Showing articles written by P.M. Wortham.

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Funny story: Crush


With both hands still positioned on the edges of his keyboard and a few visually interesting but inane documents open on his desktop, he hoped that a passer by would not notice the redness of his face and the firmness of his jaw muscles while he clenched his teeth. It had been more than 15 minutes since Howard Kanupy had left an office carrying the presentation materials that the boss had asked...
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Funny story: President Gerald R. Ford Credited with Inspiring 80's Break Dancing Boom

President Gerald R. Ford Credited with Inspiring 80's Break Dancing Boom

Long thought to be an American President without any significant or positive societal impacts to his credit, Former President Gerald R. Ford has recently been identified as one of the primary influencers of the break dancing boom in the early 1980's. Known more for his reluctant acceptance of the Presidential office as a result of Richard Nixon's resignation, President Ford admitted then that h...
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Funny story: Don't Fret Armageddon

Don't Fret Armageddon

Consider this article a bit of an "I Have Nothing to Write Today" part deux. I say that because I did my morning routine again, listening to the news, poking around Internet news sites to grab the top stories and looking for something I could make light of. Spoofing I think, is truly an art. The talented writers who usually appear in the top 10 of TheSpoof(dot)Com's authors are considered, at...
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Funny story: I Have Nothing to Write Today

I Have Nothing to Write Today

An alarm clock sits next to my bed, pushed to the far corner of the night stand and out of convenient reach but no matter, there is never a need to set it. For some reason the brain seems to rise completely on its own at 5:00 AM every day whether or not the rest of the body is ready to crawl out from the warmth and protection of a 20 year old faded and tattered quilt. The basics followed. R...
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Funny story: Fights, Regrets and Blessings at Christmas

Fights, Regrets and Blessings at Christmas

The long holiday weekend began with packing and primping for the 7 hour, 500 mile crossing to various and sundry Mapquest destinations dotting the southern coast of the world's 4th largest lake. After four years physically removed from our respective families still clustered around the bottom edge of Lake Huron, my wife and I always start out our annual Christmas trek with sincere plans for mirth...
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Funny story: The Kardashian Christmas Carol

The Kardashian Christmas Carol

Sung to the tune of "God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen" God rest Merry Kardashians On Christmas we must say, You sound like four old cackling hens In constant disarray. Reality TV was great, Till you became cliché. Butt implants, Botox and breasts deployed. We jumped for joy. Oh, butt implants, Botox and breasts deployed. Momma Kris is family pimp "Their pictures for a price" The...
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Funny story: The Hams of Death - A Christmas Story

The Hams of Death - A Christmas Story

The thin man with bruised knuckles had sprawled out across a vintage creaky green and yellow plaid La-Z-Boy with one knee slightly bent so his bare feet could avail themselves of every last square inch of fully extended footrest. Lounging in a wife beater tee and duck patterned boxers, the mid life crisis poster child was nothing more than an unlikely American tourist turned writer who found hims...
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Funny story: Why I Didn't Write

Why I Didn't Write

Dear Naomi, In response to your last E-mail which asked why I didn't respond quickly to your assertion that somehow, I seemed to be ignoring you. Let me say that there could be many reasons for a delay in response, none of which have anything to do with an intentional thumbing of the nose at your correspondence. You see, sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. In fact, a plane crashed i...
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Funny story: Curdsville Wisconsin - Blog Number Three

Curdsville Wisconsin - Blog Number Three

Well Hey There and Howdy Friends. Well, it had been months since ole Edna and I took a break from the smell of Wisconsin dairy air, so we turned over the weekend's milk production to our farm hand, Jim-Bob and headed back to our Michigan hunting cabin for a couple days of much needed rest. I think with Jim-Bob, the milkin' will be in good hands, in a manner of speaking. Nobody hooks up a m...
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Funny story: Curdsville Wisconsin Part 2: Giving Edna the Boot

Curdsville Wisconsin Part 2: Giving Edna the Boot

Well Hey There and Howdy, Friends. We're still a bit soggy here on the farm this week, and there are parts of the back 40 where I can't step out of the trusty John Deere lest I find myself sunk up to my kneecaps in mud. Of course, it ain't just mud. Edna reminded me back in February that we needed to fertilize that plot of land this year and I'd been rather generous on the manure spread...
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Funny story: Curdsville Wisconsin Part 1: Making them Vegans Happy

Curdsville Wisconsin Part 1: Making them Vegans Happy

Vegans and Cheese This week at the Curdsville Dairy Farm, we tried to pacify all those Vegan protesters we caught stomping around our Alfalfa fields last week, by agreeing to mix tofu curds in with some of our best Colby cheese. We figured we might open up a whole new cheese market maybe, for folks who want to claim they're Vegans, but who still wear leather shoes, and generously butter their...
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Funny story: Top 5 Best American Political Gaffes of All Time

Top 5 Best American Political Gaffes of All Time

Perhaps slanted towards the last half of the 20th century and the beginning of the 21st, weighted by the preponderance of video and audio coverage from what used to be considered routine campaign speeches, the selection of the best (or worst) political gaffes absolutely has to include the following. Number 5. 1988 - Democratic Governor and presidential nominee, Mike Dukakis decided to take a...
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Funny story: Wednesday Ladies Lunch in Grosse Pointe

Wednesday Ladies Lunch in Grosse Pointe

Cynthia stepped out of her brand new 1995 white Buick Regal in Birkenstocks, wide belted jeans, a white long sleeve cotton blouse and matching scarf to tie her shoulder length, auburn hair back into a pony tail. Rare for an early October afternoon, the sun was beating back the clouds, heating the earth nicely and enhancing the fragrance of dry leaves on sidewalks and streets. She looked skyward...
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Funny story: Chambermaids, Skeletons, Graft and Wide Stances

Chambermaids, Skeletons, Graft and Wide Stances

Haven't we witnessed enough examples of indiscretion, corruption and poor judgment to know that we should stop putting public figures up on a pedestal? Should we really take what they say at face value or should we finally question everything? Haven't we learned yet that those who seem to take the hardest line (for or against) a particular lifestyle, religious viewpoint, or political position ar...
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Funny story: Crack Whore-O-Scopes: Summer 2011

Crack Whore-O-Scopes: Summer 2011

Just in time for Spring and Summer, the Astrological Star Society based in Jackson Hole, Wyoming has expanded its customized translations for the workforce by including specialized astrology readings for working class women and men in the Crack Whore profession. Starting in May, the A.S.S. will publish new insight gleaned from the stars to guide your personal and professional lives. The stars are...
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Funny story: The Over 50 Male Rant

The Over 50 Male Rant

As if there weren't already enough rants available on the interwebs, featuring fanatical right or political left, bible thumping religious exclusivity, social, cultural or gender based preeminence, why not one more dedicated to the plight of the modern 50+ year old male. Regardless of race, class, cultural upbringing or religious background, the Over Fifty Male, known in this thread to be the O...
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Funny story: Pariah Found Alive in Piranha Pond

Pariah Found Alive in Piranha Pond

Surprising most who found the man still figuratively alive and unscathed from the hundreds of omnivores surrounding him in a close-knit community of newspaper professionals, one fairly obtuse hack writer with good intent, emerged for the last time from the London journalist's favorite watering hole without so much as a nibble on his pinkie. Mr. Pat Wohm began adulthood as an above average Engli...
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Funny story: The Five People You Meet At Christmas Dinner

The Five People You Meet At Christmas Dinner

At the close of yet another Holiday season, complete with all the social interaction stress, heartburn, and credit card debt, which causes a bit of its own monetary stress and heartburn, I hesitated over the proper opening words to this story because although plainly cliché, the description would be entirely accurate. That said, "It was a dark and stormy night". The clan of five was distrib...
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Funny story: Obituary: Vinny "Two Guns" Banducci

Obituary: Vinny "Two Guns" Banducci

Vinny "Two Guns" Banducci, 76, of Newark, New Jersey, left this earth on Saturday, December 11, 2010 after a lengthy and rare illness resulting from an over production of Testosterone. Vinny was survived by his wife, Nina of 39 years, brother Vito and sister Donna, with close and personal friends Scarlett Sparkles of Las Vegas, Nevada, Candy Kane of Atlantic City, New Jersey, Passion Alvarez...
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Funny story: Parody Week: Fast Food California

Parody Week: Fast Food California

Not so much a TV theme parody, just a favorite song that plays into the truth and partial injustice of the fat American persona. To the tune of Hotel California. On a dark SoCal highway, warm smog in my hair Warm smell of fresh pizza, rises up through the air On the right past the stop sign, I saw a glowing red light My stomach growled and my will wore thin I had to stop for a bite.
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Funny story: G20, China Tells U.S. to "Pound Sand"

G20, China Tells U.S. to "Pound Sand"

It is sort of interesting really, that in what has clearly become a world economy, where all now seem to thrive or die based on each other's economic health, that the major world players including China would tell the U.S. to go take an abrasive one in the arse. A bit of a shocking response given that the largest consumer market in the world, the economy that kick starts the world economy in ma...
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Funny story: Madam's Family Theme Song: A Vegas Brothel

Madam's Family Theme Song: A Vegas Brothel

And in order to answer Ms. Charpa's call, I have created a spoof theme song to one of my boyhood syndicated favotites, the Addams Family. And I was forced to write this intro to claim a minimum of 100 words so that it could be published. (108) Then I noticed that the advertising on the left side, really screwed up the alighment of the lyrics, so I decided to write a little bit more to push the...
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Breaking News...

"Goop" Introduces Coal Egg

"Once you muster enough pelvic muscle strength to compress this baby into a diamond, you will have a beautiful gemstone to present to the man of your dreams," declared spokesmodel Gwyneth Paltrow.
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