'I have heard enough of this whining about people being killed in Libya - it is now clear the price of petrol is going up and the economy is going to suffer.'
I have heard enough about people being killed in New Zealand. Now we can expect the price of lamb and kiwis to go through the roof.
I have heard enough about the weather in Australia with people getting flodded and and burnt at the sam...
'It pains me to implement the cut on orgasms' announced Chancellor of the exchequer George Osborne 'but we have to do something about the deficit and this seems the best way to go about it.'
Shock waves swept through the beds of half the nation. Deidre Marmaduke could swear the earth moved when she reached her climax but then she realised that just at the moment of ecstasy a sudden shock left h...
'Every thing is on the UP' said City analyst Theobold Mygrief with glee 'unemployment is UP, joblessness is UP, inflation is UP, Bankers salaries are UP. We should be celebrating.'
'But growth is DOWN, wages are effectively DOWN, confidence is DOWN,
Tory ratings are DOWN'
'You are in need of education young man. Unemployment going up means wages will be kept down because people are scared o...
The Queen is not amused by the latest departure from Royal decorum as a grahic novel with Superheroes Prince William and Kate Middleton are shown stripping in guises similar to Batman and Spiderman.
'There must be some dignity, William' she told her grandson as he climbed on the ceiling and waved his wings.
'Don't worry Grandma. This is a new age and you've got to be in it to know it. This...
A grim Headmaster, followed by his staff walked into the school assembly and went onto the stage so they could look down on the uneasy crowd of boys beneath them.
'Someone has been lying and no one will leave this room until I find out who it was' brayed the Headmaster.
'Come on I know who you are. You just have to have the guts to admit it!'
'It could be me, Sir' piped a frig...
Gregory Hess entered a petrol station bought a cup of coffee in Seattle. After drinking it he went to the counter and politely asked:
'Could you empty the till please'
After some delaying tactics, the station owner John Henry (grandson the famous American folklore hero) opened the till and gave Hess $300.
'Thank you. I'm sorry about this but I'll pay you back.'
With a friendly smile He...
To replace State funded and establishment humour the Conservative Party have put forward the exciting idea of the BIG JOKE.
In future all humour will be created by volunteers. This will save huge amounts of groaning and stifled yawns and should transform the Government's image with the electorate.
However, retiring General Secretary of The Raving Loonies Party, Bill Scrap, said that with the...
No sooner are the words out of my mouth than we find they need to be eaten.
That gives me a bad feeling in the stomach. Losing 1-0 at home with Robbie Keene in the side. I will no longer predict anything about the Hammers ; they are unpredictable.
However I have had a secret session with Mystic Meg - she says she's sees many goals for West Ham next season. In what Division she does not say.
The question everyone is asking those in favour of forests is : Can you live in a tree?
Monkeys can but humans have problems. Therefore sell off the forests, cut the trees down and build houses - making a considerable profit in the process for the developers.
A new scheme has been established, after extensive research among trees. They say they convert carbon dioxide into oxygen but this pro...
I am currently under fire in the centre of Cairo interviewing people who are shouting at me in Arabic. It is so exciting. This is history in the making and I am here to tell you all about it. I can pass you to my best mate, Braveheart Simpson, who is now heading a protest rally - Over to you Braveheart.
Crackle, pop. Sorry Braveheart has bitten the dust. A sacrifice for freedom and well worth i...
At the outset I wish to make it clear that misunderstood articles from my 'pen' on Spoof in recent months had nothing but praise for Avram Grant, the management and team at the Hammers.
Those who claim my current views on this wonderful manager were not complimentary have simply got things wrong.
Avram does not wear his heart on his sleeve but he has the heart of a lion. He takes the ignora...
It had to happen. My rise to fame is mind blowing (at least I think that's what it is although this stuff I'm smoking could be giving me schizophrenia).
Now, after sorting out Cameron's problems in my brief stay as his Communications Director and giving 'The Two Heads' some timely advice I've got the BIG one - yes it's Rupert 'the Bear' Murdoch!!!
I had this strange message to meet an old Au...
A new threat to the World was revealed to the world today by Prof Mann of the Biological Study Group at Oxford University.
'The worm has turned' Mann explained to a packed audience of scientists from throughout the world 'we are experiencing EXTRA GRAVITATIONAL PULL. This fearful development occurs in the earth's history spasmodically. The cause is deep in the earth's core. This explains the re...
I never thought David Cameron would take my advice and stop being a public school bully but he has! I've put in my resignation as his Director of Communications with immediate effect and I'm considering an offer from the two Ed's to help them out.
With Labour ahead of the Tories now and bound to go further ahead during the year it might be useful to gauge the Opposition so I have drawn up this...
David Cameron approached me with a request for an urgent consultation. As his recently appointed Communications Director I immediately went to his office at No 10.
The Big Society, Jim Womble, I need your input.
Not a good idea.
Wooly. No one knows what it's all about.
Come on. I've explained it clearly.
No you haven't. At heart you may have a good idea. People are no...
Following my appointment to the job as the new Communications Director at No 10 David Cameron asked me to come to a one to one session with him.
Here's the result.
OK Jim Womble what's your view on my performances at Question Time?
You sound like a self satisfied public school bully.
Really? So how should I improve?
Praise Ed Miliband.
Now, come on!
That would make all his opp...
Following my appointment as the new Communications Director at no 10 I am initiating a new out-front policy approved by the Prime Minister.
This will be an open frank department and it is in this spirit that I release the transcript of some sections of my interview that got me the job, before Wikileaks gets hold of it.
Q Why do you want the job Womble?
A De money.
'You can av an interview' Ram Grant, West Ham Manager (as we write) replied 'you are a West Ham fan through and through. You know what it is to suffer.'
'Avram' I began 'you have a record that speaks for itself. Your Cup record is tremendous.'
'Thank you. However my record in the league is not so good. Bottom with Pompey, bottom with West Ham. I have not had many goals to cheer about.'
The envy culture is upon us again with layabouts criticising the Banks for taking well earned bonuses. What people need to understand is that Top Executives would go abroad for better deals if bonuses were not paid.' But where did this comment come from? A Banker? A Tory Politician? A Liberal Democrat trying to resurface? No.
It is a test transmission from the proposed Fox News!
So what have...
After studying the stars, especially Elizabeth Taylor and Marylyn Monroe and using my special powers to see into the future I can announce my Official Predictions for 2011.
After divorcing Prince Charles, who decides against Camilla being known as Queen Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall marries Royal Favourite Prince Andrew. As they have both been divorced (Camilla twice) speci...
'Do you realise that this is our first victory away from home in the league for 16 months?' Penny Smythe exclaimed to her boy friend, Leyton Orient Junior prospect, Terry Smith.
'That was our first match last season when we beat Wolves. I believe we were top of the table for a few hours. A long time ago.'
'But 3-1 away to Fulham. Fulham must be absolutely terrible.'
'They are. At this ra...
My father always gave me good advice. He told me that when you have been found out and have absolutely no way out you should get in first by putting the best possible explanation as to how you made your terrible errors.
So here goes. My wife is a wonderful woman or sadly was a wonderful woman. But she went too far in criticising my scrambled eggs. Many a dinner table has been charmed by my perf...