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Funny story: Oldest Bird In U.S Raises Chick

Oldest Bird In U.S Raises Chick

"110 year old Ellie Mae Dorchester, the oldest bird in the States, has given birth to a chick at Sonora State Hospital, California". So says today's headline in the Dudes Journal, the most popular U.S publication for male chauvinist pigs. This particular caption refers to a centenarian in the States giving birth to a 5 pound baby girl after receiving 18 months of artificial insemination.
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Funny story: Cliff Heads For The States

Cliff Heads For The States

At the grand old age of 70, Sir Cliff Richard is making a final attempt to conquer America. Fame has always eluded him on the other side of the pond, but this time he believes he's hit on a formula that's guaranteed to bring him belated success. The veteran singer is hoping to tap into the religious diversity existing Stateside and is bringing out a religious album made up of new versions of...
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Funny story: Political Correctness in Football - Chapter 253

Political Correctness in Football - Chapter 253

Continuing our look at the ever increasing world of political correctness and the many ways in which accepted soccer speak breaks the rules. First in the frame this week is one of the many entertaining but nonetheless highly controversial modern phrases known as Ron Atkoisms. "The winger beat him for fun" One of the classic expressions to issue forth from Big Ron's vocal chords, harmless...
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Funny story: The Aberdeen Almanac Chapter 4

The Aberdeen Almanac Chapter 4

Foo they hingin', chiels ? Wi' the missus bein' awa last midweek fur a puckle days tae git hur mowzer cluppit, ah thocht ah'd heid doon tae Weegieland and hae a skek at the twa teams thit caused us Jocks tae lose ane o' oor Champions League places. Althoughs the game wuz at Parkheid, mah guid freend Wullie (faz a Hun)goat us intae Ibrox an' we partook o' sum o' the Gers' hospitality. There wiz...
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Funny story: Census 2011

Census 2011

One of the questions in this year's Census caused a great debate in various circles before the final wording was agreed . Census forms , which are due to go out to every household in the land at the end of March, have a question regarding religion. Question 13 asks : "What religion, religious denomination or body do you belong to ?" Many groups involved in the census consultation p...
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Funny story: Political Correctness in Football - Chapter 25

Political Correctness in Football - Chapter 25

Continuing our look at the ever increasing world of political correctness and the many ways in which accepted soccer speak breaks the rules. ".... made a monkey out of him" This expression used to be perfectly o.k. but over the years has more and more become a target for the anti-racism lobby. Accordiingly, a previously unheard of suggestion is to be made, namely, . the use of one of the m...
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Funny story: Stones Guitarist Disowns Daughter

Stones Guitarist Disowns Daughter

Rolling Stones legend Keith Richards has formally disowned daughter Theodora after she was arrested for drug possession and drawing graffiti on the side of a convent in Lower Manhattan. By the time, I was Theodora's age, I'd been busted 7 times for drugs and had even done a stretch in the Scrubs - and it wasn't just for a couple of narco tabs , if you know what I mean. And as for getting li...
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Funny story: The Aberdeen Almanac Chapter 3

The Aberdeen Almanac Chapter 3

Och aye, loons and quinies, foos yer doos ? Me and the gang - One Eyed Boab, Pisa Pete (the chiel wi' the list), Stumpy Nick an' Dode the Dreep)- were musin' agin' oan the big safties thit seem to be a' oor the gemme these deys. It disnae seem tae maitter if its the perfessionals, junyers oar the ameteurs, they a' seem to be a differunt breed tae the players thit wur aboot in oor day. Bit th...
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Funny story: The Aberdeen Almanac Chapter 2

The Aberdeen Almanac Chapter 2

Fit like, abody. Me an' mah guid freends ower the past puckle days huv bin chawin' the cud ower this an' that (mainly that, tae be honist). An' the main theeng we've bin crackin' aboot is the Auld Feerm. Ivry wee whilie us fitba fowk git bathered wi' a' these havers aboot the Weegies jynin' this league or anither, but ye aw ken its nae gaein' tae happin. An' foo no ? Cuz the fans an' t...
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Funny story: Things You'd Rather Do Than...

Things You'd Rather Do Than...

Continuing our increasingly popular series "Things You'd Rather Do Than". Today we present "Things You'd Rather Do Than.....Watch Stoke City". 1. Get an enema. 2. Tidy up your sock drawer. 3. Tidy up someone else's sock drawer. 4. Pull your nose hairs out. 5.Try to evacuate your bowels when your piles are playing up. 6. Get the snip without an anaesthetic, 7. Watch a rerun...
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Funny story: Political Correctness In Football

Political Correctness In Football

Another article advising what terms can and can't be used in the world of football in terms of political correctness. "Fenian Trash" The first instance just doesn't stand up to close examination in these environmentally friendly times. The word "trash" doesn't any longer conjure up the same illusions as previously - in fact, the advent of recycling has ensured that even rubbish ca...
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Funny story: Premiership Club Comes Down Hard on Player Misbehaviour

Premiership Club Comes Down Hard on Player Misbehaviour

In an attempt to put a stop to the number of their players involved in high profile incidents of a sexual nature , an unnamed Premiership club has issued strict new guidelines to its squad. " (a)Unprotected sexual activities by married players with their life partners will, in the opinion of club directors, only be permitted where 9 months from the date of the intended sexual relations does n...
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Funny story: Caledonium - A Scottishe Tale

Caledonium - A Scottishe Tale

And so it came to pass that Neil, No Relation, leader of the Abbreviated Timothies did tunnel his senses of humour against his ancient rival Walter, The Former Cardigan Wearer in their tribes' ceaseless endeavours for the Holy Grail known as The Caledonium Upper Order. Thanks to fatal strikes inflicted by Gary, The Spaghetti Lover and Kris The Village Greens, the Abbreviated Timothies utterly c...
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Funny story: Rangers New Song

Rangers New Song

To the tune of "I Will Survive" : Once we had money coming out our ears Being skint would never be one of our fears We had an inexhaustible supply of David Murray's dough We could even pay £12 million for Tore Andre Flo Now we are skint We've got feck all Its through the lower leagues in England We now have to trawl No more signing rejects from the top le...
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Funny story: The Duncan Ferguson Memoirs

The Duncan Ferguson Memoirs

Rangers and Everton legend Duncan Ferguson has published his long awaited memoirs. One of Dunc's main intentions in his book is to set the record straight. Here he puts his own spin on the events of 1992 in Fife.... "Not for the first time, I found my good self the totally unfortunate victim of a grave miscarriage of justice. You may have read at the the time in some of the national...
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Funny story: Political Correctness and Football

Political Correctness and Football

In an effort to subscribe to the constantly changing social and moral standards of the day, it is incumbent on all of us supporters to be aware of terms and expressions which are not politically correct. First one up is - "Hey you, Yer A Nut Job/Heidbanger" A particularly well used remark at grounds across the country, aimed at one of the nation's favourite sons. The main reason why s...
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Funny story: The Aberdeen Almanac

The Aberdeen Almanac

Fit like, abodys. Its me wi' the ferst o' mah midweek conflabs aboot fitever's been oan mah mind ower the last puckle days. Weel, mah guidsel an mah freends One Eyed Boab, Pisa Pete (he's got ae leg shoarter thun the ither so he hiz a helluva slant), Stumpy Nick an' Dode the Dreep (fa bide in the orramin's bothy doon the road), huv bin crackin' awa an' agree thit ane o' the biggest vexes in...
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Funny story: Scotland 3012 .A.D

Scotland 3012 .A.D

The second report by a 2012 A.D. archaeologist as he excavates Scotland. "Following my first excursion into the north west of the landmass, I travelled for approximately 60 miles in an Easterly direction to a much smaller site than previously. Located on the periphery of a small, but well-to-do urban establishment, this compact structure was relatively well preserved . In fact, the evidence w...
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Funny story: Scotland 3011 A.D

Scotland 3011 A.D

What would an archaeologist in a thousand years time find if he excavated in the Glasgow area ? "One of the most interesting discoveries during my lifelong project of excavating sporting venues in the Western European Continental Peninsula occurred when I had to journey into the northwest of the landmass where a large metropolitan colony once existed. While there were more than a few sit...
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Funny story: Rod The Mod's Eighth Child

Rod The Mod's Eighth Child

Rod Stewart has become a father for the eight time at the grand old age of 66. His wife Penny Lancaster has just given birth to a baby boy, Aiden after the couple had undertaken 3 course of IVF treatment. The couple already have a 5 year old son, Alastair. To celebrate the good news, Rod has released a new greatest hits album, featuring the following tracks : Reason To Conceive Handba...
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Funny story: "Three Lions " Update

"Three Lions " Update

As we approach the 8 month anniversary of England's humiliating 4-1 defeat by Germany in the last 16 of World Cup 2010, Frank Skinner and David Baddiel are releasing an updated version of the classic "Three Lions" : They're Coming Home They're Coming Home They're Coming England's Coming Home (x 66) Everyone Seems To Know The Score The Germans Gave Them Four And For Sure It Could Have...
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Funny story: Terry Butcher Revisited

Terry Butcher Revisited

In the first of a series of books focussing on legends of the English game, Brian Glanville reassesses the career of Terry Butcher. "In the 1986 World Cup in Mexico, it was Terry who was seemingly left in Maradona's wake as Diego scored that memorable solo goal. Research has shown that, rather than being outpaced by burly Diego, our Tel could in fact have quite easily caught up with him and pr...
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Breaking News...

Spanish senator blames country's 1 trillion euro debt on homosexuals

Luz Elena Sanin says every Spanish gay has been subsidised at around one million dollars apiece by the European Union since 1997. Jeez....


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