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Funny story: Forrest Trump

Forrest Trump

My name's Forrest. Forrest Trump. My momma always told me, life is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're gonna get. For me, grabbing pussy is like a box of chocolates, because you always end up with sticky fingers. I always knew what I was going to get. You see, my poppa was a multi-millionaire. I knew I would inherit that one day, so I never worried about getting a job or doing...
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Funny story: The Headless Hillbilly of Pickleville Hollow

The Headless Hillbilly of Pickleville Hollow

Back in Pickleville Holler, I stopped by a roadhouse and I was greeted by a group of old men who were smoking pipes and drinking beer. A lovely farm lass walked up to me, handed me a leg of mutton and some cottage cheese. "We have to tell you an old wives tale that has been spread around about every year this time," the fishwife muttered. "It's been spread around with the moonshine, the hard a...
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Funny story: Vladimir E Coyote vs The Trump Runner

Vladimir E Coyote vs The Trump Runner

BILLINGSGATE POST: Some of my faithful readers might recall recent stories where I have written about Wile E Coyote and the ACME Corporation. Now, with some license requested, I have taken it upon myself to recast the epic confrontations between Wile E Coyote and the Road Runner in a modern setting. Using the original list of rules implemented by Chuck Jones to set strict rules of engagement betwe...
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Funny story: Fake the Nation: A User's Guide

Fake the Nation: A User's Guide

Brooklyn, New York - - Back in olden times, when schools were schools and teachers were respected, no one needed to explain the difference between so-called fake news and insightful satire. But these days, citizens are too busy tweaking their Facebook mugshots to make time for critical thinking. In fact, most can't distinguish the difference between con games and cosmetics. This mini guide...
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Funny story: Trump's List Of Thing To Do On His First Day In Office

Trump's List Of Thing To Do On His First Day In Office

Trump's List Of Thing To Do On His First Day In Office Have Hillary and Bill 'mysteriously' disappear. Finalize deal with Putin on co-overseeing Russia's oil industry. Install a more 'Trump friendly' Director into CIA and have him assign a whole section to keeping an eye on Ex-President Obama. H-bomb Shanghai to show Chinese he means business. (Those buttons were installed for a reason...
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Funny story: Satan Has Sex Change, Changes Name To "Hey Cortana"

Satan Has Sex Change, Changes Name To "Hey Cortana"

After she checked out of McGillicutty Surgical Hospital in Dillonshire, England, Cortana met this reporter for an ale and to talk about her recent transformation. "Well, there's always been this, I guess--feminine part of me, you know I always wondered how things would have gone if I had been female, so after an eternity as a male I decided to see what life is like as a woman. And get the name...
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Funny story: The 14,000-year-old Cave Etchings in Spain: Back to the Future?

The 14,000-year-old Cave Etchings in Spain: Back to the Future?

Plenty of animals depicted in the etchings, of course. But that's not all. Analysis of the etchings provided some surprises. Here are a few of them: -- Renditions, at various stages of development, of the recently completed (FINALLY!) Second Avenue Subway in NYC. -- Flying thingies that resemble drones. -- An Amazon bookstore. -- A woman's pantsuit with the initials 'HC' on the collar...
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Funny story: The Machiavellian Guide To Becoming President

The Machiavellian Guide To Becoming President

The Machiavellian Guide To Becoming President (as channeled from the nether worlds to his humble servants Donald Trump and Roger Freed) Note to the historically impaired- Niccolo Machiavelli was a 15th century historian, writer and politician who emphasized using the Dark Side of the Force when ruling. Rumor has it that President Select Donald Trump keeps a copy of his book 'The Prince' at hi...
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Funny story: Ten Facts About Kate Middleton

Ten Facts About Kate Middleton

As a country (I mean the UK, you know a proper country) we have a tendency to fawn over people who wear incredibly expensive jewellery, live in palaces and expect the tax payer to foot the bill when their roof has a leak. So to play to the gallery as it were here are seven facts you didn't know about our future Queen Kate Middleton. 1. As part of the Royal Family she has several other titles in...
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Funny story: Meet "Mad Dog" Mattis, the Man Who Will Keep America Safe Again and the Doctrine of Military Expediency

Meet "Mad Dog" Mattis, the Man Who Will Keep America Safe Again and the Doctrine of Military Expediency

While president-elect Donald J. Trump vows to make America "great again," James N. Mattis has been tasked with making America safe again, The retired United States Marine Corps general who last served as the 11th Commander of United States Central Command, the Unified Combatant Command responsible for American military operations in the Middle East, and the Northeast Africa and Central Asia, from...
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Funny story: Woman 'Moans' about suffering 200 Orgasms a Day.

Woman 'Moans' about suffering 200 Orgasms a Day.

This article is really something to shout about "Dozens of women are suffering from a condition that makes them have hundreds of orgasms every day. Researchers have identified the condition as 'persistent sexual arousal syndrome'. American sufferer Jean Lund, 51, says when she told her gynaecologist he said, "You're every man's dream." Office manager Jean says, "I looked at him in the fa...
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Funny story: A Random Collection of Perry & Terrys Pet Hates with Pork Scratchings# 000352647

A Random Collection of Perry & Terrys Pet Hates with Pork Scratchings# 000352647

After years of research and a constant stream of psychotic experiences in the pub, Perry & Terry share what pisses them off. People who major in all the arts but can't draw the curtains. Critics who never complain after a blowjob. The humble accountant. They must count for something. When horses are called stupid names like "Transsexual" and you are forced to place an each way bet...
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Funny story: Dr Farquar and Happy Hour

Dr Farquar and Happy Hour

Happy Hour? Only forty odd years ago the minimum drinking age was 21 years. Pubs opened and shut with strict split second timing. Drunken or antisocial behaviour were not tolerated. The 'Off licence' was the only place you could get alcohol out of pub hours. On a Sunday morning, it was impossible to get alcohol. Now we have access to booze 24-7. Supermarkets. Nightclubs. Duty free 'booze cr...
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Funny story: In the Light of the Plight of the Red Cross is Facebook Crippling our Emergency Services?

In the Light of the Plight of the Red Cross is Facebook Crippling our Emergency Services?

Popular social media platform, Facebook, has been in the centre of a row with our global emergency services. Over 14 million 999 calls were made last year in the UK alone, to our already exhausted emergency services by young and old who want to share trivialities on the Internets most popular social networking sit Facebook. Other calls to counselling services, and missing persons burea...
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Funny story: Dr Farquar and eBay

Dr Farquar and eBay

Stuff You Won't see on eBay Robbie Williams backstage pass to appear on 'Trish' David Seamen anagram for his last name 'Enema's (who says nothing gets past him?) Arnold Shwartzeneggers benchpress (he won't be spending 12 hours a day in the gym now!) Laurence Llewellen Bowen's personal handmirror in scrolled gothic 'very euro bohemian' gilted in gold flake and old virginia with those...
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Funny story: Dr Farquar and The Generation Gap

Dr Farquar and The Generation Gap

How can life begin at forty? Surely it begins when you are born doesn't it? (Contributed by Alex Petty) Dr F. Life does not begin at forty. Ask John Lennon or Jill Dando. Why do teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing exactly the same? (Contributed by Alex Petty) Dr F. Discourage kids from spending your money on designer clothes and trainers. Have George Armani o...
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Funny story: Dr Farquar and Growing Old

Dr Farquar and Growing Old

People say 'Life begins at forty' but neglect to say you are fucked at fifty. If 'Life begins at forty' what would John Lennon have to say about that? Yes, old age comes to all of us. I am just a year or two off the half-century mark and already exhibiting signs of dementia. For example: Sleeping with other women I believe to be my wife. Shoplifting, obviously. Forgetting it's my round of beer.
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Funny story: Dr Farquar and Growing Up

Dr Farquar and Growing Up

How did I get to fifty years old without one risk assessment or health action plan? Am I a total fuckwit? Many a time I ran through the house with a pair of scissors as a kid and am still here I am to tell the tale. When we were kids we did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cellphones, no p...
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Funny story: Tweason Becomes 2017 Most Popular Word

Tweason Becomes 2017 Most Popular Word

Tis the season for tweason. Donald Trump, who has already changed the game in U.S. presidential politics, is now engaging in acts that lead to new words. Trump's latest tweets have coined the new word "tweason", which means the act by a U.S. public figure to disparage America and to embrace a foe by a tweet. Tweason has already become the most popular new word of 2017. Trump's recent...
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Funny story: Dr Farquar and 101 things

Dr Farquar and 101 things

Why don't.... ..Police interrogation officers get confessions by pushing the perpetrator into a darkened room with a random upturned 3 pin plug left on the floor. ..can openers have a 'best by' date on them? ..1% of household germs wipe out life on this planet? ..aboriginals when they eat grubs feel disgust when we eat caviar? ..we ever remember the exact amount when our parents asked "How...
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Funny story: Dr Farquar presents The Latest Least Xenophobic International Poll

Dr Farquar presents The Latest Least Xenophobic International Poll

I'm proud to be English because when we have a joke told to us, and don't understand it, we pull a face like we have made a mistake in our trousers. We don't just laugh politely, like the Dutch. The Dutch are a fickle race. You can get arrested for growing plants but for not smoking them. You can legally kill yourself. You take the piss out of the Germans and still drink their beer. I love...
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Funny story: Dr Farquar and Corporates

Dr Farquar and Corporates

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. All you see is burgermeat and self satisfaction. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant, and then an analyst to understand why the cow has dropped dead. You then draft in two private doctors mainstream bereavement counsellors. A Tibetan self-styled Guru. You join the Bahai faith and spent a fort...
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Showing page 2 (of 457 pages)

Breaking News...

Trump Stops Lieing Supporters Confused

Donald Trump today held and impromptu News Conference making complete and total sense, giving intelligible complete answers. Unfortunately no news media was present and there no witnesses.
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