Ben Affleck made the following statement today. Clever how he can do that.
Raising kids is the greatest thing I could do,…….. if I could find the little sods. You haven't seem them have you? They are quite small and speak a strange language that I find hard to understand. By the way, what is that stuff that leaks out of them? The smell! what the hell do they eat!?
I think Jennifer saw one...
Well, I started when I sixteen see, working that is, I got lucky cos my uncle, he was a Key Grip in Ealing Studios and my Aunt Renee she was head Seamstress, so I fell on me feet.
Ooh it were hard work though, no slouching or hopping the wag, you had to be there on time and make sure you carried out your duties cos the film see, if it was in production they couldn't afford to be mucked about, i...
It was a right old ding dong and no mistake, I mean, fancy doing that in front of the general public, a bit like Giraffes having sex in the middle of Piccadilly Circus a real show stopper.
Then, they go and complain saying no one understands them! What was there to understand?
A mouse tightrope walking across the Grand Canyon could not top that for entertainment value and we all know the publi...
The hall has seen many faces come and go, thank the lord we managed to persuade "The Kim Jong Ill appreciation society" to give up their vigil. The violence was a little over the top but at least no one was arrested. This Easter we see some new faces using the hall and I hope they will be made as welcome as all our previous residents. Please report abuse of the hall to me.
Edited by Lymington Spode.
Mrs Hane from the Bacon Grinders Forum has been awarded "Sow of the year" yet again.
Ardle Pitterfong has returned from the jungles of Borneo
The interesting insect specimens he brought back with him are being removed at the hospital.
Funeral Directors, Mardews of Dorking are offering a two for one special this month.
Church Hall Events:
"Look Sir, we have searched the house and I can tell you, hand on heart, he is not here".
"Don't believe it, the silly sod has got drunk and fallen down a crevice somewhere".
"I understand the grounds are quite extensive but my officers and I have had a good look".
"Did you check the old out houses and the barn?"
"Yes sir, every possible nook and cranny has been searched, he is not her...
I remember Stinky a tall cadaverous looking chap with a profound limp in his vocabulary.
We bedded at Cambridge together,he had a habit of wanking under a copy of Country life.
Never saw him after Girton College, just sort of went our separate ways, at Winchester together you know.
Some years later, I am sitting in the Dunlop Club having a snifter when who should walk in?
Dear old Stinky, dr...
Mr and Mrs Fingle sat quietly in their lounge. The Christmas tree lights sparkled, filling the room with soft colours. The only sound that could be heard was the clicked click of Mrs Fingles knitting needles as they came together to create another pullover for Mr Fingle.
"Nearly time Ethel" said Mr Fingle.
"Yers, I know dear, but let's wait till the last minute" replied Mrs Fingle.
On the 11th of November, 1911, a passenger ship, the S.S. Titnatic set sail for the Isle of Wight.
It would not reach its destination. This is the story of that night.
16:00HRS: Petty officer Spike Huff shouted orders for the Stevedores to undo the hawsers and let go.
The lead Stevedore did let go, choking his workmates and making them retch with the pungent smell.
Tugs rallied alongside...
Angle Welt was an ordinary man he ruled his cave and the big boulder outside the entrance
With a fist of wood, yet something eluded him. Try as he might, he could not think what it was.
One morning while sitting outside the cave scraping his nuts, he noticed a Dung Beetle rolling a huge Richard along the path. This he thought, was a message from whatever thing it was that made the green stuff...
The wind blew through the windy city. This was Chicago, the windy city. In his office off one of those run down streets near a rather violent neighbourhood, Frankie D sat at his desk sipping sour mash whiskey and hummed one of those classic old tunes; Y.M.C.A. by the village people.
A letter had arrived from Ohio and its content had him worried, it was written in Mandarin. Was it a threat from...
Scene: A small farmhouse in Sussex. A man enters the kitchen.
"Beryl, old Mr Snoop has been arrested for stroking a badger in the lower field".
"Oh gosh, what are we to do about the fence?" replied Beryl.
"The fucker will have to do it when he is released".
"Language Nigel, we are being recorded by the BBC" advised Beryl.
"Sorry darling, it's just that I was hoping to go fishing thi...
Jimmy Savile arrives at the gates of heaven St. Peter ushers him into a side room.
"Hello Mr Savile, I need to have a word about a couple of things that have come to light"
"Oh, now then Pete, no more praise, I know how much good I did down there" says Savile.
"The name is Peter, Mr Savile and there is little praise in what I have to ask".
"Now then, friend, if it's about the knocked o...
Mary Popitin stood watching the one man band. She was impressed with his rendition of "Voodoo Child" but thought the rhythm section lacked a disciplined knee. Having nothing more to do but annoy the people in the park with her singing, she decided to join the man and dance to the music.
Bert is hacking away at the mouth organ when a woman dressed in multi-coloured rags starts to gyrate beside h...
Shylock Humes woke with a start Mrs Hudson had dropped the breakfast tray on him again.
"Ooh beg pardon Eric, I tripped on the half rug" sighed Mrs Hudson.
"Never call me Eric Maude, you never know who is listening" warned Shylock.
"I didn't know your name was Eric" said a voice from the wardrobe.
Quick as a flash, Shylock leapt from his bed and grabbed his gun, Mrs Hudson grabbed her...
I read the Magazine article "Situations vacant. Typical British family wanted" by Mr Clive Danton and was quite horrified, how on earth did he know I am a junkie and my 14 year old daughter is a crack hoe with two children from different fathers? He hacked our mobile phones. If this article is not removed I will contact ITV4 and inform them we are not doing the programme.
"I cleaned out the loft this morning with the wife. Dirty, dusty, full of cobwebs, but she's good to the kids"
Tommy Cooper (1921-1984)
"I saw six men punching and kicking my mother in law, my neighbour said "Aren't you going to help"? No I said, six should be enough".
Les Dawson (1931-1993)
"I have the body of an eighteen year old; I keep it in the freezer".
Spike Milligan (1918-20...
Reverend Dicker stood in the pulpit and looked out onto his congregation. He had done this every Sunday for thirty years. Today would be his last sermon before retiring to the sunny isle of Capri.
The church was full, as usual, with the usual people. Gods flock all bleating to the same tune.
While waiting for the hymn to finish, Dicker took another swig from his hip flask.
"Good morning bro...
Danton cupped a hand to his ear. "Hist" he said.
"What can you hear?" asked Lynton.
"A hiss" answered Danton.
"Where's it coming from?" enquired Colonel Erskin.
"That rucksack" said Danton, pointing to the green bundle on the floor.
Pinxit made a grab for the offending item and opened the flap, from inside, a tall figure emerged wearing a pork pie trilby, rain coat and wellington bo...
The village idiot has been recognised as a legitimate occupation since the thirteenth century.
Edward the first (Longshanks) sent his own idiot, John Major, to Scotland with a mocking message for William Wallace, however, the idiot presented the verbal insult to King Gruffudd of Wales.
Since that day to this, the slight has never been forgiven and the two nations still spit at each other.
All competitors must bring their own medical kits and have personal injury insurance.
The games will be held on the village green so space will be limited.
Mrs Spong has begun heating the village pond with kettles of hot water. No urinating please.
Diary of Events:
09:00hrs: Kick the cat over the neighbour's wall (Manx cats are banned from this event)
09:30hrs Lamp Post lea...
I was stuck in an elevator with two women. From nowhere an odious smell crept up my hooter. One of the women, a middle aged type with horned rimmed glasses looked at me with disgust. Not wanting to cause a fuss I kept my mouth shut and carried on looking at the ceiling hoping the smell would dissipate and the Engineer would rescue me from this mechanical prison cell.
However, the smell became...