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Funny story: We Live In the Future. Enjoy It

We Live In the Future. Enjoy It

Remember that Qwest commercial? Circa 1999-2000? A guy walks into a diner in the middle of a desert, spots a jukebox in the corner, and asks the owner what's on it. "Every song ever recorded by every artist, ever." That commercial made me sh-t a puppy. I could not imagine a future where every song ever recorded is available on a jukebox. In fact, I thought it to be hyperbole. Fast-forwar...
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Funny story: Ricky Gervais Vilified For Teasing Self-Congratulatory Millionaire Public Figures.

Ricky Gervais Vilified For Teasing Self-Congratulatory Millionaire Public Figures.

If you've never done stand up, or written humour for public consumption, your opinion of Ricky Gervais' Golden Globes performance means f--k all to me. At different times in my life, I have both bombed in front of 150 people at a comedy club, and been informed that I had cancer: The cancer diagnosis was infinitely less frightening. Hell, cancer is curable, mosttimes. There is no way to cure an...
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Funny story: Blind Item: Which Gay Baldie Replaced His Dead Child With A Brand-Spanking New One?

Blind Item: Which Gay Baldie Replaced His Dead Child With A Brand-Spanking New One?

Blind Item: Which gay celebrity replaced his deceased child with a brand-spanking new one? Friends of the B-list colon comrade say that the baby they created to replace their deceased son is happy, healthy, and has made the parents happier than a Royale with cheese, with renewed spirit and purpose into their home. If a man writes an offensive blind item... ... and no one reads it, is it sti...
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Funny story: If You Were Born in Early December, Your Zodiac Sign is Now a Penis With Eyes

If You Were Born in Early December, Your Zodiac Sign is Now a Penis With Eyes

So, some a--hole has decided that, because of a change in the universe, and global warming and all, the zodiacs have changed. In fact, now there are 13 signs. This new one is called Ophiuchus, which was named for Imhotep, the guy Billy Zane played in The Mummy*. The zodiac sign for Ophiuchus is a bald snake, again patterned after Billy Zane. Scorpio is now 6 days long, and all of the othe...
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Funny story: My Father Was An A--hole. Or Still Is; I Wouldn't Know.

My Father Was An A--hole. Or Still Is; I Wouldn't Know.

When I was really young, my dad used to visit me one whopping hour a week; 12-1pm on Sundays. My mom would stay in the kitchen and I would be with him in the living room. One time I was eating Crunch Berries out of the box, and I would eat the Crunch Berries first, completely avoiding the other, less-tasty pieces. Dad said, "don't do that, or I'll squeeze your hands." My next handful, by the lu...
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Funny story: NewSouth Books Revises History In New Version Of "Huckleberry Finn."

NewSouth Books Revises History In New Version Of "Huckleberry Finn."

NewSouth Books, a publisher located in Montgomery, Alabama, -- Ground Zero for racial tolerance-- has released a new version of Huckleberry Finn, replacing each instance of the N-word with "slave." The Spoof Magazine... ...where freeform humor goes to die. Of all the slurs... ...regarding Native Americans (and who knew there were that many,) my favorite has to be "Squaw-f--ker." Who thinks...
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Funny story: Dear Bradlees: Your Store In Hazlet, NJ Has Terrible Hours Of Operation.

Dear Bradlees: Your Store In Hazlet, NJ Has Terrible Hours Of Operation.

Dear Bradlees: I am writing to complain about the Bradlees department store in Hazlet, NJ, on Route 38 and Poole Road. Will someone explain to me... Why the marquee sign for a Bradlees which closed in 2001 is still illuminated? Who's paying for this? If I'm 10 days late paying my electric bill, JCP&L are here ripping copper wiring out of my junction box, but the f--king Bradlees sign rem...
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Funny story: Coming January 28, 2011: Lock, Stock And Two Balding Mechanics

Coming January 28, 2011: Lock, Stock And Two Balding Mechanics

For 2011, the hottest movie from Xerox Guy Ritchie Studios will be is "Lock, Stock And Two Balding Mechanics", starring Jason Statham and Ben Foster, the Down's Syndrome sufferer who played Angel in the X-Men movies. It is a remake of a Charles Bronson film that no one alive today ever watched. Spoiler Alert! London? Avi: Eighty-six carats. Rosebud: Where? Avi: London. Rosebud: London...
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Funny story: Ten Things Smaller Than Brett Farve's Penis

Ten Things Smaller Than Brett Farve's Penis

In light of Minnesota Vikings (former) quarterback Brett Favre being fined $50,000 for causing irreparable harm to a defenseless (text) receiver, after sending New York Jets Gameday host Jenn Sterger pictures via cell phone of an old, wrinkled member that stopped serving it's purpose a long time ago (he also showed her his penis), Thespoof has amassed this list of ten things in the universe smalle...
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Funny story: Interview With Musician Rich Weiss, Part One.

Interview With Musician Rich Weiss, Part One.

Middle age is supposed to be comforting, right? Not in the, "My youngest daughter is pregnant, my prostate aches, and I have more hair on my shoulders than on my head"-type of comfortable. More like, "I've found my station in life, things are going smooth, don't rock the boat, hope the first heart attack doesn't kill me." So, what would you call a man who, nearing 40, decides to put his career...
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Funny story: Kids Worldwide Learn The Truth: Santa Does Not Exist. By The Way; Spoiler Alert.

Kids Worldwide Learn The Truth: Santa Does Not Exist. By The Way; Spoiler Alert.

Since the dawn of time, scientists have tried to answer the question, "Does Santa come with flying reindeer to deliver presents at Christmas?" They have a conclusive answer. "Of course Santa doesn't exist, you idiotic children," said Dr. Francis Pharcellus Church of the Santa Is Bullsh-t Institute in Afghanistan. "What the f--k do you think?" 1. No known species of reindeer can fly, because...
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Funny story: That Whore Selena Gomez Is Cheating On Me With Justin Bieber.

That Whore Selena Gomez Is Cheating On Me With Justin Bieber.

TMZ just posted pictures of Justin Bieber and my slutty pig whore of a girlfriend Selena Gomez leaving OUR f--king International House of Pancakes yesterday arm-in-arm. Yes, OUR f--king IHOP. 13th and Walnut Street in Philly. Right across from the Scorpio adult bookstore. OUR Scorpio adult bookstore. I knew that they were both in Philly, because they were both to perform at the Q102 Jingle B...
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Funny story: The World Extends Sympathy To John Edwards Over His Wife's Selfish Decision

The World Extends Sympathy To John Edwards Over His Wife's Selfish Decision

Many world leaders have called former Senator John Edwards, expressing heartfelt sadness and condolences after it was announced that his selfish estranged wife, Elizabeth, has decided to stop all treatment for her cancer, ostensibly to make the Senator's life more difficult. Obviously, this is sarcasm, and John Edwards is a piece of... Seriously, look at the horrible sh-t he did to that poor w...
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Funny story: Six Most Embarrassing Wikileaks Revelations

Six Most Embarrassing Wikileaks Revelations

In addition to guaranteeing that many Iraqi and Afghan anti-terrorism workers will be killed when their association with the US is revealed, Wikileaks' release of 313 jillion personal emails and other documents has shed light on what US officials really think of world leaders. Here are the most embarrassing comments released thus far: 6."She is an ineffective figure-head, but a smoking hot p...
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Funny story: Easter Egg On Eclipse DVD Leads to Hidden Second Rob Pattinson-Taylor Lautner-Kristen Stewart Commentary Track

Easter Egg On Eclipse DVD Leads to Hidden Second Rob Pattinson-Taylor Lautner-Kristen Stewart Commentary Track

Just when everyone thought watching the teen masturbation-fodder DVD "Twilight:Eclipse" couldn't be more painful, self-proclaimed 'Twi-Hards' have found an easter egg on the DVD that, when activated, unleashes a second hideous audio commentary by stars Rob Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner. "There is not enough beer in the Universe to get me to watch 'Eclipse' with the first comment...
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Funny story: I Want To See My Daughters Cry.

I Want To See My Daughters Cry.

I want to see my daughters cry. I want to look down, across my chest, and see them surrounding my deathbed, staring at me, crying. I am preoccupied with my death. I had children so late; I was 38 when my oldest daughter was born. I am 41 years older than my youngest, and 14 years older than my wife. I constantly feel like the grandfather playing daddy, a father and husband a generation older th...
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Funny story: Best Moments from Philadelphia's Spectrum, And One Spectrum-Related Murder.

Best Moments from Philadelphia's Spectrum, And One Spectrum-Related Murder.

THE SPECTRUM'S BEST MOMENTS. May, 1974 - the Flyers Win the Stanley Cup. They would go on to win the Cup in 1975, f--k up in 1976, and then suck for 35-odd years thereafter. March, 1992 - Christian Laettner Hits the Shot Heard 'Round the World at the 1992 NCAA East Regionals-Duke vs. Kentucky With two seconds remaining in a tightly contest game to advance to the NCAA Final Four, Kentu...
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Funny story: Aung San Suu Kyi, Number One Super Guy. Aung San Suu Kyi, Quicker Than The Human Eye.

Aung San Suu Kyi, Number One Super Guy. Aung San Suu Kyi, Quicker Than The Human Eye.

Proving that the Nobel Peace Prize seems a little hypocritical when given to a person whose existence perpetuates war, Myanmar Opposition leader and Nobel-Winning House-Arrest hottie midget Aung San Suu Kyi was freed Saturday in Myanmar after 15 years in detention, as a huge crowd of young anti-government protesters chanted "We're not old enough to recall your accomplishments." After being inca...
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Funny story: Lindsay Lohan's Latest Nude Pictorial More Pitiable Than Titillating.

Lindsay Lohan's Latest Nude Pictorial More Pitiable Than Titillating.

The most interesting image is of three women. The main focus is the woman on one knee. She is dressed in a fishnet jumpsuit, looking directly into the camera lens, a lit cigarette in her left hand. Underneath her a prone woman, naked, lying face down. She lies upon a fur coat, beneath her hips. Next to her, a fully clothed woman, holding a permanent marker. On the nape of the naked woman's...
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Funny story: Six Tips To Help Avoid Being Screwed By Your Tax Preparation Company (Like H&R Block)..

Six Tips To Help Avoid Being Screwed By Your Tax Preparation Company (Like H&R Block)..

Tax time is right around the corner, f--kers, and it's your turn to play your part in the Democrats Tax And Spend philosophy. Few things in life can be as a--hole-puckering --and rewarding-- as filing your state and federal income tax return. For many, the legwork can be excruciating, and worrysome. However, there is usually a payoff for the sweat and hassle, especially if you lie your ass of...
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Funny story: Kevin Smith is NOT a Stand-up Comedian. Which is Why 'Too Fat For 40' is Brilliant.

Kevin Smith is NOT a Stand-up Comedian. Which is Why 'Too Fat For 40' is Brilliant.

Kevin Smith is a terrible stand-up comedian. He doesn't bring the energy into his performance that most comics use to propel their performances forward through the ebb and flow of their prepared material. Wild gesticulations, mugging for the audience, and -- thank the Lord-- prop. comedy never finds its way into Smith's "stand-up". And that is what makes it brilliant. Kevin Smith selected filmo...
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Funny story: The Metropolis Phillies Undone an Incoming One to the San Francisco Giants Beat Night.

The Metropolis Phillies Undone an Incoming One to the San Francisco Giants Beat Night.

The Metropolis Phillies undone a incoming one to the San Francisco Giants beat night as Roy Halladay's arm was unsaved in the Metropolis break. The Phillies, despite beingness downbound a job, do breathe the favorites to win the 2010 NLCS and if net dark's dimension was any likable of indicator of things to happen, the Agent Association Call Nonparallel should be factual amusive this system. What...
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Breaking News...

Justin Bieber and North Korean Leader On Same Fantasy Basketball Site

Pop star Justin Bieber and North Korean despot Kim Jong Un are both on the same fantasy basketball website, battling it out in cyberspace over the comic collection Kim says Justin ripped him off on.

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