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Funny story: Auntie Jean Advises A. Nellie Retentive, Pensioner From Scunthorpe

Auntie Jean Advises A. Nellie Retentive, Pensioner From Scunthorpe

Nellie Asks: Auntie, I have received my D.A.B. 3D digital radio from the internet which arrived on a low loader this morning. I would appreciate a little help with tuning it as the instructions are inadequately translated from Mandarin Chinese. It has what it describes as a 2.3 metre plasma screen. I had to cut a hole in my trailer park home to get it in. It keeps blowing the park substatio...
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Funny story: Auntie Jean Advises Les Brains From Barf Who Has To Decide On A Career

Auntie Jean Advises Les Brains From Barf Who Has To Decide On A Career

Les Brains Asks: Auntie Jean, I was dropped on my head by the midwife as a baby and consequently cannot make any decisions and have no moral fibre. I can't tell right from wrong , am dishonest and selfish and frequently accidentally wear my jacket inside out. I have an appointment with the Career Adviser at school tomorrow and would like to ask about a career. Which should I choose? Auntie Jea...
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Funny story: Isle Of Wight Factoids - 10 Things You Didn't Know

Isle Of Wight Factoids - 10 Things You Didn't Know

1) The Isle of Wight contains less prisoners per head of the population than Alcatraz or San Quentin. 2) Despite over one hundred movies about daring escapes from The Isle of Wight, only one person, Harry Houdiney is known to have successfully escaped and lived to tell the tale in 1955. 3) How big was the average b and b room in 1943? Each single room was 5 feet by 9 feet. Double rooms ha...
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Funny story: My Husband Is Not Having An Affair - Is This Normal?

My Husband Is Not Having An Affair - Is This Normal?

Auntie Jean I recently found evidence of what I think is fidelity on my husband's mobile phone. On scanning down the numbers and call logs, there were clearly no suspicious or unknown call records, texts or contact numbers. My friends at the sewing circle have advised me to take steps to try to end this intolerable situation amicably, but I want a good old fashioned fight to bring it all out in...
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Funny story: 10 Ways To Fool Your Neighbours

10 Ways To Fool Your Neighbours

1)Spray a place mat with matt black paint - abracadabra!! - its an expensive Ipad to walk out of your door with. 2)Make the people next door think you are having a glamorous "Hog Roast" garden party by getting a large road kill fox and roasting it over 4 portable barbecues. 3)Make people think you have a posh car by offering Porsche owners free parking in your drive while they go to work on...
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Funny story: Ten Differences Between Australian Life And British Life

Ten Differences Between Australian Life And British Life

New to Australia? Here's our survival guide for your "New life in the sun" : 1) Don't rush into the nearest bit of sea, a shark will kill you. 2) Don't valiantly remove a spider from your pretty neighbour's bath, it will sink its deadly fangs into you and you will have 20 minutes to get an antidote or or it will kill you. 3) Don't leave your baby in her pram while you sunbathe, Dingos (pois...
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Funny story: Successful Arse Growing Tips With Benedict Cucumber - Patch

Successful Arse Growing Tips With Benedict Cucumber - Patch

Goodbye arsehole! Fat, wrinkled, old, or simply past its sell by date? Here are 10 tips to grow a replacement arse. 1) Buy good quality arse seeds or plants to avoid disappointment. 2. When you start your arse farm don't try and do it all at once. Put bin bags over a portion of the garden to kill off any weeds and just cultivate a portion of the land that you feel comfortable with at th...
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Funny story: More Chilling Evidence For Global Warming Big Freeze Up

More Chilling Evidence For Global Warming Big Freeze Up

Global warming "heretics" have today announced that: THE AVERAGE TEMPERATURE HAS STOPPED RISING Since 1998 - more than a decade - the record, as determined by observations from satellites and balloon radiosondes, shows no discernible warming. Heretics who print or repeat these findings are to be burned at the stake on the next market day. The year 1998 was exceptionally warm because of a...
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Funny story: A Short History Of Yorkshire Croquet

A Short History Of Yorkshire Croquet

Yorkshire Savoury Croquet, popularised by John Prescott, is a game played on a large lawn. Equipment consists of long handled mallets, two sets of balls and some hoops pressed into the grass. It is quite hard to play when inebriated, but larger beer hoops are used in this instance. The croquet balls are made from a mixture of chopped, cooked bacon. small cheese cubes and mashed potato. Combine...
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Funny story: Guide To Enjoying Your Hen Night In Borth, Aberystwith

Guide To Enjoying Your Hen Night In Borth, Aberystwith

Remember to respectfully treat other tourists who may have just come to Borth to quietly enjoy tranquil views of the famous peat bog and see the site of the well publicised recent bog fires. Here are some dares to get the ball rolling: 1) REMOVE YOUR BRA WITHOUT TAKING YOUR TOP OFF 2) SING SANDRA DEE FROM GREASE 3) DRINK YOUR DRINK WITHOUT STOPPING 4) KISS EVERYONE IN THE GROUP 5) DAN...
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Funny story: A Brief Guide To The 1970s Mk 1 Stylophone

A Brief Guide To The 1970s Mk 1 Stylophone

The Stylophone was a small stylus-operated keyboard, sold mostly as an annoying children's toy. Invented in 1967, it entered production in 1968. It consisted of a tiny metal keyboard played by touching it with a live stylus - each note being connected to a voltage-controlled noise via a resistor - closing a circuit. The only other controls were a power switch and a vibrato control on the fron...
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Funny story: Auntie Jean Advises I.S. Wallow From Upper Thong Whether Or Not To Come In Out Of The Rain

Auntie Jean Advises I.S. Wallow From Upper Thong Whether Or Not To Come In Out Of The Rain

I. S. Wallow Asks: Dear Auntie Jean, I am sitting in my best clothes in wet mud in a torrential downpour in the garden. Normally despite being an otherwise intelligent human being, I ask my mother whether or not to come in out of the rain. My mother tells me I have no common sense. I have a horrific cough and what seems to be pneumonia. My mother is not speaking to me so will not tell me ei...
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Funny story: Giving Up Smoking With Lady Penelope And The Thunderbird Team

Giving Up Smoking With Lady Penelope And The Thunderbird Team

One time 60 a day cigarette holder wielding Lady Penelope has offered to help Spoof Readers quit smoking. "The entire Thunderbird team was getting through a total of 6000 cigarettes a day in the 1970s" explained Parker, Lady Penelope's bit of rough. "It was a little over the top on the smoking front. The thing was that everything was powered by fireworks - no C.G.I you see, and we all smok...
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Funny story: Auntie Jean Advises Ben O. Verbitch Regarding His Amazing Genitals

Auntie Jean Advises Ben O. Verbitch Regarding His Amazing Genitals

Ben O. Verbitch asks: Auntie Jean, After having won second prize in a hamper competition consisting of 100kg of radioactive canned spinach, I rubbed some of it on my testicles and now I have the wedding tackle of an elephant. Auntie Jean Advises : This is terrible. See a surgeon and then try to dump the radioactive spinach in several public litter bins. Failing that put it on your garden gnom...
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Funny story: So Easy Even a Man Can Do It - Parking Guide

So Easy Even a Man Can Do It - Parking Guide

Husbands - forget embarrassing parallel parking mess - ups, getting into trouble in the supermarket car park, scuffing your wife's expensive alloy wheels and banging the car door onto the next one while struggling to squeeze your beer gut out of the driver's door. Here's our confidence boosting parking advice: 1) Get touch up paint to keep in your "Man Bag". 2) Superglue giant cats whiskers...
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Funny story: Easter Sofas - The Ups and Downs

Easter Sofas - The Ups and Downs

Forget Jesus Christ and all religious distractions, forget family meals and get togethers, once again according to T.V. advertising it's time to buy expensive furniture. Here's our guide for everyone out there with no common sense: 1) Buy the largest sofa you can squeeze into your room. 2) Forget comfort and other considerations. 3) Buy Mail order if possible for a surprise factor. 4)...
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Funny story: Shopping Solutions for your special day

Shopping Solutions for your special day

For the budding or curious beginner transvestite, getting kitted out for that special "day out in a shopping mall" can be embarrassing, so here is our guide. 1) Midnight clothes borrowing. Make sure there are no wanted "weirdos" around apart from you. Put a black stocking on your head, get a long knife and go out in the dark with a bin bag to cut washing lines with, borrow clothes, put an i.o...
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Funny story: Auntie Jean Advises Dick Hertz Whose Friend's Foreskin is Zipped Into a Marquee Tent Zipper

Auntie Jean Advises Dick Hertz Whose Friend's Foreskin is Zipped Into a Marquee Tent Zipper

Dick Hertz asks: Auntie Jean, my friend is a flasher I'm afraid and we are at a wedding reception across the road from an Abbey. My friend was trying to flash some Benedictine Nuns, who ran after him with a meat cleaver. He zipped the heavy duty zipper up and managed to zip his foreskin right into the zipper. can you advise please? Auntie Jean Advises : Its probably you I think with the trappe...
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Funny story: Scottish Safari - We Hunt Lichen

Scottish Safari - We Hunt Lichen

Saturday: Set off from Euston Station bound for Anglesey. Arrived at 14.05 hrs to be greeted by Lichenologist Hans Nisan Bumpsadaisy. Hans relieves us of his £500 fee and goes to buy a crate of whisky. Alcoholic, Hans wasn't seen again until we found him drunk in the forest the following morning. Sunday: Hunted for Hans in the forest and found him singing and exposing himself to a group of Bene...
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Funny story: Pimp your fridge freezer for 10 quid

Pimp your fridge freezer for 10 quid

Shopping list: flourescent paint spray X2, Stanley or box cutter knife, blowtorch. Essentially its a matter of removing the silencing rubber feet from the compressor tank and taking off one of the four refrigerator feet to mske a resounding rattle with plenty of street cred. Spray the fridge freezer with any pattern of flourescent paint and carry out the other mods. Remove all seals from the f...
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Funny story: Make your teacher think she is glued to her chair by hypnosis

Make your teacher think she is glued to her chair by hypnosis

The technique is simply one of suggestion and will work spectacularly on the right subjects. First you must secretly test your subjects for susceptibility by making hidden suggestions in your everyday conversation with the teacher. An example being, "Miss Brown, here is my homework make me a fried egg sandwich I'm sorry the homework is late." If the subject obeys the hidden command, then immed...
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Funny story: Modding Mom's car to sound like a growling tiger

Modding Mom's car to sound like a growling tiger

To Mod your Mom's car to turn heads follow my three easy steps. While Mom is at the hairdressers: 1) Pimp the tailpipe with a Performance Exhaust: Have a muffler shop that knows what they're doing upgrade her exhaust system. The term for what you want is a "header-back" exhaust which will greatly increase the amount of noise the car makes and produce a deep, growling sound. 2) Take off her...
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Santa's Grotto now to include Customer Returns Line

Unwanted Presents can now be returned over a Lapland phone - line. Elves won't man phones as headsets incompatible with Ears.
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