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Funny story: Endangered Engagements

Endangered Engagements

Donald Trump. For legal purposes we have to point out, again, that this man is the current President of the United States. Mr Trump has decreed that 25 of the most endangered species in the world no longer need the USA's conservation efforts. Below we obtained the list and his reasons why. 1. Pacific Walrus: Quite like seals and we have loads of them. No one would wake up one morning and go...
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Funny story: Political Twisties

Political Twisties

In the latest twist to what some are calling a political crisis but others recognise as insanity two world leaders have started calling each other names. In the grand scheme of things Trump and UN aren't going to remembered as being the foremost political minds of their generation. To be fair they'll be lucky to be remembered as having minds if they carry on the way they are. Donald Trump has...
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Funny story: The Magic of Middleton

The Magic of Middleton

If you're British (we know you are if you're reading one of our pieces, there was one Finnish guy that read one and he died! Our work doesn't seem to translate well for international audiences) you will know that the Royal Family are better than you and Kate Middleton is certainly better than you and whatever shit you do. Speculation is rife with how Kate manages to look so young and unflustered e...
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Funny story: Corn on the Mogg

Corn on the Mogg

Politics is an ever evolving organism that lives, breaths, pulses and shits. My God does it shit. Occasionally it strains and pushes and forces out a smear so bad that it becomes self-aware and joins the party that shat it out. Out of the anus of the Tory Party has crawled one of these. In the spirit of maintaining political neutrality Back and to the Left news bagged ourselves an interview wi...
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Funny story: Why The BBC Are Having Trouble Recruiting DJ's

Why The BBC Are Having Trouble Recruiting DJ's

We at Back and to the Left news are so connected with youth culture we feel like we are almost inside young people. It's a closeness that you would expect from a lover or a Dr who specialises in looking at genitals. Hang on can we start again? After hearing the news that BBC Radio One was struggling to find new DJ's we tried to get an interview with the head of the station. Unfortunately he'd s...
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Funny story: Ten Facts About Kate Middleton

Ten Facts About Kate Middleton

As a country (I mean the UK, you know a proper country) we have a tendency to fawn over people who wear incredibly expensive jewellery, live in palaces and expect the tax payer to foot the bill when their roof has a leak. So to play to the gallery as it were here are seven facts you didn't know about our future Queen Kate Middleton. 1. As part of the Royal Family she has several other titles in...
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Funny story: Arsenal's Missed Targets

Arsenal's Missed Targets

With the news that long term arsenal target Julian Draxler has joined PSG on a four year contract we at BATTL news decided to pre-empt all the news and sport websites. We are great believers in the hyperbole and complete shrieking nonsense around football being the thing that has destroyed the game. Not the endless streams of money (nobody says a word about baseball contracts, formula one drivers...
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Funny story: Sepp's Main Aim

Sepp's Main Aim

With the re-election of Sepp Blatter as head of the mafia Back and to the Left news travelled to Switzerland to visit the man himself. After passing more security than a secret research facility we were taken to a giant pool room. Half naked beauties bathed in a pool of champagne and frolicked under waterfalls of gold flecked water. We would have given them a wave but that would be a breach of...
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Funny story: The Election Part Two

The Election Part Two

Part two of our look at the candidates in the upcoming election has us conducting a interview round the back of the houses of Parliament. Inside a large bin where the Lib Dems have their campaign headquarters and we were ushered inside by a blind man being led by another blind man. Nick Clegg was seated on stool made of the last elections manifesto, it looked hollow. He seemed pleased to see us...
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Funny story: The Election: Part One

The Election: Part One

The election is coming! Please don't misread the second word and call the police on us. This is our first in a number of interviews with leading political figures in the run up to the already predetermined election in May. We spoke to king weirdo himself. Ed Miliband. We met Ed in a windowless room as the idea of seeing clouds seemed to distress him to the point where he would rock back and for...
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Funny story: Real Pain In Real Estate

Real Pain In Real Estate

In an outpouring of love for the common man David Cameron has promised to "double the number of cut price starter homes". Back and to the Left news met up with the man behind Cameron's plan on a train heading to Glasgow. We had boarded the train in Hull and had already got to York and slipped onto the Scotland bound train without paying for a ticket. So far so good. What? We looked at the...
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Funny story: British Gas Price War

British Gas Price War

Like most of your houses the Back and to the Left offices are freezing cold. With no windows and gas prices higher than our defence lawyer on day two of our fraud trial, it's a recipe for disaster or hypothermia whichever one claims us first. But help is on the way after British Gas said they would be cutting their prices by 5% and it is hoped that the other companies will follow suit. We spoke...
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Funny story: Bring Back The Guillotine

Bring Back The Guillotine

This countries a mess. There we said it. But it's not our opinion, but the opinion of the man on the street. The white van mad man, the market trader and the pub landlord all agree. But why is it a mess and what are the solutions, we don't know, shit we cant remember where we let the dog off it's lead last. That dam terrier could be anywhere. Anyway we grabbed a bunch of people off the street (...
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Funny story: Rocky 6, 7, 8, 9 And Beyond

Rocky 6, 7, 8, 9 And Beyond

With the news that Sylvester Stallone is going to have a another round of Botox and release another Rocky Film, BATTL news got all excited and raided the superstars bin to find more information. After twenty minutes of throwing rubbish all over his driveway we came across a bundle of first draft scripts for his upcoming movies. Here are the best. Rocky Doggy: Ex-Heavyweight champion Rocky Bal...
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Funny story: Twitter Punishes The Blind

Twitter Punishes The Blind

We at Back and to the Left news have decided to do what most news outlets do and take anything any celebrity says at 100% face value. So when Ben Affleck mounted the pavement with his Ford Transit van and started bellowing that "Twitter punishes the blind" we thought we'd better get his viewpoint. Unfortunately we had to go to the county jail he was been held in to conduct the interview. The first...
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Funny story: Britain For The Brits!

Britain For The Brits!

We at Back and to the Left news pride ourselves on giving everyone a voice, including those of us who don't deserve one. We try to be as fair as we can be when it comes down to our interviews and subsequent write ups. So when we decided to interview a member of the group Britain First our peers (the other people in the hostel we currently call home) we're shocked. They asked us "why would you give...
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Funny story: FIFA 15 A Review

FIFA 15 A Review

We stole a copy of the new FIFA 15 game because we heard it was so amazing. We then had to steal a wide screen TV a PS4 and break into a hotel room so we could play the dam thing and give you this glittering review. For those of you who don't know what a "FIFA 15" is it's the game developed by a group of above the law tie wearing muppets who have destroyed the global game. However hats off to...
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Funny story: Bang To Animal Rights

Bang To Animal Rights

In an effort to impress the animal rights campaigner who has moved in at the end of our street BATTL news has decided to pursue an animal rights story that has shocked us. The daily newspaper "The Sun" (it should be called "The Paper That Thinks It's Alright To Kill Small Insects") has instigated a new hateful competition in which it hires celebrities to attempt killing a fly using a variety of ob...
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Funny story: Becks - A Review

Becks - A Review

After been told repeatedly by various editors/people in the street to "report on important things" and "why don't you get an actual job" we decided to knuckle down and do some real reporting. By that we meant we bought some Becks and reviewed the shit out of what is a great smooth beverage. In the hope that Mr Becks will see this humble review/tribute and pay us handsomely for it, we have sent...
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Funny story: Kerry Katona's a bit of a Moaner

Kerry Katona's a bit of a Moaner

Kerry Katona will marry for the third time and has once again hawked her "Special(ish it is the third time) Day" around to as many magazines as she can. Unfortunately for her nobody was stupid enough to pay to see a sham marriage that will last less time than a Gaza ceasefire. Nobody except us. Back and to the Left news bid sixteen pence and a packet of cigarette papers for the honour of interv...
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Funny story: Lana Del What?

Lana Del What?

Lana Del Ray (no, we don't know who she is either) has sensationally admitted to sleeping her way around the music industry. The singer (?) said: "I have slept a lot of guys in the industry but none of them helped me get my record deals." Learning of this amazing news BATTL news hastily arranged a interview with her to find out the truth behind the statement. We also took a guitar along...
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Funny story: Kanye Komplains

Kanye Komplains

After Kanye West was overheard complaining that the toilet paper on the Eurostar train was "too scratchy" for his arse, we tracked him down to find out how much of a bell end he really is. He was carried in on the backs of sixteen golden retrievers while church music was played at an ear splitting volume. A large silver hand descended from the sky (we had been ordered to remove our roof for the...
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Breaking News...

Harvey Weinstein ejaculated from Motion Picture Academy

In an emergency meeting of the Motion Pictue Academy, reviewing the sexual antics of Weinstein until, in a crescendo of passion, they ejaculated him all the way to New Jersey, land of the creeps.
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