(1) When she is in heat... the traits of a killer carnivore.
(2) When she is not in heat... the traits of a florist who grows his own flowers and/or to look smoochy on the dance floor.
(3) Money. Shit loads of it.
(4) Unanimous approval from her friends.
(5) When in heat... he must boast an IQ of three, know how to grunt with abandon and have a hairy chest.
(6) When not in heat... h...
The Ballast diet has taken the international slimming world by storm. Below is a transcript of a recent, rare radio interview with its creator, Professor Swan Morrison, in which he discusses the scheme in unprecedented detail.
'Hello Professor Morrison and welcome to the Breakfast Radio Show.'
'Thank you for inviting me onto your programme.'
'You've invented a revolutionar...
Jaggedone's special news "Flash" for the ladies!
BBC HQ London! 04.02.2016
Matt Le Blanc will be taking over macho males fav TV programme, Top Gear! Matt has promised to wow his female followers by sitting naked in an open top E Type Jaguar!! The programme will be renamed "Women's Own Top Gear" and gaga females all over the planet have offered to stroke his gear stick as much as he desires!...
Jaggedone's CIA news flashes (from under his raincoat) live and uncensored!
Latest news flashing in from UN HQ!
"Syrian Peace talks suspended because UN members were seen crawling out of President Assad's rear end and the shock was too much for rebels who declined to lick his butt too!!"
Millions of Syrian refugees were not asked their opinion, they were too busy walking barefoot to Germa...
A janitor at the famous Caesar's Palace Las Vegas claimed he not only saw Frank Sinatra the famous singer in a dressing room he was cleaning but had a long conversation with his ghost.
A reporter from Follywood Fortnightly, LA's most prestigious variety magazine was invited to meet with the janitor. The janitor took the reporter to Frank's old dressing room and shouted;
Out of an...
KIM KARDASHIAN ROCKED UP TO RIHANNA'S FIRST DIAMOND BALL BENEFIT IN A PLUNGING LEOTARD WITH MESH NETTING. Friends say this is a radical departure for her. Kim has also been made an offer by Air Canada to model her bum for new hot air balloon.
MOTHER OF NINETEEN CHILDREN VOWS "NEVER TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN".
FRANK BRUNO GIVEN ALL CLEAR BY DOCTORS TO RESUME BOXING... BUT MAY HAVE T...
Our reporter at U-R-FKD talked to Dr. Zoroaster Pike of the Tavistock Mind Control Unit in London to get his views on the recent announcement that Britain has got the go-ahead to conduct genetic research into human embryos.
Critics are worried that it masks other concerns outside of human welfare that could have far reaching consequences for all of us. We could be at the mercy of mad back room...
Bill Gates has been invited to talk about his fabulous life on Desert Island Discs an ancient BBC 4 radio programme and divulge to the world his favourite top ten songs, and here they are exclusively for you:
1) Money - Pink Floyd (what else?)
2) How much is that doggy in the WINDOW? - (Gates heard this as a nipper and the rest is history)
3) Tainted Love - Soft Cell (not in a gay way he...
After Simon and Garfunkel
Hello Smartphone, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because I'm sitting here almost sleeping
Until I hear my iPhone loudly beeping
And the train of thought that was forming in my brain
No longer remains
Within the screen of silence
In restless sleep I hear its drone
My ever-present new Smartphone
'Neath the halo of my bedside lamp
I turned my...
Unannounced to most of us, one of the most incredible rock and roll groups has passed before us and we didn't even notice it. Maybe most of us were too stoned to catch it.
This group was named The Rock Bottom Remainders and should have made the cover of the Rolling Stone except for one problem- it was made up of mostly literary figures. The thought of listening to people involved heavily with...
We met up with the perpetually elusive Brit artist Banksy at a pub in Soho London, the same pub ironically where J.K Rowling allegedly met her future publishing agent Christopher Little. Banksy wore a woollen mask and shades. Our reporter from "Hoodwinked" recorded the conversation.
An Interview with Banksy
Q. Would you call yourself a capitalist?
B. No way. Loathe it.
Q. Why do you st...
There are many things which ruin mankind's faith in God. Here is a selection of the biggest causes, in descending order:
2. Greasy, fat, corrupt, middle-aged photographers surrounded by beautiful women who do what they tell them no matter how denigrating or violating.
3. Natural disasters such as earthquakes and George Bush Junior.
4. Unnatural disasters such as 9/11 and G...
1) "Mr. President, the only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke."
2) "Nuclear weapons are fun. I think every good upstanding American without a criminal history should have one or two of them."
3) "I'm a strong supporter of the NRA and I honestly believe, down in the bottom of my heart, that we should all start trying to put "FUN" back in funerals."
You know the Jonah I'm talking about. Swallowed whole by a whale, he emerged totally intact three days later from the belly of the whale.
There's speculation that Jonah is finally getting even. Rumor has it that he's sent a miserable snow storm to the U.S. to belatedly protest his three-day illegal confinement. Reportedly he's told friends, "Believe me, it's no picnic being in a whale's belly f...
Ten Reasons Why you are Skint.
1. Your parents want you to get to heaven and only skint people they fervently believe go there say the holy books. Your parents may wear Shamrocks, turbans, beads and feathers or Eskimo hats, it really doesn't matter. You are mandated to stay skint for the rest of your natural because it would break their hearts if you didn't. After all they have suffered for you...
Wall Street New York
Our Financial Times Reporter.
Life has been floated on the US Stocks share market. It opened at a dollar a share. Dividends are rewarded per percentage yield converted into minutes and hours of extra life. It has no basis in reality, of course, but like money itself depends entirely on consensus belief for its existence. Speculators believe that if they can accumulate enough...
Conspiracy Theories #4 - Enough To Write A Book About
Conspiracy Theories is the hard hitting website that isn't afraid to investigate and expose the dark forces that seek to prey in so many devious ways upon the general publicum. We are here because you need us! We are ever vigilant against those evil people, organizations, nations and cultures that are out to handicap and repress our great A...
No, no, a thousand times NO!
Too many of them are total scumbags -- treating their spouses and/or partners like dirt, accepting and/or making illegal bribes, appropriating campaign cash for their own use, not keeping their campaign promises, etc.
When I was in grammar school, we practiced writing letters to elected public officials and were always instructed to address them as THE HONORABLE...
To be sung to the melody of "If I had a hammer"
If Trump had a hammer,
He'd hammer in the morning,
He'd hammer in the evening,
All over this land.
He'd hammer on Mexicans,
He'd hammer on Muslims,
He'd hammer at the love between
Our brothers and our sisters
All over this land.
If Trump had a bell,
He'd toll it in the morning,
He'd toll it in the evening,
All over Trump Land...
I cannot tell you how uplifting Francesca Gino's recent article in Scientific American magazine made me feel.
All my life I have been harassed, whether it be by my parents or close friends, as having a terribly sarcastic attitude towards life and all the assholes I have to share it with. Then, finally, I find an article from who the hell knows whom, which justifies my entire reason for being.
Is it hot in here? If by "here" you mean the planet earth then yes. Well that's not entirely true; it's still pretty cold in Canada, Russia, even Iceland. However, records show that average temperatures are increasing not only in the United States, but in the coldest nations on earth. Who's to blame? Scientists believe they have found the culprit; its name is Global Warming.
Ron: No keg Fred, so I got you the usual.
Fred: Just thought it'd make a change. Nehmind, they waitin' on a delivery then?
Ron: No, gaffer reckons all the breweries stopped making keg bitter araand twenny odd years ago. I said to 'im, I said you ought to av a sign up behind the bar so as people will know.
Fred: They don't tell yer nuffin now Ron, just do as they please without any warnin'.