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Showing articles written by joseph k winter.


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Funny story: Pepe Warezabar interviews Rabead al Sham Sham at Hotel Jarabulus

Pepe Warezabar interviews Rabead al Sham Sham at Hotel Jarabulus

Back, yes, Pepe Warezabar here, and I'm back. What do they call it--a sequester? Studying my navel and sacred texts and other matters? Now I'm bartender at Hotel Jarabulus just below the border with Turkey. It's been two years since Kobani and my last work in Erdogan's tent (for which I received The Guard Dog's undercover-story-of-the-week award, by the way). At this very moment I'm at th...
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Funny story: Hillary addresses world domination convention in Las Vegas

Hillary addresses world domination convention in Las Vegas

Ms. Hillary Rodham Clinton (aka HRC) addressed the annual WDC yesterday, blue eyes flashing. Her candidacy is just about wrapped up, she stated, in the sense of publicly announcing what everyone already knows. She will be running for president through 2024 and beyond if possible. If FDR could run more than twice, why not HRC? This line brought sustained, loud applause, and shouts of...
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Funny story: At the Kobani border with Erdogan and Clarence Willnotlie standing by

At the Kobani border with Erdogan and Clarence Willnotlie standing by

So! Back then I went out the comfort room window of that club in Mosul, moving on, as we like to say, and I thank all of you who tweeted me at that time on what to do! Of course I ended up where the action is across from Kobani, then was snatched by the Turks into Erdogan's tent. Yes, in case you're still wondering, this is Pepe Warezabar aka "Clarence Willnotlie." I know, I know. I have...
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Funny story: Prime Minister steps on tongue, silence follows

Prime Minister steps on tongue, silence follows

The Prime Minister addressed reporters, cameras flashed, the room listened seriously. With rockets raining down the Iron Dome Missile Defense System is nearly perfect in dealing with the problem. Thanks to this System very few rockets are getting through. They are not a serious threat. A pause, also known as a pregnant moment, occurred. Silence in the news room. Eyes looked...
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Funny story: ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi makes shocking confession in rogue Mosul nightclub The Burqa al-Ablah

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi makes shocking confession in rogue Mosul nightclub The Burqa al-Ablah

No sooner was I back in Baghdad from the journey to Mosul with Hillary than I got this strange call on my cell. I was at my favorite cheap digs, the Hotel Alzubra, ready to move back towards Syria, but it was Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi saying I should return north to Mosul. "If this is Warezabar," the voice said, "I have something. Urgent." "This is Pepe Warezabar." "Yes?" His English is...
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Funny story: Hillary Clinton at Club Ali Baba and His Forty Daughters for meeting with ISIS in Iraq

Hillary Clinton at Club Ali Baba and His Forty Daughters for meeting with ISIS in Iraq

Pepe Warezabar here, just returned to Baghdad, and speaking into my laptop after rendezvous in Mosul with Hillary and the leader of ISIS. On the way there, yes, it was the orange Honda with plenty of dust, thank the bejeezus, me with pedal to the metal and Hillary in black burqa and wraparounds. Was she nervous? Who wasn't. Look, those claw marks on my right forearm could have come from anyw...
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Funny story: Global warming and the Krauthammer blues in Club #Rigor Mortis

Global warming and the Krauthammer blues in Club #Rigor Mortis

I ran into Charles Krauthammer at Club #Rigor Mortis not long after he appeared as a FOX News All Star with George Will debunking everything climate change. He was hunkered down at one end of a long shining bar with a small glass of something pink. Back of the bar a mammoth screen flickered various images. Waves lashed beaches, palm trees bent sideways severely, were plucked violently out o...
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Funny story: "Trust us!" with forefinger held high and a whole lot of churning going on

"Trust us!" with forefinger held high and a whole lot of churning going on

It is an absolute rule of administrations throughout the universe that "Trust us!" and the raised forefinger indicate a whole lot of churning going on inside the political brain. Trust me, on this, your roving reporter Pepe Warezabar trotting the globe into its nefarious and terrible hotspots. Once again I landed amidst a bubbling soup of world politics, this time in London at Club Divisad...
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Funny story: Credibility Blues on the Long Guns for Syria

Credibility Blues on the Long Guns for Syria

Anonymous inside sources to The White House have indicated "the credibility blues" for a strike on Syria have President Obama in a difficult pickle at this time. A long, thoughtful walk on White House grounds last Friday evening, accompanied by advisors, was reported highly fruitful, leading to new ideas for the strike on Syria. This conferencing occurred right before Mr. Obama's decision to s...
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Funny story: Hearing on the hearing near riot and disorder over Manning

Hearing on the hearing near riot and disorder over Manning

The courtroom was a siege of noise with a lot of rumbling and shouting, plus a continuing rap rap rap of the judge's gavel. "This hearing on the hearing will come to order! This court is now in session to review what's happening next door in the sentencing of Bradley Manning." Rumbling, grumbling, groaning accompanied the Honorable Augusto Beefsworthy as he rose, swaying on his feet, finger...
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Funny story: US utilizes "pot calling the kettle black" SOP

US utilizes "pot calling the kettle black" SOP

Here in beautiful Caribbean Sea waters south of Cuba, black waves and porpoises, a fine sunny afternoon with Venezuela somewhere ahead, I'm leaning back in the pristine white salon of The Fulminator, a private 60 foot cruiser owned by CEO Meredith Merryfeather. Meredith (aka M 'n M) is offering me rum and coke and sitting across from me, doesn't mind my laptop on which I'm taking notes, and oft...
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Funny story: Big Mother's letter to Russia on Big Brother here and there

Big Mother's letter to Russia on Big Brother here and there

Dear Mr. Putin and everyone involved in The Airport Case. Greetings to you very kindly, and thank you for your time. I am Big Mother, writing to you on behalf of my sons, Big Brothers here and everywhere around the globe. First off, please understand that in America the government never takes any actions that will harm other people, especially its own citizens. And of course it will...
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Funny story: Vlad and Barrie mano a mano

Vlad and Barrie mano a mano

I know this is very hard to believe, and I'm expecting tweets on it as to my credibility, but I will trust in the evidence. I had just departed from Mr. Putin (or Vlad as I got to calling him), and was exiting Club Formulation. By then evening was starting, bar stools jamming somewhat with people sideways and hands raised over the bars for drinks, girls at the poles, you know the scene. Rig...
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Funny story: Pepe and Vladimir at Club Formulation: a frank discussion

Pepe and Vladimir at Club Formulation: a frank discussion

Pepe Warezabar here once again at Sheremetyeov Airport and beyond, that old Beatles song in my head: I'm back in the USSR! You don't know how lucky you are, boy. Back in the USSR! Of course I mean I'm back in today's Russia and newfound bastion for liberty lovers who must flee their governments! I couldn't find Mr. Snowden at the airport, however. Nowhere to be seen, so I hotfooted downtown...
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Funny story: 'You've got me under your thumb, so deep in the heart you're really a part of me . . . '

'You've got me under your thumb, so deep in the heart you're really a part of me . . . '

The Guard Dog is pleased to announce an exclusive report connected to the four South American Presidents currently in the spotlight regarding the Edward Snowden affair. These Presidents are Nicolas Maduro of Venezuela, Daniel Ortega of Nicaragua, Evo Morales of Bolivia, and Rafael Correa of Ecuador. In review, Edward Snowden, ex-employee of Booz Allen Hamilton who blew the whistle on massiv...
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Funny story: Pepe and Hillary's One Year Re-Union at Club Lewinsky

Pepe and Hillary's One Year Re-Union at Club Lewinsky

It is obvious to myself, Pepe Warezabar, your roving reporter for The Guard Dog, that Hillary Clinton is alive to every nuance, every whisper of significance occurring in the known cosmos. So it was not surprising to me when we met for our one year re-union at her husband's favorite night club, The Lewinksy, that she would enquire about my health. The club was very noisy at this point with...
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Funny story: NSA Leaks Causing Jihadi Types to Back Off Using Visa Cards and Skype

NSA Leaks Causing Jihadi Types to Back Off Using Visa Cards and Skype

Unnamed, worried officials in Washington are saying recent leaks on NSA global surveillance are making it easier for militants and evildoers to avoid detection. In the three weeks since the disclosures, according to CNN reporters intelligence specialists have already noticed the enemy is changing communication tactics. More Washington disclosures have been sneaked out, showing how governme...
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Funny story: Aiding and Abetting at Sheremetyevo Airport Part 2

Aiding and Abetting at Sheremetyevo Airport Part 2

Hello again, Pepe Warezabar for The Guard Dog covering the action at Sheremetyevo Airport. First, I want to thank all the tweets recommending the GGSR program (the Glenn Greenwald Spine-Building for Reporters program). I have acquired it and am already into it. But let's get up to date on high drama at this airport just this afternoon as we reporters swirled around in here and seemed to be...
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Funny story: Aiding and Abetting at Sheremetyevo Airport

Aiding and Abetting at Sheremetyevo Airport

Greetings, everybody. This is Pepe Warezabar at Sheremetyevo Airport, reporting for The Guard Dog. I just hot-footed it here (from Syria) to join colleagues looking for Edward Snowden. We have been up and down airport corridors we don't particularly recommend. Nor the sandwiches. Even the bars are dull. They keep playing this horrible computer music for "Here Comes the Sun." Plus no relief...
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Funny story: Billy "Bombs Away" Clinton Defends "Wuss" at The Lewinsky

Billy "Bombs Away" Clinton Defends "Wuss" at The Lewinsky

Due to controversy over applying the word "wuss" to President Barack Obama, Bill Clinton has felt compelled to clarify his vocabulary, using one of his favorite venues, a nightclub titled "The Lewinsky," located near the White House. Last night at a prime hour in Club Lewinsky's revels, the pole dancers there working for the Rolita Shylee Pole Dance Ensemble stood aside so that the former Presi...
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Funny story: Pepe Warezabar Interviews Jabhat al-Nusra

Pepe Warezabar Interviews Jabhat al-Nusra

Deep in a very dry place, underneath a rock, lizards scuttling, our man Pepe Warezabar caught up with a member of one of the rebel factions in Syria, who insisted on remaining anonymous. Pepe began philosophically. "So, then, how strange it must be that the Americans are now coming to your aid against Assad!" "Not strange! Not strange! They do say, 'Politics makes strange bedfellows.' Bu...
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Funny story: NSA and UK Officials Explain

NSA and UK Officials Explain

No recording device allowed so we at The Guard Dog sent one of our top reporters to Downing Street with photographic memory for all details. Several gentlemen stood by, some with tiny American flags as cuff links. "So, then, Mr. Prime Minister, you and the Americans decided to spy on your guests at the 09 G-20 meetings in London--" "No, no, no. We wouldn't call it 'spy on.' No, no, no. We we...
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