While most of the western world is up to its knees in debt, and some, like Ireland, have taken considerable measures, China, the world-second largest economy, has a surplus of $3trn. With that money, it could buy the entire United States Department of Defence plus its hardware, and still have enough money left over to pay off the debt of the PIGS (Portugal, Ireland, Greece, Spain) countries.
We here at the Daily Mail are the first to get you first-class news. Could teen sex impregnate you? Of course, it is common knowledge that babies come from storks, but... what if doing the nasty with a 15-year old could make one come out of one of you? SHOCKING! It's impossible!
Well, according to a scientist, who was obviously trained by Europeans and uses the Communist metric system said that...
As a native Briton (that's like saying the Americans), I am British (that's like saying he is American). So, that makes me qualified to write this guide on Britain.
Firstly, London is not interchangeable with Britain. People who are not Londoners (which is about 58 million) will get pretty pissed off.
Also, England is not interchangeable with Britain. It's an understandable, but unforgivable...
Hello! This is the Spoof Newz for Kidz! I'm Inhopeless's niece, Eloise, aged 9 and a half. Inhopeless says that I'm really clever for counting to a half, and he says that I can write this. Goody gumdrops! I love writing! I got sticker for writing about chocolate cake in school. Miss loved it. The 'z' makes it all cooler.
Here are the news stories that the mean, mean grown-ups won't tell you.
LOS ANGELES - Pattinson, a favourite among teen girls for being 'hawt', has been found in a nude photograph taken during his days at university.
The photo is 50cm by 60cm, and shows him hanging with his mates while being drunk. According to the digital version of it, it was taken during the middle of the day.
Hah. Fooled you. Wow. Just wow. Seriously? You're going to read about a fictional e...
BY SQUEAKY THE WHALE
Look, thanks. Firstly, just thank you. You really have gotten into gear to save my species, you humans. Stopping the Japanese fishermen, stopping people from skinning us. Thanks.
But, really... you're still killing us, unwittingly. It's great, letting us back into the wild.
My cousin, Larry, was in the Aqautic London Zoo. Airlifted to Alaska. Great place. One problem.
Music is one of the most widely known art forms, with many genres, pop, rock, jazz, blues, (c)rap, and others. Oh, and Ben Folds.
Here are some great song titles and albums from the modern era.
1) "The Undertaker's Thirst for Revenge is Unquenchable (The Final Battle)" - Chiodos [S]
2) "One Angry Dwarf and Two Hundred Solemn Faces" - Ben Folds [s]
3) "You Are Fired (Take This Job, Ah,...
I THINK LIBYAN REBELS NEED OUR UTMOST ATTENTION AND SUPPORT
by James Turner, 23 - Political Science student
In Libya, the crisis affects everyone. If we let Gadhaffi take control, he will win, and we will lose.
We must train the rebel alliance to fight for thier cause. Maybe we can keep a couple of NATO jets in the sky, just in case, but we should definetly arm and train the rebels.
I still have to study. I called my friend, Lady Godiva. Apparently, she was in hospital.
"Don't worry," she said over the phone. "You'll do fine in your French writing exam!" When I asked her why she thought so, she then replied. "I can read the minds of people and their thoughts of the future! I know the examiner will give your work an 'A'!"
I was shocked. How did... what the...?
"Sony-Walmart-Vodafone-Google have announced that they have captured the polis of Marseilles in the France district of the European States," blared the radio. Of course, this was of little consolation to me. Back on Earth, I was interested in transnational politics, and especially the fact that Britainico was constantly changing hands between Soongle and Virgin-Tesco-Apple-Peugeot.
But not ri...
After managing to get the Royal Mail to block all letters that come to me for the Spoof c/o Inhopeless, somehow, messages from readers come into my Google Mail every day. Here are a few selections from the 298... 340... 360... look, there's a lot.
Can you please format your site onto a user-friendly version on wood-pulp-based writing stacks? It'd really help when I get my smar...
LONDON - After Inhopeless decided to let his right-wing cousins Bob run Inhopeless Media Group for a day, he has found some... interesting news.
According to research done by Bob, SI units could be the number one killer of middle-class families.
Although the true middle-class is nothing like Bob says, here is what he says.
The middle-classes, who are mostly educated, distrust the metric s...
To clarify, my mother is not dead. My homeworld is Earth, not Gop. I was never dumped in a vat of radioactive waste, nor was I biten by a special being.
I am normal. Ish. Of course, my powers started manifesting, innocently.
Yet again, today, after being beaten up by losers for my intelligence, I found an old drawer in the street. In there was a phone.
My HTC Desire HD phone. What it was...
Thousands of people illegally cross borders. Some make it. Other don't. Here are some sure-fire tips on how to get to the other side.
1) Disguise self as a stereotype of recipient nation, or pretend to be an asshole. Chances are, the rec. nation will be all assholes.
2) Send a email, and then upload yourself as an attachment. Send email to a 3D printer lab in all good science or engineering...
I've been hearing about this film. I thought the first and second films, Battle for Tunisia and Egypt Breakdown were a bit weak for war films, with not much bloodshed or battles.
It appears that the creators have listened. Already news crews at the set of the film have said there is more blood than ever, with more tanks patrolling the streets.
Get this. The set stretches across the entire c...
As the crisis in Libya gets worse, the few media outlets in the western part and Loyalist-controlled part of Libya have reported that Gaddafi will not step down, admist riots, extreme violence and hundreds dead in both sides of the country. Inhopeless Media Group went onto the streets.
What do you think?
Samir Khan, 32, CAIRO (Government worker) - "They can move here! We have enough freedom...
All across the Arab nations, including Morroco, Libya, Algeria, Bahrain and others, demonstrations by the people inspired by Tunisa and Egypt are taking place, with some ending in bloodshed. Inhopeless Media Group went out and asked people.
What do you think?
Sarah Smith: London (CEO) - "What? Oh come on! I read in the Economist that Bahrain was one of the safest places to do business! There...
By Larry Hargreves, Wolverhampton - Homicidal Maniac
Imitation is the best form of flattery. That certainly is true. Some say my work... is... morally reprehensive. I disagree. The same as Ben Folds being inflenced by Tom Waits, I am influenced by A Clockwork Orange in my line of work.
I may not be a wordsmith, but you can see the emotions and feelings and deep meanings behind the effort I p...
Every morning I wake up to find that Her Majesty's Royal Mail service has delivered many a letter to my door. Today, along with my issue of the Economist and the Independent, I have several more letters. Why they don't send me emails, I don't know. Also, why are the letters re-directed to me?
From Larrisa Clarks in San Deigo
I am leaving you for another site. I know this...
CARIO - After a near-bloodless coup, everything actually goes well.
There was actually a fall of government, and very few got hurt. Fancy that? Wait, what? There's an actual rewritten constitution?
This is one of those Spoof things ain't it? Inhopeless Media Group is a respectable news outlet.
What? You're kidding right? NO WAY! So... you mean? Actually? Well, apparently the leader has ac...
In an exclusive interview with the Guardian on the 16th of Feburary, a former Iraqi dissident gave fake testimonials to the American government on Saddam's [non-existent] WMD. According to many analysts, this was the biggest confidence trick ever. Inhopeless Media Group has dug up more government secrets.
So, what other dissimulated information have the US and British governments recieved?
The Conservative-Liberal Democrats coalition in power in the United Kingdom have announced to push on with the cultural directive known as Big Society. Many are mystified. However, Inhopeless Media Group have this handy InfoDepth for you.
Big Society will include:
- An increase in the average mass of UK-born babies by 250% from 0.75kg to 1.9kg
- Everyone to volunteer to do the government'...