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Showing articles written by Monkey Woods.


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Funny story: Spoofomaniac

Spoofomaniac

I've always drunk water EVER so cold And have done since I was 15 months old Afore that, kind Sirs, I'm bound to admit I was keen for a suck of me dear old mam's tit And sometimes, still am. Oh, please, Sirs, I beg you! Don't scold me! Don't chide! From your derision, 'tis true, I have nowhere to hide Don't hate me! Don't slate me! It's a lie! I'm not cheap! (Though it's true I once had...
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Funny story: Writing On The Wall

Writing On The Wall

I'm the cat amongst your pigeons I'm the writing on your wall I'm the black sheep in your family No, I don't fit in at all I'm the sight that raises eyebrows The cause of nervous coughs The fly in soup and ointment The cap that's never doffed It's me! The spanner in the works The dust speck in your eye When everything seems out of sync You know that I'm nearby I'm the scalpel lef...
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Funny story: Ode to an Ex

Ode to an Ex

Hag, slag, you filfy old bag! Your minge is a sewer, your titties, they sag You can't call me squeamish, but I had to gag When I saw your pug-mug in that tacky slut mag Your 'friends' they all hate you, your pimp is a fag Trundlin' along in his clapped-out old Jag Your looks, about which, no cretin would brag Ho', that no right-minded being would shag Explanation for this...
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Funny story: Corn Flakes Box Doorstoppers: How To Make One

Corn Flakes Box Doorstoppers: How To Make One

Here we are again with the latest in our How To Make One series, and this time it's something extremely useful, and also muchly cheap! If you've ever needed something to keep the door ajar on hot summer days, you're in luck, because my latest idea is the Corn Flakes box doorstopper. First, you need an empty Corn Flakes box. Size doesn't matter, but, if you really want to impress the neighbou...
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Funny story: The White Stuff

The White Stuff

I like milk, I'm inclined to say, And I drink it keenly, ev'ry day One me Corn Flakes, in me tea, Sans milk, the same, it would not be Does the milkmaid, on her stool Know the bliss she brings this fool? Udder clenched - then, without fail The white stuff spurts into her pail! And then the milkman, on his float Provides according to Mum's note Chilled and pure as driven snow The mil...
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Funny story: Leave Them Alone

Leave Them Alone

Ants, ants, ants They're not very nice Weird little bodies Creeping, crawling, swarming But they're all 'people' If we go back far enough They can't help their nasty habits So leave them alone Bees, bees, bees They're not very nice Black and yellow Buzzing, buzzing, buzzing But they're all 'people' If we go back far enough They can't help their nasty habits, so leave them alone...
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Funny story: I Feel Like A Bird

I Feel Like A Bird

Here's a poem I writ when I was a bit fed up. I feel like a bird Moved to fly, or to try So high, in the sky (Or to die) And to detect a big, fat juicy worm With my beady eye I feel like a bird Special thing, on the wing For a fling, I would sing Like Evelyn Champagne King That incomparable sexy soul diva Rind-a-ding-ding! I feel like a bird And, in truth, a bit grim Hardly tr...
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Funny story: So Many Ties!

So Many Ties!

I hadn't really noticed It just crept up on me How many ties I've purchased More than thirty-three In fact, thirty-four How many neckties do I need? I've only got one neck! It really does border on greed My mate said "Flippin' 'eck!" Or something 'similar' They really do look smart though, As I knot them up real neat Stood in front of bathroom mirror With the help of my two feet...
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Funny story: I Want To Be An Arab

I Want To Be An Arab

I want to be an Arab And wear a flowing robe With a beard down to my ankles From my ear lobe I want to be an Arab And chat all day and night On a mat that's facing Mecca, or wherever They direct that shite I want to be an Arab They love a drop of wine! Downside: no bacon, sausage or pork chop They're forbidden to touch swine I want to be an Arab Have my women walk behind Whilst...
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Funny story: A Treehouse: How To Make One

A Treehouse: How To Make One

Ever thought you'd like to live the outdoor life? Ever wondered what it would be like to live under the stars? Ever considered building a treehouse? Good, I hoped you say that! I've never built one, or even been in one, but how hard could it be? The first thing, I imagine, that you need to build a treehouse, is a tree. Without one, the idea just won't work. I was going to say "the proj...
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Funny story: Snooker Match-fixing: What's Wrong With It?

Snooker Match-fixing: What's Wrong With It?

Snooker player, Stephen Lee was recently found guilty of match-fixing in what officials called "the worst case of snooker corruption we've seen". His penalty was a 12-year ban, even though snooker's governing body had pushed for a life ban. The length of the sentence, however, had already been fixed earlier. Lee, 38, had denied the allegations which concerned seven games in 2008 and 2009, in...
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Funny story: Dr Kenwood's Worst-Case Scenario Casebook # 2: Am I Going To Die?

Dr Kenwood's Worst-Case Scenario Casebook # 2: Am I Going To Die?

Hello again everyone. I have in front of me a letter from a concerned patient, worried sick that he might be 'terminally ill'. Now, as you know, death is not a trifling thing, and is certainly not something we should be making fun of, but it happens to us all in the end, and we shouldn't be afraid to die. That's what I tell my patients if I think they are going to snuff it, anyway. The l...
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Funny story: Dr Kenwood's Worst-Case Scenario Casebook # 1: Ants

Dr Kenwood's Worst-Case Scenario Casebook # 1: Ants

I'm often contacted by patients who ask the strangest questions - some of them of a mediacl nature, some of them not - but I always endeavour to answer all of them impartially, and without prejudice, even when I know that one has been sent by a Paki. Now though, as I near the end of my medical career, and I'm in need of extra funds to keep me going through my twilight years, I considered that s...
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Funny story: Fat Birds - Have They Got It Right?

Fat Birds - Have They Got It Right?

Overweight females - they're horrible, aren't they? Flabby, unkempt, stinking and sweaty armpits, sagging breasts and with puffed-up faces like hamsters with a stuffed pouch, just some of the undesirable attributes a fat bird can claim as her own, as she sidles along through her sad life munching Mars Bars as if they were going out of fashion. But wait just a minute. Before we go judging these...
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Funny story: The Dog That Talked

The Dog That Talked

The Dog That Talked It really was a miracle I just stood and gawped Left paralysed and speechless When I met the dog that talked He asked me many questions For hours we just walked A scholar, statesman, acrobat He was the dog that talked Times were hard, I saw my chance, This novelty I hawked, Customers would queue for miles, To pat the dog that talked! After we were married,...
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Funny story: Philip K. Dick: A Glaring Omission, I Believe

Philip K. Dick: A Glaring Omission, I Believe

The other day I was reading from a collection by the noted science fiction author Philip K. Dick. The collection included stories such as The Minority Report, Paycheck, Impostor and a lesser-known short story called What The Dead Men Say. It is with regard to the latter that I write today, and about which I would like to pose a question to Mr Philip K. Dick. Now, I know as well as anyone else,...
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Funny story: Racism Quiz: Are You A Racist? Find Out Here!

Racism Quiz: Are You A Racist? Find Out Here!

I know what you're thinking: another one of those stupid quizzes with even more stupid scenarios to supposedly decipher whether or not you are a screaming racist, right? That's right! It's the only way to tell. Just asking you whether or not you consider yourself a Nazi will most likely, make you run and hide your nationalistic tendencies where the sun can't get at them. Take the test, and...
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Funny story: Gay Quiz: Are You Gay? Find Out Here!

Gay Quiz: Are You Gay? Find Out Here!

It's a question I know many people will have pondered over at some time in their lives, and even the good readers of TheSpoof.com will have had times when they have experienced doubts over their own sexuality, and asked themselves: Am I gay? In today's strange world, it's easy to imagine that homosexuality is a normal thing, accepted, fashionable even, and that being gay is as regular as bears...
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Funny story: Noodle Shop Experience

Noodle Shop Experience

The aroma assaults me The heat is intense Choking on chillis To me, makes no sense But here is all life And all life is here The noodles, the men, the women, the beer The vendor surveys me Her stare is intense She throws in more chillis She can't comprehend A farang in her shop? It doesn't make sense But why complain If he's willing to spend? I survey the menu But 'Mai kow ja...
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Funny story: Poetry Doubts

Poetry Doubts

Does my lack of poetic training show? Does the prose in my 'poems' properly flow? Is the imagery clear for all to see? Or are my bored readers just laughing at me? Does a carpenter make good cupboards right from the start? Do his dovetails fit snugly? Are doors straight and smart? Is everything perfect, with no tiny gaps? Or do the doors swing wide open, and the shelving collapse? Do m...
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Funny story: Limericks

Limericks

Limericks are fun, aren't they, children? And they're easy to write too. There are five lines in a limerick, with the first, second and last lines rhyming with each other, and the third and fourth lines rhyming with each other as well. Limericks were a great source of fun in the long-ago days when there were no Playstations, and there was relatively little to do apart from chew stalks of grass,...
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Funny story: Ode to the Big Shoppe

Ode to the Big Shoppe

You are my refuge, my Big Shoppe, You save my life, ev'ry day, When I dither in your car park, Trying to decide what to eat today - You show me the way, To the supermarket, In your basement underbelly. Oh, the aisles! There are so many! And plentifully stocked, But the locals and their trolleys, Keep them permanently blocked - You show me the way, To an empty till, Where a girl eage...
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Breaking News...

Pink Loses Suit Against Manufacturer of "Lick Pink" Gear

"You can't complain about a parody that associates your brand with a sexual act if your brand is already named 'Like Pink,'" said the judge in the case.
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