Auntie Jean, On the T.V. programmes; "Hotel Inspector" and "How Clean is Your House", I have often seen the presenters, AIexi Poliizei and Aggie McKensit remove feral pubic hairs from beds, showers and baths etc. with tweezers and put them into plastic bags. The sound on my T.V. does not work, so I have long presumed that presenters such as AIexi Poliizei are collectors of pubic hairs. Co-...
QUESTION Recently my wife attended a hen party on the Isle of Wight. After several drinks she began a game with another woman on the pub snooker table. She claims to have had a break of 155. Is this possible?
Additionally she then went on to play darts and claims to have achieved a nine dart finish, whatever that was.
Mr. Nick Swarzkopf
ANSWER Hello Nick. Regarding the snooker, your wif...
Pope Stephen VI: had his predecessor Formosus,
exhumed, tried, de-fingered, and thrown to the river. and his death by strangling.
2 The Pope who sold the papacy.
Benedict IX was Pope from 1032 to 1044, again in 1045, and finally from 1047 to 1048, the only man to have served as Pope for three discontinuous periods, and one of the most controversial Popes of all time. Benedict gave up his...
Sexy chat farmers: Phone:
Who's a dirty farmer?
My Big end has gone on Massive Ferguson
Coupling muck spreaders
Your turn in the barrel
Putting it about
Draw bar dynamics
Jug sizes (metric)
Auntie, I have received my D.A.B. 3D digital radio from the internet which arrived on a low loader this morning. I would appreciate a little help with tuning it as the instructions are inadequately translated from Mandarin Chinese. It has what it describes as a 2.3 metre plasma screen.
I had to cut a hole in my trailer park home to get it in. It keeps blowing the park substatio...
Les Brains Asks:
Auntie Jean, I was dropped on my head by the midwife as a baby and consequently cannot make any decisions and have no moral fibre. I can't tell right from wrong , am dishonest and selfish and frequently accidentally wear my jacket inside out. I have an appointment with the Career Adviser at school tomorrow and would like to ask about a career. Which should I choose?
1) The Isle of Wight contains less prisoners per head of the population than Alcatraz or San Quentin.
2) Despite over one hundred movies about daring escapes from The Isle of Wight, only one person, Harry Houdiney is known to have successfully escaped and lived to tell the tale in 1955.
3) How big was the average b and b room in 1943?
Each single room was 5 feet by 9 feet. Double rooms ha...
I recently found evidence of what I think is fidelity on my husband's mobile phone. On scanning down the numbers and call logs, there were clearly no suspicious or unknown call records, texts or contact numbers. My friends at the sewing circle have advised me to take steps to try to end this intolerable situation amicably, but I want a good old fashioned fight to bring it all out in...
1)Spray a place mat with matt black paint - abracadabra!! - its an expensive Ipad to walk out of your door with.
2)Make the people next door think you are having a glamorous "Hog Roast" garden party by getting a large road kill fox and roasting it over 4 portable barbecues.
3)Make people think you have a posh car by offering Porsche owners free parking in your drive while they go to work on...
New to Australia? Here's our survival guide for your "New life in the sun" :
1) Don't rush into the nearest bit of sea, a shark will kill you.
2) Don't valiantly remove a spider from your pretty neighbour's bath, it will sink its deadly fangs into you and you will have 20 minutes to get an antidote or or it will kill you.
3) Don't leave your baby in her pram while you sunbathe, Dingos (pois...
Fat, wrinkled, old, or simply past its sell by date? Here are 10 tips to grow a replacement arse.
1) Buy good quality arse seeds or plants to avoid disappointment.
2. When you start your arse farm don't try and do it all at once. Put bin bags over a portion of the garden to kill off any weeds and just cultivate a portion of the land that you feel comfortable with at th...
Global warming "heretics" have today announced that:
THE AVERAGE TEMPERATURE HAS STOPPED RISING Since 1998 - more than a decade - the record, as determined by observations from satellites and balloon radiosondes, shows no discernible warming.
Heretics who print or repeat these findings are to be burned at the stake on the next market day.
The year 1998 was exceptionally warm because of a...
Yorkshire Savoury Croquet, popularised by John Prescott, is a game played on a large lawn. Equipment consists of long handled mallets, two sets of balls and some hoops pressed into the grass. It is quite hard to play when inebriated, but larger beer hoops are used in this instance. The croquet balls are made from a mixture of chopped, cooked bacon. small cheese cubes and mashed potato.
Remember to respectfully treat other tourists who may have just come to Borth to quietly enjoy tranquil views of the famous peat bog and see the site of the well publicised recent bog fires.
Here are some dares to get the ball rolling:
1) REMOVE YOUR BRA WITHOUT TAKING YOUR TOP OFF
2) SING SANDRA DEE FROM GREASE
3) DRINK YOUR DRINK WITHOUT STOPPING
4) KISS EVERYONE IN THE GROUP
The Stylophone was a small stylus-operated keyboard, sold mostly as an annoying children's toy. Invented in 1967, it entered production in 1968. It consisted of a tiny metal keyboard played by touching it with a live stylus - each note being connected to a voltage-controlled noise via a resistor - closing a circuit.
The only other controls were a power switch and a vibrato control on the fron...
I. S. Wallow Asks:
Dear Auntie Jean, I am sitting in my best clothes in wet mud in a torrential downpour in the garden. Normally despite being an otherwise intelligent human being, I ask my mother whether or not to come in out of the rain.
My mother tells me I have no common sense. I have a horrific cough and what seems to be pneumonia. My mother is not speaking to me so will not tell me ei...
One time 60 a day cigarette holder wielding Lady Penelope has offered to help Spoof Readers quit smoking. "The entire Thunderbird team was getting through a total of 6000 cigarettes a day in the 1970s" explained Parker, Lady Penelope's bit of rough.
"It was a little over the top on the smoking front. The thing was that everything was powered by fireworks - no C.G.I you see, and we all smok...
Ben O. Verbitch asks: Auntie Jean, After having won second prize in a hamper competition consisting of 100kg of radioactive canned spinach, I rubbed some of it on my testicles and now I have the wedding tackle of an elephant.
Auntie Jean Advises : This is terrible. See a surgeon and then try to dump the radioactive spinach in several public litter bins. Failing that put it on your garden gnom...
Husbands - forget embarrassing parallel parking mess - ups, getting into trouble in the supermarket car park, scuffing your wife's expensive alloy wheels and banging the car door onto the next one while struggling to squeeze your beer gut out of the driver's door. Here's our confidence boosting parking advice:
1) Get touch up paint to keep in your "Man Bag".
2) Superglue giant cats whiskers...
Forget Jesus Christ and all religious distractions, forget family meals and get togethers, once again according to T.V. advertising it's time to buy expensive furniture. Here's our guide for everyone out there with no common sense:
1) Buy the largest sofa you can squeeze into your room.
2) Forget comfort and other considerations.
3) Buy Mail order if possible for a surprise factor.
Dick Hertz asks: Auntie Jean, my friend is a flasher I'm afraid and we are at a wedding reception across the road from an Abbey. My friend was trying to flash some Benedictine Nuns, who ran after him with a meat cleaver. He zipped the heavy duty zipper up and managed to zip his foreskin right into the zipper. can you advise please?
Auntie Jean Advises : Its probably you I think with the trappe...
Saturday: Set off from Euston Station bound for Anglesey. Arrived at 14.05 hrs to be greeted by Lichenologist Hans Nisan Bumpsadaisy. Hans relieves us of his £500 fee and goes to buy a crate of whisky. Alcoholic, Hans wasn't seen again until we found him drunk in the forest the following morning.
Sunday: Hunted for Hans in the forest and found him singing and exposing himself to a group of Bene...