then feel free to follow this short guide which we have prepared for you in time for next year so that you can be more au fait with the art of seduction.
There are just six fundamental points to remember:
Step One: Rememb...
A Poll was taken by at least 2000 motorists and a list has been drawn up of the top 10 celebrities that people would NOT like to have as a driving partner if they were taking part in a rally. The reasons for these choices are not given, but some of the reasons that they are not chosen could be as follows:
10. Lewis Hamilton: he would be in too much of a rush to enjoy the scenery and when we did...
David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!
Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more stray animals!
Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper
Martha! Have you got ants in your pants? Why can'...
2008: I will get my weight down below 170 pounds and will definitely give up smoking.
2009: I will watch my calories until my weight is below 200 pounds and maybe give up smoking too.
2010: I will follow my new diet until I get below 220 pounds, but I have decided not to give up the cigarettes just yet.
2011: I will work out once a week on my way to the tobacconist.
2012: I will dr...
1. Join the Church of Scientology for a few years. (Remember the name of the game is to get rid of your children for 12 years, yes 12 years!!)
2. Renounce your faith in Scientology.
3. Allow the "church" to write up a contract for 1 billion years. (Why 1 billion years?)
4. Let them send away child/children to catch a jet to Australia.
5. They will then be given a boarding pass for two...
Here are some humorous t-shirts to wear around town.
Put one on and see how many laughs you get:
* Here I am! Now What are Your Other Two Wishes?
* I Recycle. I Wore this Shirt Yesterday.
* I'm Good in Bed. I can sleep for Days!
* Also Available in Sober.
* Voted Class of 2057's Most Likely to Travel Back in Time.
* I'm like a Museum - Look But Don't Touch.
* Somebody Needs to Rub My Bel...
1. Be patient with your humans during this time. They may be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog cuddles.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake an...
I was quite fascinated when I was looking at the iPhone 4 specifications, and was particularly intrigued by something within the camera. It is called the Backside Illumination Sensor. I just wonder what it really does?
All kinds of things were going through my mind and I came to the conclusion that if you were coming into close proximity to a celebrity or someone you think that the sun shines o...
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells, which over nine months, develop into a complete female baby.
The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.
Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cell necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female.
This is using an indisputable mathematical logic and should be viewed from a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in...
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing...yet lives for 450 years.
5. The camel will walk over 100 miles in search of water in temperatures of 100° F.
6. The albatross flies millions of mil...
I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.
In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
If at fir...
JAZZ: Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.
BLUES: Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.
WORLD MUSIC: A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.
OPERA: People singing when they should be talking.
RAP: People talking when they should be singing.
CLASSICAL: Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
FOLK: Endless songs...
I'm not de9 u should have a 6th sense b4 u leave 4 a dinner party. When u arrive, it dozen hurt 2 remember the bay6. Don't b l8, hold ur 4K properly, keep ur food on ur pl8, don't let any1 say u 8 2 fast, and check ur napkin off10. 4tun8ly it will keep food off of u. It's ys advice 4 kids, 4 adults and even 14agers. Don't get plum stains on urself or some1 will say, "o i c u 8 1 2."
TTFN 4 NOW...
Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done."
Quote from the Boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work "The beatings will continue until morale improves."
A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones...
This world is constantly being tied up with red tape and bureaucracy and even with the simplest, cheapest gadgets (usually made in China, and therefore translated rather badly) come a plethora of instructions that can take weeks to digest before even using new equipment for the first time. Then of course there is the gobbledygook to contend with.
For example: I recently bought one of those new...
Pope Benedict XVI has been given a new iPhone to try after he encouraged the worldwide Roman Catholic Church to make use of the new media available. That was last year's speech and now it has become a reality, he may have to eat his words.
The pontiff gave a mixed reaction on the use of the iPhone. He told In Seine News: "it has ze ups and ze downs! - First of all, it is useful in encouraging z...
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother repl...
This has never happened to me before, but this day, Friday, 4th February 2011 would be etched in my memory forever and ever. I was amongst the thousands upon thousands (not exactly the one million expected!) Of fellow Muslims in the square in Cairo, for Friday prayers.
We took our shoes off and prostrated ourselves towards Mecca, I had the misfortune to be behind a flatulent worshipper. This wa...
This is getting ridiculous... every time that I load a new piece of software onto my computer, I have to plough through reams of small print. Most of it is written in legal jargon, which I suppose, is intentional to cover the various websites that we use!
For my convenience, I usually print out the terms and conditions for each site by cutting and pasting them into a Word document and increasin...