I know you have all been waiting for this announcement before deciding how to vote in the next election, so - now is the time to give you the guidance needed to secure the future of the British Empire.
We owe it to Nelson and to Wellington - the eye, arm and boot of our glorious history - to keep right on to the end of the road.
Now looking at the riders in the forthcoming contest we can see...
Hauled in before his Boss John Witt realised he was in trouble, but Witt had more than enough up his sleeve.
'You are being sacked for doing nothing' he was told.
'You have nothing to complain about, then!' replied Witt.
'I'm not complaining about nothing, I'm complaining about you doing nothing' came the response.
Witt considered for a moment. 'I've been doing my job for two years and...
It came as something of a surprise when there was a knock at the door of my office at Spoof HQ and a gentleman introduced himself as a mole from MI5.
I asked him how he had found his way to our HQ and he told me he went to Platform 8 and a half at Kings Cross and found there was no rowling stock but was advised to go to Platform S where he found a train to our place.
I had my doubts that thi...
Grandad, do you have problems remembering things?
I do. Names in particular. I have to make lists of all the nieces, grand nieces, nephews and grand nephews and learn them by heart.
You always get my name right.
Well, it's the same as your mother's and her mothers.
I get into trouble at school if I forget things.
Oh those awful maths things and the names in science. Real...
The Beatles stopped at 64, but if you go further the next mile post is 74.
At least it is for me because there is not much else to shout about. I mean, to have lived to 74 is some sort of achievement. I've had to remain alive and be getting enough money to at least feed myself.
But then the next achievement. Married for yonks - could be a bit dull and tedious but it is something!
Your fearless reporter has an exclusive today that will amaze many millions of people throughout the world.
I received a call from a caller who said Lord Dacre would like to meet me for an interview. Naturally I dropped the washing up and sped to the suggested rendez-vous.
The owner of the Daily Mali greeted me with a malt whisky which stimulated me. I began by asking why the Mali had decide...
To have got that Gay Marriage Bill through with Miliband's help was the last straw. A total disaster. To think it was Tories who helped it through!
My son has already been around about the wedding he is fixing with his partner, Jeremy, next year. He's a surprisingly normal chap this Jeremy - you really wouldn't know the feller was bent.
Augustus, my son, has asked me if we would prefer a wed...
I've sent my son to a Public School. He had all the benefits of getting to know chaps with the same outlook on life as himself.
And how does he pay me back?
He has turned into A RAVING QUEER!!
What is worse he wants to get married. TO ANOTHER MAN. To bring even more disgrace he wants to get married in a CHURCH.
My God, I can hardly believe it.
With all this upon me I now have my MP...
Bob 'The Diamond' Banks claims he didn't know his staff were killing anyone who they didn't like.
This extraordinary claim was questioned by News International newspapers. In an editorial in the Sun the editor wrote: 'It is about time those in charge of organisations took responsibility for the action of their employees'.
In a Government statement David Cameron exclaimed that when someone w...
Grandpa, what's Perjury?
That's to swear falsely.
I didn't know falsely was a swear word.
No, it isn't, but if you lie in a court it is called perjury.
So if you say DAMN that's swearing in court.
It is but if you SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH AND THEN YOU LIE IT IS PERJURY.
I have lied in court Grandpa.
Have you, when was that?
I lied in a Tennis court when I was exhausted. Gran...
After David Cameron had put his foot in it several times recently we can now report on more amazing feets by the Prime Minister.
First of all he has sorted out the Greek people, who were clearly in need of expert advice. 'Make up your minds you stupid Geeks' he exclaimed when making his unique contribution to the Greek election - the clever humour whereby Cameron replaced Greek by Geek produce...
'The only way to get Peace is to go to War' announced a world leader who has asked not to be named, in case someone decides to bump him off.
This was capped by George Unwell who remarked that 'War is Peace', explaining how peaceful the world would be after a everyone had disappeared in a cloud of dust. 'Cockroaches could thrive and no one would be able to step on them' he cried triumphantly.
Husband: Them Bankers. What a cheek. We help them out when things are bad and what do we get? A kick in the teeth. It shouldn't be allowed.
Wife: You can't blame them. You would be exactly the same if someone offered you a million.
H. No I wouldn't.
W. You bloody well would!
H. It wouldn't be moral.
W. Since when has morality got you anywhere.
H. No. I've got my self-respect. It...
Wife: Have you seen that thing anywhere?
Husband: What thing is that?
W: You know, the thing you use.
H. What thing would that be?
W. You really are hopeless!
H. But I don't know what you are talking about.
W. Excuses, excuses. It's always the same with you. You don't know one thing from another!
H. I don't know anything.
W. You've said it! Now can you tell me where that thing is?
H. It c...
You won't believe this but after the last election I was approached by a man who asked if I could help with an exit poll.
'Yeah I've just come out' I replied.
'Who did you vote for?' he asked
'Mind your ***!!! business' I replied.
'This is just to see how people voted so we can try to work out what the result of the election will be'
'All right - I voted for the Monster Raving Loony...
Oh Dear Oh Dear. I mean can you believe it? I've said it more than once, there should be a law against it. It's them mobiles.
I was up in Lonnon to see Plymouth Argyle play that Leyton Orient and I got on this tube. I tell you, it was like a morgue in there. I spoke to my neighbour and half the carriage turned to stare at me. And then they go out their mobiles!
No one talked to their neighbo...
The first signs of Altzeimers Disease are memory loss and confusion. One should therefore sympathise with the Chief Executive of a large media organisation who has shown these symptoms recently.
Not wishing to attack this person in name I will not upset his father by naming him.
Freedom of speech can only go so far and it cannot include an attack on the reputation of someone who has always c...
The bitter blow on Saturday which led to a West Ham defeat, when they could have led the Championship was my fault. At least, partially.
News of the bombshell about Beckham and Tevez joining West Ham next season, if we got into the Premier League, was hacked by an unknown Spurs fan. Fearing a debacle next season when Scott Parker might also re-join the Hammers this individual then informed the...
The sad tale of the distress caused by England's Rugger Buggers has not been fully recognised. Until now! Today we can reveal the inside story. It is shocking reading and boys at public schools should be warned to go no further!
We tell the tale of Jack Weed whose prowess at school in Rugby football was admired by all. He could tackle, he could score tries, he kicked penalties, he even played a...
It was claimed the so-called truth drug was slipped into the glass of water that welcomed the Minister of Employment when he visited a group of unemployed people who wanted to ask him questions.
Here are the revelations which will shock a nation!
'Why is Unemployment so high' was the first question.
'Well, if everyone is afraid of being unemployed wages can be reduced and conditions for...
I met David and George as they left Church, after worshipping at the altar of Tony Blair. They were filled with a new meaning to life: Compassionate Conservatism.
'We have met a true Saint today' remarked David as he wiped tears from his eyes 'we now know what we must do. Over to you George.'
George Osborne took over from his leader: 'We urge everyone to have compassion for the Bankers and t...
The desperate economic and financial news on a global scale is causing uneasy Bored Rooms to grumble as profits begin to sink into the lower regions.
David Cameron, whilst touring Libya on the look out for Bin Laden Gaddafi spoke to reporters as shells fell around them.
'Prime Minister - don't you think you should be back at the helm in Britain to deal with the financial crisis?' I asked.