I ran into my old English Comp Professor Feducious T. Flynt at the mall the other day and he told me he quit teaching and was now going to be a science-fiction writer.
"That's terrible. Absolutely atrocious. I feel so sorry for you, Feducious," I said.
"No, no, no. It's wonderful. And I'm just about at the halfway point of my first novel," he said jubilantly. "I'm doing so well that I decide...
My friend and neighbor Jacko stopped by the other day and told me that a doctor had just diagnosed him with Alice in Wonderland Syndrome. Now Jacko is so wild and weird that nothing he says or does is too far-fetched for me, but I must admit, I became a little concerned about this diagnosis.
"What exactly is Alice in Wonderland Syndrome?" I asked him.
"Well it all started with all these horr...
Hey! Listen up, you poor, miserable, deluded little satire writers. You guys thought you could make fun of the old Trump here, you thought I was just like all the other guys, right?
Yeah, I know what you guys do. I know your style. You did it to Clinton. You did to Bush. You're doing it to Obama.
And somehow, you poor, pitiful little satire scribblers and jaded comedy jacks thought you cou...
This year, millions of migrants have attempted to claim asylum in the EU. Many of them come from Africa, where the sun shines all year round, and so many things are cheaper, such as sand and life. So why do migrants risk everything to come to bureaucratic, rainy, overcrowded Europe?
Journalist Bob Chuff reckoned he knew why. "Spite!" he said. "They're just coming over here to annoy us, that's a...
1. Junkies are smarter than brokers.
2. The illegal drug market is protected by American law enforcement. Barney Frank patrols Wall Street.
3. Pull over. I think your tail light is out.
4. The illegal drug emarket is protected by politicians who get rich on bribes.
5. Assume the position.
6. People don't realize that prohibition puts the profitability into trafficking drugs. In othe...
FOR THE BILLIONAIRE WHO HAS EVERYTHING, why not pick up a presidential candidate?
There has never been a better time to buy your own candidate for president of the United States. For a mere US$ two hundred million you can have your pick of several younger candidates, or, for an extra hundred million you can choose a more experienced model, with plenty of mileage still left on the clock. All...
WikiStinks has examined all of Hillary Clinton's top secret classified emails. Hillary's true feelings are now known. Some high and lowlights:
"i've always had a crush on janet reno. angela merkel's not bad either. lol."
"i like a strong woman. xoxo. lgbtlol."
"bengazzi shmengazzi. omg! wtf?"
"whitewater rafting and cattle futures are my favorite hobbies. who's vince foster? lmao."...
A Rathskeller deep in the forested woods. Night has drawn its blackest curtain across the outer world, blocking out even the niggardly light from the stars. Rain hammers against the windows and lightning cackles in the air.
A troupe of men with faces that seek the shadows meet in a corner booth away from the gazes of the other inn patrons. They speak in cautious whispers that they wish no other...
[The candidates speak out at a town meeting in Plumbucket, New Hampshire . . .]
"You know, Jeb, that's just the stupidest thing I've ever heard, that illegally crossing the border is 'an act of love.' Where did you get that from, one of your wife's relatives?"
"Yeah? It's funny you should say that, Ted, since you weren't even born in this country. How about you show us your birth certifi...
Paddy O'Shea Remembers Being Born.
Paddy O'Shea of no fixed address London decided to seek help for his alcohol addiction. He was referred to the Tony Blair Asylum for the Insanely Deluded where he underwent hypnotherapy in the course of which he was regressed to infancy and beyond. Paddy, to psychiatrist Dr. Theo Leonard's amazement was able to recount in vivid detail his life in the womb and...
[AT A PRESS CONFERENCE IN IOWA] . . . and the third part of my plan to stop illegal immigration involves the erection of a new stadium on the U.S. - Mexican border. It'll be called the Trump Coliseum, and it'll have a separate entrance for those people who own one of the condos that will be included there as a part of the complex, as well as a multiplex theater, at least two three star restauran...
Following revelations from Dutch researchers that office thermostats are set based on the metabolism of a 40 year old 154 pound man (called Stan) and his pet gorilla called Eric, lesbian researchers in Reykjavik have made another startling discovery.
Extensive research shows that male toilets throughout the world have been designed with the needs of males of all ages in mind with total disregar...
1988: A Mock Epic for Two Parties
"I can't believe I'm losing to this guy." Michael Dukakis to Diane Sawyer, 1988.
Election night and I turn on
Democracy on CNN.
Proclaim, O Muse, how it turned out
We ended up with such a rout.
Was sleaze this year inordinate
Or do our noses swim in stink?
So that we can't tell gold from brass
Or why George Bush lacks any class.
The Hero of my ep...
SANFORD Ky - Michael May, 44, was discovered by Sanford police digging up his father's grave in a cemetery on Monday night, Aug. 17. May told the arresting officer that he was trying to exhume daddy so he could argue with him.
May was charged with violating graves, public intoxication and marijuana possession and was expeditiously locked up in the Lincoln County Jail.
What a fucking weirdo.
Republican National Committee is seeking qualified candidates for nomination for President of the United States in 2016. No prior experience necessary.
In response to your ad, please consider me a candidate for the Republican nomination for President in 2016. Although I have never held elective office, you can see from the enclosed resume that I have a long list of accomplishmen...
In the small hours, the battle cries of two stray large tomcats made sleep for the inhabitants really impossible. The cries were not regular meows; they were accompanied by accentuated words and expressions very similar to man's everyday conversation and, consequently, interpretable. Whether the fight was territorial dispute or sexual claims, could not be determined.
Since the fighting had beco...
Extra Legislation to Protect 'Freedom'.
Washington: Congress has passed new bills under instructions from Emperor Barack Obama to protect what he calls "citizens' inviolable freedoms". What does it mean?
Well,... as a reward for giving up on their Freedom of Speech upon which America's 'democracy' is founded, American sheeple can now have their innate freedoms legally protected. They are...
Observed by a reporter who understands baby talk, babies at a Day Care Center had a lot to say about what annoyed them about how adults speak. Here are a few direct quotes (as recorded by the reporter) from a number of different babies in the pack:
-- "I hate it when my mom and dad use that silly baby talk with me. Y'know, 'Goo goo, ga ga, coochie, coochie, coo.' Ridiculous! Why don't they gro...
Last Fall, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un became enraged with the United States due to the upcoming release of the movie "The Interview."
It has long been rumored that the dictator personally called President Obama to express his outrage, but until now the details of their conversation have never been revealed.
Thanks to a secret North Korean source we are now able to publish a transcri...
Not in the AIA Guide
The latest issue of the AIA Guide to New York City is out. As expected, it contains all the old favorites. But the recent work of one quasi-architect, this weekend's darling of the movers and shakers (not the Shakers), is not to be found in this "Classic Guide to New York's Architecture."
The artiste, Leonard Reklame ("Rek") Kaufmann, variously known to the architecto...
God's Office (1-800-GR8 1)
Cherubic voices singing "We are the World," followed by . . .
You have reached the offices of God. Para continuar en Espanol, oprimes dos. Our office hours are from 0000 to infinity, Zulu time. After you hear the music of the spheres, please leave your message. No need to leave your name or contact information. We know it.
Before you leave your message, please...
Archaeologists digging near Jerusalem have unearthed what could be the find of the century... a document purporting to list the actual charges made against Jesus Christ.
Jesus was formally arraigned at the house of the High Priest Caiaphas before a gathering of Scribes and officials belonging to the Jerusalem Sanhedrin council.
The list of indictments was read out to the defendant who made...