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Funny story: New words of 2014

New words of 2014

The latest edition of the Dorking Standard English Dictionary was released to the shops this week. Publishers were celebrating after the number of words increased 3% on last year to reach a record 800,000. It means that the English language has completed its recovery since the great word crash of 2002 when many words were lost. Here are a selection of the new words which have made it into the d...
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Funny story: 'What Dreams Shall Come' - A Spoof Tribute To Robin Williams

'What Dreams Shall Come' - A Spoof Tribute To Robin Williams

Suicides were always a pain for Detective Malny. Always ugly. Always depressing, although he never let that show. This one especially. Robin Williams. One of the most famous comics ever. The guy who always made people laugh. Found hanging by a belt. By his own hands. He was met at the house by Detective Tromsa, one of the first ones on the scene, someone he had worked with often before...
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Funny story: The New Colossus (for Gov. Rick Perry)

The New Colossus (for Gov. Rick Perry)

With apologies to Emma Lazarus Just like the brazen ass of Texan fame With chiseled face broadcast across the land, Here at our southern border gates shall stand With border guards be-pistoled, in his name Hater of exiles! From his ambitious flame Glows unwelcome spite; his air-brushed looks command The hate-filled folks who represent his brand And hang on to his words so often lame.
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Funny story: Henry Kissinger on "Depopulation"

Henry Kissinger on "Depopulation"

We met Dr. Henry Kissinger during a brief visit to Washington's Grand Masonic Lodge where he was guest of honour recently for his sterling work on behalf of the New World Order. We asked him some searching questions: "Is it true that you were a Soviet Spy?" He laughed: "No, of course not. The rumour came about because I was giving military secrets to the Soviet Union." "How do you loo...
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Funny story: Barry Budget's amazing lifestyle tips

Barry Budget's amazing lifestyle tips

Here's some great tips to help you get the best out of life when running on a limited budget. 1. Don't holiday abroad. Book a caravan in your local caravan park, and come home to cook meals cheaply. 2. Take a six-pack of supermarket brand beer into the pub with you, and buy only one beer in the pub. Then instead of ordering more drinks, just top up your own from the can. You'll save a fortun...
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Funny story: Why Netflix Is the Messiah

Why Netflix Is the Messiah

For years now, people have feasted their eyes to the sky and have asked The Lord to come back to this earth in hopes for a better future. I'm sure god said to his people that he did not feel that the time is ready, so he sent a piece of fortune that would help them…"forget about it." "I have a Netflix account" is such an effortless sentence. Saying something more like "I hold before me the powe...
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Funny story: Toker's guide to cooking could unveil clues to alzheimers

Toker's guide to cooking could unveil clues to alzheimers

Have bong, get frying pan, wonder why your holding frying pan and put back. Have bong, turn on stove, feel sure you got frying pan out ready to cook, get frying pan its not there. Have bong, get dry mouth, go to fridge to get glass of milk, find frying pan put frying pan away in correct cupboard. Have bong, wonder why stove is on turn off, wonder why glass of milk is on counter? and repeat. And...
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Funny story: Humanoid ISIS

Humanoid ISIS

The Yazidi of Iraq, now threatened of genocide, believe that God first created Angel Tavoos. Next, Adam. Then, God ordered all angels including Tavoos to bow to Adam. Tavoos refused, saying, "How can I bow to another being, especially one made of dirt." Regardless of what we read in religious books, it seems that man is an imperfect creature. Scientifically, man needs much more time before...
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Funny story: Salmond's Scotland For Independence

Salmond's Scotland For Independence

Mr Salmond found the time out of his busy schedule to speak to ace Spoof reporter FBI AL over questions he is messing with 'The Union' purely to get his name in the history books. "Well of course it's nothing to do with me getting my name in lights or in the history books as the man who tried or succeeded in making Scotland an independent nation," said Salmond, "and in no way am I laying the gr...
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Funny story: World War One's Greatest Weapon

World War One's Greatest Weapon

World War One was a conflict. It featured some of the greatest weapons ever invented, including the first usage of the aeroplane, the tank and the machine gun in a major war. However, there is one weapon that was used during WW1 which has been largely overlooked, but which probably affected the outcome more than any other. It is of course, the inflatable toilet catapult. Inflatable toilets w...
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Funny story: The "Giving" Tree: A Children's Story About the Koch Brothers

The "Giving" Tree: A Children's Story About the Koch Brothers

With apologies to Shel Silverstein Once there was a tree . . . And she loved two little boys named Charles and David. And every day the boys would come and they would gather her leaves and make them into crowns and play king of the world. They would climb up her trunk and swing from her branches and eat apples. And they would play hide-the-money. And when...
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Funny story: Being a Newspaper Reporter Jumps from Being the Worst to the Next-to-Worst of 200 Jobs in America

Being a Newspaper Reporter Jumps from Being the Worst to the Next-to-Worst of 200 Jobs in America

It might be old moldy news, but being a newspaper reporter is the next-to-worst of 200 jobs in America, according to distinguished organizations which employ people who don't do much work and get paid handsomely for spin-doctoring public relations semantic weaponry disguised as "news". According to Poynter.org: Newspaper reporters can add CareerCast.com to the list of sources telling them to fl...
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Funny story: Whatever Happened to Punky Brewster?

Whatever Happened to Punky Brewster?

Hoff here. I had a hard time deciding whether I should even bother with a subject like Television. In such cases, I just sleep on it. That usually helps. So I slept through a one-hour cop show, and two sitcoms, and decided to throw this out there. Television used to be like the friend who'd stop in for a visit every night from 7 to 10 for a chat. Sometime we'd talk about the news and sports. He...
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Funny story: Fred Jakes' World War One poetry to be celebrated

Fred Jakes' World War One poetry to be celebrated

Perhaps the most famous of the poets of World War One, Fred Jakes, is to be celebrated in a special service in the Somme this weekend. Jakes died there just seconds after the 1918 ceasefire which signalled the end of the war, from a bullet wound he had sustained a few minutes earlier. Jakes was a serving private in the trenches of the Western Front, where he wrote many of his best poems. Many o...
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Funny story: Nicola Adams' Boyfriend in Hiding

Nicola Adams' Boyfriend in Hiding

In an exclusive interview with your intrepid Spoof sports correspondent, Paxton Quigley, at a secret refuge for battered men, Nicola Adams' partner William Anchor revealed the hell which has been his life since he began living with the Olympic and Commonwealth gold medal winning boxer and which finally persuaded him to leave for his safety. WA: "Nando's. Bloody Nando's chicken. That's all I eve...
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Funny story: Successful Arse Growing Tips With Benedict Cucumber - Patch

Successful Arse Growing Tips With Benedict Cucumber - Patch

Goodbye arsehole! Fat, wrinkled, old, or simply past its sell by date? Here are 10 tips to grow a replacement arse. 1) Buy good quality arse seeds or plants to avoid disappointment. 2. When you start your arse farm don't try and do it all at once. Put bin bags over a portion of the garden to kill off any weeds and just cultivate a portion of the land that you feel comfortable with at th...
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Funny story: Be My Virtual Saviour

Be My Virtual Saviour

A lot must be considered when picking the right religion to be on-line ordained into. Due diligence is key to finding the right path to enlightenment, and whilst it looks very easy for those tambourine-rattling, devil-dodgers on Songs of Praise and The Only Way Is Amish, a degree of actual commitment and clarity of mind is critical for spiritual success. My personal journey began on a Saturday m...
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Funny story: Book Review - How To Speak French: Learn French Phrases by Henri Lereau

Book Review - How To Speak French: Learn French Phrases by Henri Lereau

I have to say I am a little disappointed by this book. I spent 6 months studying the French language, going through this book meticulously, I read it chapter by chapter - probably 10 times. After 6 months my french was perfect - in fact I consider myself fluent in the language. It wasn't easy mind you; no - it was hard - but I thought it well worth the effort. Imagine then, to my horror, wh...
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Funny story: The Pestilential Carriers of the New World Order

The Pestilential Carriers of the New World Order

A Badminton Club's committee in Clapham South London is outraged at its possible political connections. Lately, against stern opposition from "myriad sources", said its chairman Alex Batwood, "we decided to form a new committee. After all, none of us knew who these people were. They just appeared out of nowhere." Set up earlier this year by The Young Group it seemingly had no idea of its paren...
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Funny story: SIMILAR2 - A Computer Program to Make you Famous

SIMILAR2 - A Computer Program to Make you Famous

A new computer program called "SIMILAR2" has been devised by a leading publishing agency in London. Arnold Galbraith, the inventor, and rumoured to be a 33rd Degree Freemason whose father was allegedly a Jesuit priest in charge of Vatican Publicity, told our "Nabbed" reporter: "We developed SIMILAR2 for our own writers. Basically, all writing is a matter of ideas, so we figured to help people...
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Funny story: Wendy's Redhead Lady to Anchor 24-hour-a-day Sharkfest Channel

Wendy's Redhead Lady to Anchor 24-hour-a-day Sharkfest Channel

LOS ANGELES - A new cable channel that only features the lives and day-in and day-out behavior of every species of shark will be anchored all day and night, every day, by the Wendy's Redhead Lady. "I just got sick and tired of saying 'Now that's better' at the end of every commercial. It gets really old after a while," the woman, who is known by no other name except for 'The Wendy's Redhead Lad...
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Funny story: 50 Amazing Facts

50 Amazing Facts

Here are 50 amazing facts for you to wow yourself and your friends with. But there's a twist! One of the facts is not true. See if you can spot which one. - The ostrich is the only animal which is allowed to drive in Australia. - Queen Elizabeth II has two anuses. - The largest city in Britain without an aquarium is Bath. - Henry Guillotine was killed by his own famous invention which bears...
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George Zimmerman On His Way To Ferguson to Help Darren Wilson

George Zimmerman, who got off on shooting Trayvon Martin in stand your ground Florida, has announced he is on his way to help Darren Wilson, the Missouri cop who shot Michael Brown.

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