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Funny story: Fragments of Lost SSHite Gospel discovered in Coal Hole cuspidoor

Fragments of Lost SSHite Gospel discovered in Coal Hole cuspidoor

LONDON (ABSNN) - News of the discovery of ancient biblical texts was released today by unknown, and unnamed archeologists digging through a spittoon at a local London public house, the Coal Hole. "Nothing this special was ever found in the spitter before," said the bar swamper. Martin Shuttlecck. "I did find a gold dental bridge that one time tho." "Nothing is really known about the SSHites...
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Funny story: My life as a man #37

My life as a man #37

Another day, another opportunity to fall on my ass! A gal I've known since grade school called me this afternoon to ask if I'd like to get together for lunch tomorrow, to talk about the old days.... OK, before I begin, if you've not read any of my other stories, you may be unaware that no woman I have ever known EVER calls me to ask me to go to lunch, to talk about old times with her, or any...
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Funny story: My life as a man #36

My life as a man #36

Don we now our gay apparel There is a guy with whom I work who just recently "came out of the closet" and admitted that he was gay. Shit, I knew that, or suspected as much, when I met him; but it makes no difference to me any damned way. I suspected he was gay because he was never seen with any woman-anywhere-at any time; and women were forever throwing themselves at him without any effect a...
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Funny story: My life as a man #35

My life as a man #35

Why what matters no longer matters! I don't know about you readers, but for me at least, there is far too much written in the print media, and way the hell too much on TV, about "celebrity news." Celebrity News is an oxymoronic concept in every way! There is nothing at all new about the shit celebrities get their wonky asses involved in--not a goddamned thing. Sure we all like a good, bloo...
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Funny story: My Life as a Man #34

My Life as a Man #34

When having an 8 1/2" pecker is a bad thing! It is 3:37 in the morning and I cannot get to sleep. I'm going to the Veterans Hospital this morning to have a cystoscopy done to find out where, exactly, the "abnormal" cells are coming from that they found in my urine. I had bladder cancer way back in 1991 and went through surgery to remove the tumors, then came radiation and chemotherapy. I was...
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Funny story: My life as a man #33

My life as a man #33

The end of men is near Listen up, men: the last US election proved very clearly that women aren't going to put up with any more bullshit from men. Not only are there more women than men voting nowadays; but more women are voting for what they want than for what we men want them to want. I know I had a point to make, and that I have muddled it up, but you guys know what I mean already, w...
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Funny story: My Life as a Man #32

My Life as a Man #32

Another opportunity for happiness missed because I am so stupid and clueless With the possible exception of Karl Rove, I must be the stupidest, most clueless man in the United States. Belay that, mates, I am the stupidest, most clueless man on the Planet Earth! Yesterday, being Thanksgiving, I had the day off from work, and after feasting on more calories than the average Sudanese child con...
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Funny story: My life as a man #31

My life as a man #31

God damn you merry gentlemen! What I've learned in my 61 years is that if you spend too much time in the past, you get trapped there, especially if the past is all you have to get you through the day. I am as much a historian as anything I may be. But the past is the past. And while I admire those who plan well for their futures, I am also smart enough to know that a significant number of th...
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Funny story: My life as a man #30

My life as a man #30

It's all about having fun until somebody loses an eye! I wrote a few days back that I'd lived through every Presidential election since Dwight Eisenhower's in 1951. Granted, I was not aware of anything more than my momma's nipple and my shitty diapers for that first election; but by the time Ike's successor John F. Kennedy ran in 1959, I'd heard all about Republicans and Democrats. My dad was...
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Funny story: The Official Texas State Secession Committee Interview

The Official Texas State Secession Committee Interview

Writer's note: My father, a lifelong Virginia patriot, told me: "The only good thing that ever came out of Texas was an empty Greyhound Bus." I thought he was being overly critical of Texas back then, but my opinion changed during the course of this interview. AUSTIN, Texas (ABSNN) - Texan John Rogers is on his way to his office on a street just a block from the Texas State House. Every doo...
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Funny story: My life as a man #29

My life as a man #29

Castor oil, Fox News, MSNBC, and nekkid chicks on air! When I was a young kid, I knew better than to tell my Dad that I had a belly-ache. I knew better because I knew what my Dad would do if I told him my gut hurt. He was an old school mountain farmer: he used plant extracts he called "Lightning Hot drops," or, if he was a bit hung over, he used the all-time, get-even-with-your-children, gut-...
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Funny story: My life as a man #28

My life as a man #28

Penis Envy I entered an adult book store yesterday, by mistake, purely by mistake. But since I was already there I decided to take a look at the sex aids displayed in the counter that ran along the whole wall. It is my impression that these sex shops have taken marketing tips from the gun shops that, almost always, are located just across the street or even just next door. So far as I ca...
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Funny story: My life as a man #27

My life as a man #27

Sibling rivalry and bird shit If you are anything at all like me (thank God if you're not!), there are days when you just know something is going to fall out of the sky and it is going to land on you, personally, out of all the billions of people on the planet. Yesterday, I spent the entire day in a building devoted to keeping records that only people like me have any interest or reason to...
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Funny story: My life as a man #26

My life as a man #26

Canadian girls ain't at all easy! I've told you readers that when I was a kid growing up in the South, we often sat on the side of the main road through town and sold apple cider, apple brandy, and boiled peanuts to the tourists travelling through West Virginia in route to Florida. Making note of the license plates on the tourist cars was always a fun way to pass the time. Of all the nort...
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Funny story: My life as a man #25

My life as a man #25

As a rule, I'm a fan of larger women, although I'm not a big fan (pun) of the term "Big Beautiful Women." And, from what I can tell, most curvy women don't particularly care to be desired for their size, at least not anytime I've told one of them, "I love big women!" We're talking buzz-kill, love-kill here, and maybe, man-kill as well. A gal at work I'd been chatting up asked me why I was so...
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Funny story: My life as a man #24

My life as a man #24

All is the way it should be! In the heart of every West Virginian is a storyteller. Our most famous spinner of yarns was the incomparable Pearl S. Buck. And while I'm no Pearl Buck; I do spin yarns. In my heart, dear readers, lives a poet. Unfortunately for you folks, that verser is a failed poet. My haiku is astoundingly bad. My free verse should be chained and hidden in a forgotten...
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Funny story: My life as a man #23

My life as a man #23

A tribute to the best friend I ever had For a man who has a generally disagreeable disposition, I manage to retain a goodly number of close friends. Admittedly, not many of those friends are women (as you are already aware of if you follow this series at all), yet enough are women that I know I'm not a total loser with women although I have done my damnedest, most of the time. Though, as...
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Funny story: My life as a man #22

My life as a man #22

Keeping up with the English Jones' My neighbor, Gerry, the British guy who came here 23-years-ago, has a beautiful wife, a very nice home (that he keeps up like a palace), three wonderful adult children, and seven grandchildren. His two grown sons and his one adult daughter were all born in a coal-heated flat in the "South of London," wherever the hell that is. His two eldest grandchildren, a...
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Funny story: My life as a man #21

My life as a man #21

The running of the shrews Every Wednesday the newspaper prints the local supermarket insert with all the coupons and "two-fers." If you are a man and you need groceries, don't go to the market on Wednesday. You will surely suffer a misadventure; you might even die! I know that in this economy people are looking for ways to save a nickel. Coupon clipping adds a few pennies to the weekly fo...
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Funny story: My life as a man #20

My life as a man #20

Today is the worst day of the rest of my life. Yes, I know, it is supposed to be the first day of the rest of my life-at least according to the aficionados of fortune cookie philosophy. But not for me; I know I hit my romantic peak years ago. It's been all downhill since then. You see, I let the BIG ONE go. She was exceptionally beautiful and unique. I knew her to be my singular chan...
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Funny story: My life as a man #19

My life as a man #19

Four more years of political Dipshittery In the forty-three years I've been eligible to vote in presidential elections, I've worked as a volunteer in seven presidential campaigns. In that same period I've worked for over two score candidates for local and state elected posts. In the past, I was an enthusiastic member of my party. I paid my dues. I felt my voice mattered and my vote counted.
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Funny story: My life as a man #18

My life as a man #18

Love/Hate relationships I have mixed feelings about my feathered "friends." On the one hand, I spend over a thousand dollars a year on feeding, housing, and bathing songbirds, hummers, owls, hawks, waders, and, yes, vultures too. I love watching birds throughout the year. Not only has my knowledge grown to the point where I can identify them by breed, but truly, I know some of them, indi...
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Breaking News...

Wi-Fi signal named "Al-Qaeda Free Terror Network" Results In Long Delay For Passengers At Los Angeles Airport

'Our networks are usually named as variations on: 'Moms apple pie - God Bless America,' confirmed an Al-Qaeda spokesman. 'Otherwise it would be a bit f***ing obvious.'
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