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Funny story: Looking back on Dorking's 2012

Looking back on Dorking's 2012

Well, what a year it's been. Anyone who lives in Dorking will certainly remember 2012 as a glorious but also tragic year. January brought snowstorms and blizzards, and the closure of Dorking old folk's home led to hordes of elderly "Eskimos" wandering around the town blocking road junctions. Who can forget the igloo on top of the town hall? Nobody knows where they caught that whale, but its blu...
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Funny story: 2012 Bad Sex Award Winners Announced

2012 Bad Sex Award Winners Announced

The 2012 Bad Sex Awards have been held in Margate. The awards honour the very worst attempts at eroticism in literature. The winners must have produced truly toe-curling passages of lust - and not in a good way. In third place was a Japanese novel by Fukushita Kanishagi translated into English, called "Mr Roboto's Sexy Fun Time". It is a futuristic love story about a toilet cleaning robot who f...
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Funny story: Secret files reveals WW2 plans to invade Hitler

Secret files reveals WW2 plans to invade Hitler

An exclusive Channel 7 documentary will this week reveal amazing secret plans from World War Two. During the conflict, Britain drew up a strategy for the invasion of Adolf Hitler, which unfortunately never came to fruition. Churchill was a firm advocate of the plans, which he believed would provide a suitable revenge for the devastation of Europe wrought by the evil German dictator. However, US...
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Funny story: Fly Fishing with Bill and Kenneth

Fly Fishing with Bill and Kenneth

Bill: Hello there, and welcome to Fly Fishing. My name's Bill Palmer. Kenneth: And I'm Kenneth Purves. B: We're here at Dorking Reservoir again, but this time we're not birdwatching. We're standing here in our thigh-highs, grasping our rods firmly with our tackle dangling in the water. Hopefully we'll get a nibble from some passing trout, or even something more exotic. K: Yes, that's righ...
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Funny story: Lederhosen of the Third Reich

Lederhosen of the Third Reich

(Soon to be a Channel 7 documentary). We continue our series to find the most evil trousers that ever existed. It is uncommon to find an item of clothing which can truly be labelled evil. Throughout history only a handful of such garments have existed - Chairman Mao's dungarees, Stalin's waders, Shakin' Steven's jeans. To that list we must surely add : The Lederhosen Of The Third Reich. Adolf...
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Funny story: The Somewhat Violent Adventures of Sherlock Hunt: On The Trail of Jack The Kipper

The Somewhat Violent Adventures of Sherlock Hunt: On The Trail of Jack The Kipper

Some months had passed since I had heard from Sherlock Hunt. He had been on one of his frequent travels abroad, trying to locate a mythical beast. Meanwhile, London was living in fear. A new killer had appeared in the streets of the East End by the name of Jack the Kipper. Stories of his gruesome murders filled the tabloids, including graphic descriptions of how he would disembowel his victims.
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Funny story: TheSpoof launches online dating service

TheSpoof launches online dating service

TheSpoof satirical magazine realises that most of its readership (not to mention its writers) are sad, lonely people in need of some company. So today TheSpoof launches its official online dating section, which will allow members to get in touch with each other through anonymous internet adverts. A selection of adverts are published below. Please reply to dating@thespoof.com if you are interest...
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Funny story: Phileas Fogg: Around The World in Eighty Turds

Phileas Fogg: Around The World in Eighty Turds

Phileas Fogg was relaxing at the bar in his local gentleman's club with a glass of brandy and a copy of the Times. "Hello Fogg," said Lord Cockwrench. "Have you just laid a honking great brown egg in the lavatory?" "I dare say I have," replied Fogg sadly. "I do beg your pardon, but poor Mr Crapper's hand-flush toilet was not up to the job. I had to leave my excretia for the butler." "Aha...
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Funny story: The Somewhat Violent Adventures of Sherlock Hunt: The Case of the Missing Apple

The Somewhat Violent Adventures of Sherlock Hunt: The Case of the Missing Apple

It was a quiet Thursday morning and we were browsing the newspapers in Hunt's Baker Street apartment. There was troubling news - riots had broken out at a factory in London. Sherlock had a personal interest in the matter, for it had happened at Jenkins' Opium Refinement Plant, the factory that provided his private supply of opium. "Bastards! The greedy bastards!" he raged. "Did you read this,...
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Funny story: The Somewhat Violent Adventures of Sherlock Hunt: An Oriental Adventure

The Somewhat Violent Adventures of Sherlock Hunt: An Oriental Adventure

I had been in the employ of the esteemed Mr Sherlock Hunt for some weeks now, and had become accustomed to his violent moods. However, I had also caught flashes of his genius, and was determined to remain his protege in order to learn as much as possible from the great man. It was a Tuesday morning in late 1884, and I arrived at Baker Street to find a great hullabaloo. A local tradesman had del...
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Funny story: An Independent Scotland?

An Independent Scotland?

The year is 2016. Scotland's ruling Chancellor, the newly moustachio'ed Alex Salmond is holding a massive rally in central Dundee. Thousands of jack-booted and kilted Scottish troops are goose-stepping through the square, saluting their glorious leader beneath enormous saltire flags. There are few English people in the crowd, but outside they can be easily spotted from the St George's cross the...
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Funny story: The Legendary Voyages of Christopher Columbus, From His Personal Diary

The Legendary Voyages of Christopher Columbus, From His Personal Diary

4th August 1492 Awoke this morning with a splitting headache. Our fleet of three ships are heading westward and there is nothing I can do to stop them. Last night, my shipmates and I were partaking of a good many German lagers in the local tavern in Spain. My second captain Martin Pinzon told me that there was a dish which went by the name of "chicken vindaloo". He described it to us, and our...
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Funny story: Sex and the Common Agricultural Policy

Sex and the Common Agricultural Policy

The EU's Common Agricultural Policy (CAP) has long been one of the more controversial parts of European legislation. A number of Dorking residents tell how it has affected their lives. Sid Subby is a local farmer. "I'm 53 now," he says, "and this here farm has been in our family for generations. When I were a lad we used to grow lots of peas. Peas as big as your head. You couldn't even eat t...
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Funny story: A Beginner's Guide to German

A Beginner's Guide to German

German is an language spoken by over 80 million people. There have been many great people throughout history who have spoken it. Learning German can allow you to understand anyone from Wankel to Seimens, from Kahn to Kant. From Bach to the Fuhrer. It is an elegant but guttural language, which is intended to be shouted angrily in a shrill voice. One important thing to remember is that all...
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Funny story: The Somewhat Violent Adventures of Sherlock Hunt: Murder at Black Dog Manor

The Somewhat Violent Adventures of Sherlock Hunt: Murder at Black Dog Manor

It was to my utter delight that I learned I was to become assistant to the great Sherlock Hunt, master detective. I had heard such stories about the man that I dared not believe I would have a chance to actually work with him. Nevertheless it was to be my employ, and on the day it began I hastened to Baker Street with a spring in my step and joy in my heart. "Good morning Mr Hunt," I ejaculated...
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Funny story: Birdwatching with Bill and Kenneth

Birdwatching with Bill and Kenneth

Bill: Hello there, and welcome to Birdwatching. My name's Bill Palmer. Kenneth: And I'm Kenneth Purves. B: We're here at Dorking Reservoir, it's a real top place for birdwatching and having a lark. We've got our little hide, Ken's got his thermos of coffee so we're all ready for a good night's twitching. K: I'm hoping we'll see lots of birds tonight. B: Well, Ken, this here reservoir u...
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Funny story: Tales from the journal of seminal explorer Dr David Livingstone

Tales from the journal of seminal explorer Dr David Livingstone

Feb 23 1853 After a great journey through the jungle, we finally laid eyes on the most splendid water-fall I have ever seen. It stands over 100 yards high, and I have named it after our glorious Queen. We took a brisk lunch of crumpet and tinned marmalade, after which I ascended the great watery cliff face. How joyous it was to observe the view from such a height, and to feel the breeze from so...
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Funny story: Tougal McDougal: The Horrors of Poverty

Tougal McDougal: The Horrors of Poverty

Helloo, this is the Reverend Tougal McDougal of the Prophylactic Church of Scotland in Kirkintilloch. I'd like to talk to you today about poverty. Poverty can be a terrible blight on a community. Recently in Kirkintilloch we've had a problem with tramps. They come over to the kirk, dressed in rags, drunk aff their tits, sleeping in the grounds. It's quite hard to tell them apart from the local...
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Funny story: Tougal McDougal: The Myth of the Frugal Scot

Tougal McDougal: The Myth of the Frugal Scot

Helloo. My name is Reverend Tougal McDougal, and I'm the resident vicar here at the Scottish Presbian Church of Kirkintilloch. I am often asked, why are Scots so cheap? Why are we so sparing with oor money? I'm asked this at least a dozen times each service. People come to me and say, "Tougal! Can ye spare us a penny for an eighth of an ounce of porridge oats? Can ye lend us a boab for a bucket...
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Funny story: Great Battleships of World War II

Great Battleships of World War II

The golden age of the battleship was undoubtedly World War II. Although first used in the 1800s, initial models were pulled by dolphins, who quickly tired. Thankfully the invention of the steam engine soon led to vastly increased power and size of the ships. By the time WW2 arrived, these iron titans of the sea were ready to cock-slap each other out of the water with great vigour, ultimately decid...
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Funny story: The naked German economic miracle

The naked German economic miracle

Germans love to be naked. They also have an economy which has largely weathered the financial crisis well. In one town in Upper Lower Saxon Bavaria, Nakenstadt, both of these elements come together to provide a uniquely Teutonic way of life. In Nakenstadt, everyone is naked all the time. It is the law. From the joggers in the local park to the belt-sanders working in the factories, there is bar...
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Funny story: The US town with the most weapons

The US town with the most weapons

The town of Bullitt, Arizona has the dubious position of being the place with more weapons per person than anywhere else in the USA. The USA is itself the country with the most heavily armed citizenry in the world. So what is everyday life like in Bullitt? TheSpoof investigated. The first thing you notice upon arriving in the town is that the roads are very wide, as most people drive around in...
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Breaking News...

Emperor Finally Issues A "Secure Borders" Edict

Barack I degreed today all borders of the US Empire shall be sealed to prevent entry of the "undesirable alien" Bibi Netanyahu. Chief of Secret Storm Troopers, Eric Holder, will personally enforce it.
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