Officer More stood looking down at the body on the floor. He had not seen the like in the twenty years he had been a policeman; in fact, he had not seen anything like it since his days as a butcher.
His moment of reflection was interrupted by the arrival of Officer Ore, who sidled up beside him and asked an obvious question. "Is he dead"
"Well" Began More. "Yes I am" said Ore "But is he dead...
Mr Arm, stood behind the worn out oak counter, looking through the previous days receipts. Monday had been busy, as usual, and still some weekly accounts had not been settled. no need to panic, Rothchilds always paid its bill.
Arm closed the receipt book, and began dusting the counter in readiness for opening time. Eight o'clock, sharp. In the forty years, they had been in the city, the shop ha...
Two men paddled furiously, the canoe making little headway.
a scorching sun, high in the sky, bore down on thier backs, making the task arduous and painful.
"We've run out water sir!". Shouted private Parts.
"Dam!" Replied Colonel Colon. "We will have to drink our own urine until we can find a stream of pond, dig in Parts!"
"No sir! I mean we have run out of river, there is no more water...
"Look, Looook! Yu bludy Labour party, spent all our money on thier namby pamby bludy lesbian and gay community centres! Thats why, yu Tories, yu Tories mate, thats why yu Camerons are finding it ard to make ends meet! They cant sell the bludy fings! Stuck wiv em they are, poor bludy sods, who's goin to buy, a second hand, run darn bludy community centre? Go on! herherher, the Labour party! Thats w...
Morton Bendlebag, finished combing his hair, put the toupe on his shinning bald head, and made for the front door.
It was the only way out of his semi detached in Penge, some bastard had super glued the back door lock. At the bus stop, Morton waited patiently for the number 55 bus, that would transport him to the Benghazi Community centre, Eagle terrace, Harlesden.
Emmarold Partinfok, slippe...
MONEY: "Dont spend it, steal everything you need"
SEX: "Every tart is fair game except yer dear old Mum".
BEEF: "Easy to milk, a fucker to slaughter, if you do have
a Daisy away from the farm, get yourself a mate that
knows how to use a chainsaw"
NOSE HAIR: "A good cigarette lighter does the trick"
PETROL: "Use unleaded, the forensics hate it, they cant...
I started my stamp collection in 1945, the first stamp I purchased was a Penny Black that my Great Great Great Grandfather sold to me for a penny.
Then, I got another stamp, and another one, and another one, and that's how it became my collection proper.
I put them in stamp albums, spending hours indexing big stamps, small stamps, medium stamps, stamps from every country in the world, small...
I 'ave bin a-fishin' for many years. I has fly fished in every stream an' lake aroun' thar country. Ev'ry one of me flies 'as bin made by me, rolled on me leg, hours an hours an hours of bendin' an' a-twining 'til I gits it reet.
Then, there's me rods, 'undreds of em I ave, big ones, small ones, medium ones, ones wiv small rings, ones wiv big rings, ones wiv medium rings.
Forty nine ye'rs I...
Bastards, that about sums them up. They eat fruit all day and night, then shit where they hang. "What's the problem?", You may ask, I will fukin' tell you mate!
When your bed is directly under them, it don't bode well because the detritus sticks to clothing and skin. After a night of being shit on, I resemble a leper that has been in a nude paintball fight. Covered in it, I am.
Then, the li...
You've played your last eighteen.
Strolled your last green.
If there is a golf course in heaven.
Will you use the number seven.
By Arnold Mitercrump. Florida
Osama Bin Laden:
You ugly bearded bastard.
Copt it from the Yanks.
Did you hear the missile.
Before it hit you on the head.
By Col. Percy Pummel. Saffron Waldon
Arthur Blanket rose from his fireside chair, and made toward the bottle of brown ale that stood on the sideboard.
As he past the coal fire, gently burning in the grate, he let go a posturn blast, that stoked the flames, and singed the hair on his worn out slippers.
"Bolocks!" Cried Arthur, stamping out the flame engulfed house shoes. "That fuckin curry has ruined me".
Stout, carefully pou...
You were a highly studied actor.
your films were very good.
I wish you had won an oscar.
Your photo is on my Nans shelf.
By Oswald Gentry. Glasgow
Patriarch Alexy 11:
You gave some nice sermons.
People listened when you spoke.
Now that you are in heaven.
Do you still have the long coat?
By Yuri Barbetov. Moscow
Joan Of Arc:
As a young girl.
You have smoked your last cigar Jimmy.
It's time to leave the disco floor.
The marathon ends in heaven.
You won't have to knock on the door.
By Mrs Futtle Ferang. Hampshire
You have cooked your last hotpot Betty.
It is time to leave the pub.
No more pints to pull.
Jesus is waiting for you.
He has kept you your own bar stool.
By Mr Fred Futtle.
Inspector Clacket entered the village butchers shop.
"Good morning old poy". Greeted the owner, Mr Farquarson Patel. "A what I can do for you this wintery morning?"
Clacket stood by the counter. "I am Inspector Clacket from Causton police, I want to ask you some questions".
The owner, Mr Farquarson Patel, stood silent.
"Did you hear me? I want to ask you some questions" Stated Clacket.
Editor: Mrs Feliphant Opilove
Hello, and a warm wintery welcome. To the wealthy residents.
Some poor elderly people were spotted shopping in Waitrose last week, the police were called, and they were removed.
Mrs Toak, of the Gables, Oswestry road, has complained about working class people standing at bus stops. I have had a word with the bus company, and they will be moved on.
And welcome to another edition of our fun pack magazine.
Last month, Mr E. Winter from Devon, wrote to the Editor complaining about the sniggering from two of our members while burying his wife.
I have spoken to those involved and they explained that Mr Winters wife had died of Leprosy, and while lowering the open coffin into the hole, her nose fell off. They tried to carry on, bu...
I began to steal from an early age. I was caught stealing sweets from a shop at age five. Not that I needed to. My parents were decent people and paid their debts on time and always settled the grocery bill at the end of the week.
I could have anything I wanted from the shop all, I had to do was ask. Not me! If I could get it out the shop undiscovered, it was a victory. On this occasion I lost...
Perrot entered Lord and Lady Toffs lounge. He moved to the fireplace and stood staring at the people sitting before him. "Ello everybodis peeps I em Hurcules Perrot feemos detect init".
There was a hushed silence and a smell of burning. Lord Toff began to speak but was interrupted by the raised hand of Perrot.
"Ples I am speek an I es not finish wot I say," continued Perrot. "Some of one i...
Hello! And welcome to the second edition of the magazine that lets you know what other stuck up snooty curtain twitchers are doing around the country. Hope you enjoy!
Mrs Scrongle-Fettlebum from the suburbs of Ventnor, held her annual Nose Bleeders party this week. Many people turned up and it was a great success. The blood will be donated to the local hospice. Tea and Scones were served.
I have finished reading the last few pages of your book. I was trapped in Dorking station toilets overnight, after a few drinks and a vindaloo. If it were not for the quality of paper used in this publication, my arse could have ended up being very sore. I got to page 250, and thank god, the Station Master let me out the next morning. Although I have only read the last forty two pages...
Morris, a rat that lived in the sewers of London, made his way along the shit stained highway of the tunnel he called home. Today was an arduous journey created by the rain that was cascading down the drains at street level.
Morris did not want to be late he saw his opportunity and leapt onto a small piece of wood that was rushing by in the murky torrent. With the dexterity of an Aussie surfer...
"Oy! Carson! Where's me fry up you lazy bastard!" Called the Earl of Grantham, from his bedroom. "Your going to the dogs!and I dont mean Battersea you mug!".
Lady Grantham, put down her newspaper and looked at her husband. "Do you have to spek in such a minner to der stiff? Wee dunt you jiz rung der bill?"
Lord Grantham giggled, "Put your teeth in Maude, you sound like a fukin Russian on cra...