Showing articles written by Monkey Woods.

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Funny story: I Feel Like A Bird

I Feel Like A Bird

Here's a poem I writ when I was a bit fed up. I feel like a bird Moved to fly, or to try So high, in the sky (Or to die) And to detect a big, fat juicy worm With my beady eye I feel like a bird Special thing, on the wing For a fling, I would sing Like Evelyn Champagne King That incomparable sexy soul diva Rind-a-ding-ding! I feel like a bird And, in truth, a bit grim Hardly tr...
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Funny story: So Many Ties!

So Many Ties!

I hadn't really noticed It just crept up on me How many ties I've purchased More than thirty-three In fact, thirty-four How many neckties do I need? I've only got one neck! It really does border on greed My mate said "Flippin' 'eck!" Or something 'similar' They really do look smart though, As I knot them up real neat Stood in front of bathroom mirror With the help of my two feet...
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Funny story: I Want To Be An Arab

I Want To Be An Arab

I want to be an Arab And wear a flowing robe With a beard down to my ankles From my ear lobe I want to be an Arab And chat all day and night On a mat that's facing Mecca, or wherever They direct that shite I want to be an Arab They love a drop of wine! Downside: no bacon, sausage or pork chop They're forbidden to touch swine I want to be an Arab Have my women walk behind Whilst...
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Funny story: A Treehouse: How To Make One

A Treehouse: How To Make One

Ever thought you'd like to live the outdoor life? Ever wondered what it would be like to live under the stars? Ever considered building a treehouse? Good, I hoped you say that! I've never built one, or even been in one, but how hard could it be? The first thing, I imagine, that you need to build a treehouse, is a tree. Without one, the idea just won't work. I was going to say "the proj...
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Funny story: Snooker Match-fixing: What's Wrong With It?

Snooker Match-fixing: What's Wrong With It?

Snooker player, Stephen Lee was recently found guilty of match-fixing in what officials called "the worst case of snooker corruption we've seen". His penalty was a 12-year ban, even though snooker's governing body had pushed for a life ban. The length of the sentence, however, had already been fixed earlier. Lee, 38, had denied the allegations which concerned seven games in 2008 and 2009, in...
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Funny story: Dr Kenwood's Worst-Case Scenario Casebook # 2: Am I Going To Die?

Dr Kenwood's Worst-Case Scenario Casebook # 2: Am I Going To Die?

Hello again everyone. I have in front of me a letter from a concerned patient, worried sick that he might be 'terminally ill'. Now, as you know, death is not a trifling thing, and is certainly not something we should be making fun of, but it happens to us all in the end, and we shouldn't be afraid to die. That's what I tell my patients if I think they are going to snuff it, anyway. The l...
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Funny story: Dr Kenwood's Worst-Case Scenario Casebook # 1: Ants

Dr Kenwood's Worst-Case Scenario Casebook # 1: Ants

I'm often contacted by patients who ask the strangest questions - some of them of a mediacl nature, some of them not - but I always endeavour to answer all of them impartially, and without prejudice, even when I know that one has been sent by a Paki. Now though, as I near the end of my medical career, and I'm in need of extra funds to keep me going through my twilight years, I considered that s...
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Funny story: Fat Birds - Have They Got It Right?

Fat Birds - Have They Got It Right?

Overweight females - they're horrible, aren't they? Flabby, unkempt, stinking and sweaty armpits, sagging breasts and with puffed-up faces like hamsters with a stuffed pouch, just some of the undesirable attributes a fat bird can claim as her own, as she sidles along through her sad life munching Mars Bars as if they were going out of fashion. But wait just a minute. Before we go judging these...
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Funny story: The Dog That Talked

The Dog That Talked

The Dog That Talked It really was a miracle I just stood and gawped Left paralysed and speechless When I met the dog that talked He asked me many questions For hours we just walked A scholar, statesman, acrobat He was the dog that talked Times were hard, I saw my chance, This novelty I hawked, Customers would queue for miles, To pat the dog that talked! After we were married,...
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Funny story: Philip K. Dick: A Glaring Omission, I Believe

Philip K. Dick: A Glaring Omission, I Believe

The other day I was reading from a collection by the noted science fiction author Philip K. Dick. The collection included stories such as The Minority Report, Paycheck, Impostor and a lesser-known short story called What The Dead Men Say. It is with regard to the latter that I write today, and about which I would like to pose a question to Mr Philip K. Dick. Now, I know as well as anyone else,...
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Funny story: Racism Quiz: Are You A Racist? Find Out Here!

Racism Quiz: Are You A Racist? Find Out Here!

I know what you're thinking: another one of those stupid quizzes with even more stupid scenarios to supposedly decipher whether or not you are a screaming racist, right? That's right! It's the only way to tell. Just asking you whether or not you consider yourself a Nazi will most likely, make you run and hide your nationalistic tendencies where the sun can't get at them. Take the test, and...
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Funny story: Gay Quiz: Are You Gay? Find Out Here!

Gay Quiz: Are You Gay? Find Out Here!

It's a question I know many people will have pondered over at some time in their lives, and even the good readers of will have had times when they have experienced doubts over their own sexuality, and asked themselves: Am I gay? In today's strange world, it's easy to imagine that homosexuality is a normal thing, accepted, fashionable even, and that being gay is as regular as bears...
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Funny story: Noodle Shop Experience

Noodle Shop Experience

The aroma assaults me The heat is intense Choking on chillis To me, makes no sense But here is all life And all life is here The noodles, the men, the women, the beer The vendor surveys me Her stare is intense She throws in more chillis She can't comprehend A farang in her shop? It doesn't make sense But why complain If he's willing to spend? I survey the menu But 'Mai kow ja...
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Funny story: Poetry Doubts

Poetry Doubts

Does my lack of poetic training show? Does the prose in my 'poems' properly flow? Is the imagery clear for all to see? Or are my bored readers just laughing at me? Does a carpenter make good cupboards right from the start? Do his dovetails fit snugly? Are doors straight and smart? Is everything perfect, with no tiny gaps? Or do the doors swing wide open, and the shelving collapse? Do m...
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Funny story: Limericks


Limericks are fun, aren't they, children? And they're easy to write too. There are five lines in a limerick, with the first, second and last lines rhyming with each other, and the third and fourth lines rhyming with each other as well. Limericks were a great source of fun in the long-ago days when there were no Playstations, and there was relatively little to do apart from chew stalks of grass,...
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Funny story: Ode to the Big Shoppe

Ode to the Big Shoppe

You are my refuge, my Big Shoppe, You save my life, ev'ry day, When I dither in your car park, Trying to decide what to eat today - You show me the way, To the supermarket, In your basement underbelly. Oh, the aisles! There are so many! And plentifully stocked, But the locals and their trolleys, Keep them permanently blocked - You show me the way, To an empty till, Where a girl eage...
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Funny story: English Breakfast Poem

English Breakfast Poem

The chewing now is over The 'gnawing at the bone' Sausages burnt to a cinder Tomatoes underdone Bacon far too crispy See the yolks run and run! Rounded off with Heinz baked beans And a well-grilled onion. Transport cafe breakfast In amongst the jasmine breeze An intruder, nay, impostor Is floating through the trees The English are a-frying A meal that's sure to please Traditional e...
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Funny story: My New Life As A Woman

My New Life As A Woman

My secret is out, I'm no longer a man, I came to Thailand, Instead of Japan, And all of a sudden, As I daydreamed one day, I had queer cravings, I thought I was gay! Went straight down to Yanhee, Told the doctors down there, "I'm fed up being macho Remove my cock hair!" But, oh! The translator! He was such a fool! Not only the cock hair, But also my tool, Was hacked of with gusto,...
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Funny story: The Most Beautiful Girl In The World

The Most Beautiful Girl In The World

Oh, Farida! How wondrous thy name upon my lips! On that beach, as you danced, those swaying hips, Your wonderful, beaming, cheeky smile, Red swimsuit, flowing hair - I should have had you right there How could we tell Each other of our love? You spoke only Arabic and French; And I, only, A crippled form of English. The cultural divide, How could it be breached? And yet, I've hea...
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Funny story: Tribute To Jalapenoman

Tribute To Jalapenoman

Jman, often known as J-man The only American I like, And I'm not even sure about him, to be honest But at least he's not a kike. Or is he? I've never met the J-man But he's from New Mexico I'm told. He weighed just over 400 pounds When only 15 years old. That's just background information, Nothing derogatory, I wouldn't speak ill of the J-man He might sit on me If he could cat...
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Funny story: I Broke My Hand

I Broke My Hand

Here is another in the series of poems that I wrote whilst either standing at a bus stop, or engaged in a toilet activity. A relatively short poem, this. Despite it's brevity, I think it describes everything that happened in a concise and informative way. And, although it lacks any symbolism or imagery, its sparseness indicates the loss to which I was at to explain the incident fully, and is re...
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Funny story: Ode To An Irish Builder

Ode To An Irish Builder

Oh, Fergus! You are the one for me! Well ... one of 'the ones' I do have a few other 'friends' on here, you know You're not THAT special! But Fergus, dear comrade, our post-midnight chats, They meant so much to me Although, all that posting and waiting for responses(sometimes until the next night!) We might as well have picked up the telephone and spoken to each other like most normal hum...
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