Two strangers meet in a bar and get to talking. The following 'conversation' took place.
1. What is your name?
1. Mother's maiden name?
1. Where do you live?
2. I live in Madison Drive, Wisconsin.
1. If I said I wanted an aerial photo of your house what would you say?
2. Where I live is none of your business.
1. If I asked you how you got it, when you got it...
Part two of our look at the candidates in the upcoming election has us conducting a interview round the back of the houses of Parliament. Inside a large bin where the Lib Dems have their campaign headquarters and we were ushered inside by a blind man being led by another blind man.
Nick Clegg was seated on stool made of the last elections manifesto, it looked hollow. He seemed pleased to see us...
Friends… I…I…what I want to say is this…that while I was travelling around the country…I…I met a girl…a girl called Mary… and Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow …and what I want to say is this…that…that everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go.
(Pause for applause)
And then I met a man, a…a… man called Humpty…a man called Humpty Dumpty… And, friends, Humpty Dumpty...
Port Augusta, South Australia, is part of the "Iron Triangle" which sister town Whyalla is part of.
Port Augusta is effectainly called Port Agutta and houses many attractions such as the two lane Port Augusta bridge which was used in the film "Wolf Creek"
Further attractions are the alcohol free dry zone covering the whole town, don't worry folks you can drink in the hotels but not in the s...
I'd been working as an administrative assistant at an Ivy League university for about a year when my boss, the school's marketing director, asked me to compile a list of inspirational quotes for the graduating class. I dutifully sent a mass email to the alumni, asking them to share the best advice they had for the students before they entered the "real" world. I then boiled down their responses to...
QM-NewsCorpse stringers have hacked into the Feds' data base and decoded anagram files of leading White House names.
The following is a selection of latest codes which the Bureau uses in secret communications.
If your name isn't on the list it's because probably you aren't important enough - or have already slipped the Director a fat wedge of greenbacks:
Lynch** harlot in mid-oral = Hil...
The election is coming! Please don't misread the second word and call the police on us. This is our first in a number of interviews with leading political figures in the run up to the already predetermined election in May. We spoke to king weirdo himself. Ed Miliband.
We met Ed in a windowless room as the idea of seeing clouds seemed to distress him to the point where he would rock back and for...
Here is a verbatim report from an article in a leading British Paper. We are not making this up. This is actually what it said:
"Sex scandal Labour grandee Lord Janner has been probed over allegations he was part of a Westminster paedophile ring.
The Met police spent six months investigating claims the peer - said to be too frail from dementia to be prosecuted - was a guest at London sex a...
Iron Knob, South Australia, is a pleasant surprise for tourists and adventurers who want a slice of the unexpected.
Iron Knob is a former iron ore town that feed the ore hungry town of Whyalla.
When driving into the little town you will notice the colour red is everywhere, at one time Iron Knob was going to be called Red Knob, but a Christian lobby group protested and said it sounded like an...
Scientists in Britain have found that heavy snoring or "sleep apnoea" can lead to psychopathic serial killing, paedophilia, joining the Freemasons and persuading entire nations to go to war against targeted little countries like Iraq that are rich in resources and helpless in defence.
Notable heavy snorers were Caligula, Hitler, Rip Van Winkle, Julius Caesar, Marlene Dietrich, Doris Day, Pope...
by Jonathan Swift
Diamond in the Literary Sky
Jonathan Swift is arguably the most significant satirist in the history of English prose. Nowhere is this better illustrated than in his timeless work, 'Gulliver's Travels'. Since its publication in 1726, critics have recognised it as the most accomplished satirical castigation of Enlightenment modernism e...
Ooh no, don't. Don't laugh. Oh no. What a week I've had. What a week, Missus. Have you had a week? I bet you have. No, don't titter. Don't mock the afflicted.
Oh but what a week it's been. Yes. No. Ooh. Hang on while I make some adjustments. I'm still breaking in these trousers you see. Don't mock. I shall have to knock through at this rate. No. Don't laugh. Yes, you Missus. Ca...
I tant to walk today about the forthcoming General Election, which is only wee threeks away and is constantly deing biscussed in all the marious vedia.
Some of you might fe beeling a fittle led up of all the telection alk and may creel like frying out: "I stan't cand many ore of this! I wish I fas war away hom frere."
To all of you I say: "I hear you and I understand". It al...
QUESTION Recently my wife attended a hen party on the Isle of Wight. After several drinks she began a game with another woman on the pub snooker table. She claims to have had a break of 155. Is this possible?
Additionally she then went on to play darts and claims to have achieved a nine dart finish, whatever that was.
Mr. Nick Swarzkopf
ANSWER Hello Nick. Regarding the snooker, your wif...
Famous Final Meals from Death Row
by Ty Treadwell
All the Right Ingredients
'Last Suppers: Famous Final Meals from Death Row' is one of those quirky books that will either turn your stomach or leave you hungry for more. Most of the condemned inmates requested uncomplicated meals that would never be listed in the Healthy Heart Cookbook. Little wonder. I can confirm t...
THE ART OF AUTO-FELLATIO
Oral Sex for One by Gary Griffin
Gary Griffin's book deals sensitively with a controversial subject but I think the title, The Art of Auto-fellatio, is a bit pretentious. Since when has receiving it in a car been considered an art? I should know.
In June, 1995, when I was grabbed by the fuzz while parked with a hooker near Sunset Boulevard, then nabbed...
The US have somehow managed to capture the musical talents of Jayden Smith, Siren Smilies, Bob Dylan, and Dustin Bleeper, putting them on display for all the world to provide the emotional response of their choice…
Yet, somehow, that unpatriotic bastard Edward Snowden, who maliciously and unforgivably pulled out of his ass all that self-evidently fake and contrived bullshit about NSA "snooping,...
1. He beats you up.
2. He doesn't beat you up. If he really loved you he would beat you up like your first husband... whom you should never have left but had to... because he beat you up.
3. You are not Jane enough to his Tarzan.
4. He is not Tarzan enough to your Jane.
5. He only married you for your money.
6. She only married you for your money.
7. He lusts after other women.
The BBC has announced that the election debate on Thursday will borrow the format of the popular quiz show; "Eggheads". "Dickheads" (BBC1, Thursday, 8.00pm) will feature several themed rounds.
Round 1; "cliché repetition". Ed Miliband is odds-on favourite to win this with "world banking crisis" and "I hated Blair and Brown as much as you!"
Round 2; impassioned ideology. Natalie Bennett should w...
The infallible Fox/MSNBC broadcasting-apologetical complex has proved beyond all reasonable and even all rhetorical doubt, that President Assad is "an evil mass-murdering tyrant who is killing his own people."
But even if you had the immaculate cruelty and unbearable arrogance to doubt this, you'd maybe better read what he has to say about Our Tony.
Read and denounce:
Well, well, well...
Prominent atheist and notable public figure Sam Harris has persuaded some Democratic Senators to try to stop the Flintstones from being shown in science classes.
According to Harris, the scientific evidence about human beings evolving much later than the extinction of the dinosaurs is not only compelling...
But also entirely delegitimises showing children any programs that depict humans and...
Standing next to a 4-meter-tall-5-meter long catwalk wall, I saw a cat condescendingly walking along the top of the wall. Seeing me, the cat stopped; suspiciously looked at me as a source of threat. Now, he launched a 3-pronged drones: seeing, hearing and olfactory.
The confused cat put the bottom down; kept wagging his tail and winked inquisitively. At this time, instinct came to his aide an...