THE TOP TEN BEST SELLING SINGLES OF ALL TIME ARE AS FOLLOWS:
1. If you leave me, I will kill myself.
2. If you don't leave me, I will kill myself.
3. I can't live without you. Until I get over it.
4. I would want to kill you if you ever left me but, as I am such a nice guy, I must spare you.
5. The first time ever I saw your face, I thought the Sun rose in your eyes. Now that you've...
At the Russian/Ukrainian border the so-called 'humanitarian aid' convoy sent by Putin stops to do a final check on what supplies they will be delivering to the Ukrainians on the other side. Two Russian majors exit the first two vehicles carrying clipboards and meet at the back of the first truck.
"OK Dimitri, let's take a final check on everything."
"Yes, Sergei. Let's get it over with quick...
American insurance salesman James Henry Galbraith thought it was just another tedious return home from the three-week business conference he had attended in London. It wasn't. A Heathrow customs official found a bottle of whiskey in his holdall.
"I'm sorry Sir but I have to confiscate this."
"Aw... come on buddy. Gimme a break! I always take a bottle home to the wife."
Satan Conference in Hollywood.
On this occasion, The Prince of Darkness used actor Christopher Walken as his channel. After a little dance routine, to the immense amusement of the packed audience, Mr. Walken took up position on his golden throne centre-stage looking resplendent in a tux, and fingering a gold-topped malacca. He mopped his sweating forehead with a red, silk hankie before beginnin...
This Weeks Top 20 Hollywood Movies.
1. It's Okay to Murder Dark People.
2. Killing the Innocent is Fun.
3. How to Kill a Thousand People Before You Get The Bad Guy.
4. Teenage Terrorist Nympho on Speed.
5. Terror And Sex Part 12.
6. Terror Stalks The White House at Night.
7. A Blonde Swedish Terrorist with Big Tits in New York... at Night.
8. The Tibetan Monk Terrorist.
9. War on Terriers...
THIS WEEK'S BEST SELLING RECORDS.
1. Now I Must Die. Help me... Please! Please! Please!
2. Tomorrow I Must die. Or... the day after.
3 Stop Hurting me. Please... Please... before I kill you.
4. Without You, what is the use of Living?
5. If You Go Away I will die from dope or alcohol, just to Please you.
6. I Can't Live with or Without you. I am a Freemason.
7. If you go Away, so mu...
The following story is indebted to Anthony de Mello.
"Merde" (real name Jean) Wilson was a knock-kneed youth with freckles that never left him until the day he died. He had red hair and crooked teeth and, despite his six feet in stature, never lost his slim build. His eyesight was none too good either; he wore thick glasses all his life.
The boy's parents both died when their car spun off...
The latest edition of the Dorking Standard English Dictionary was released to the shops this week. Publishers were celebrating after the number of words increased 3% on last year to reach a record 800,000. It means that the English language has completed its recovery since the great word crash of 2002 when many words were lost.
Here are a selection of the new words which have made it into the d...
Suicides were always a pain for Detective Malny. Always ugly. Always depressing, although he never let that show.
This one especially.
One of the most famous comics ever. The guy who always made people laugh. Found hanging by a belt. By his own hands.
He was met at the house by Detective Tromsa, one of the first ones on the scene, someone he had worked with often before...
With apologies to Emma Lazarus
Just like the brazen ass of Texan fame
With chiseled face broadcast across the land,
Here at our southern border gates shall stand
With border guards be-pistoled, in his name
Hater of exiles! From his ambitious flame
Glows unwelcome spite; his air-brushed looks command
The hate-filled folks who represent his brand
And hang on to his words so often lame.
We met Dr. Henry Kissinger during a brief visit to Washington's Grand Masonic Lodge where he was guest of honour recently for his sterling work on behalf of the New World Order.
We asked him some searching questions:
"Is it true that you were a Soviet Spy?"
He laughed: "No, of course not. The rumour came about because I was giving military secrets to the Soviet Union."
"How do you loo...
Here's some great tips to help you get the best out of life when running on a limited budget.
1. Don't holiday abroad. Book a caravan in your local caravan park, and come home to cook meals cheaply.
2. Take a six-pack of supermarket brand beer into the pub with you, and buy only one beer in the pub. Then instead of ordering more drinks, just top up your own from the can. You'll save a fortun...
For years now, people have feasted their eyes to the sky and have asked The Lord to come back to this earth in hopes for a better future. I'm sure god said to his people that he did not feel that the time is ready, so he sent a piece of fortune that would help them…"forget about it."
"I have a Netflix account" is such an effortless sentence. Saying something more like "I hold before me the powe...
Have bong, get frying pan, wonder why your holding frying pan and put back. Have bong, turn on stove, feel sure you got frying pan out ready to cook, get frying pan its not there. Have bong, get dry mouth, go to fridge to get glass of milk, find frying pan put frying pan away in correct cupboard. Have bong, wonder why stove is on turn off, wonder why glass of milk is on counter? and repeat.
The Yazidi of Iraq, now threatened of genocide, believe that God first created Angel Tavoos. Next, Adam. Then, God ordered all angels including Tavoos to bow to Adam.
Tavoos refused, saying, "How can I bow to another being, especially one made of dirt." Regardless of what we read in religious books, it seems that man is an imperfect creature.
Scientifically, man needs much more time before...
Mr Salmond found the time out of his busy schedule to speak to ace Spoof reporter FBI AL over questions he is messing with 'The Union' purely to get his name in the history books.
"Well of course it's nothing to do with me getting my name in lights or in the history books as the man who tried or succeeded in making Scotland an independent nation," said Salmond, "and in no way am I laying the gr...
World War One was a conflict. It featured some of the greatest weapons ever invented, including the first usage of the aeroplane, the tank and the machine gun in a major war.
However, there is one weapon that was used during WW1 which has been largely overlooked, but which probably affected the outcome more than any other. It is of course, the inflatable toilet catapult.
Inflatable toilets w...
With apologies to Shel Silverstein
Once there was a tree . . .
named Charles and David.
And every day
and they would gather her leaves
and make them
and play king of the world.
They would climb up her trunk
and swing from her branches
and eat apples.
It might be old moldy news, but being a newspaper reporter is the next-to-worst of 200 jobs in America, according to distinguished organizations which employ people who don't do much work and get paid handsomely for spin-doctoring public relations semantic weaponry disguised as "news".
According to Poynter.org: Newspaper reporters can add CareerCast.com to the list of sources telling them to fl...
I had a hard time deciding whether I should even bother with a subject like Television. In such cases, I just sleep on it. That usually helps. So I slept through a one-hour cop show, and two sitcoms, and decided to throw this out there. Television used to be like the friend who'd stop in for a visit every night from 7 to 10 for a chat. Sometime we'd talk about the news and sports. He...
Perhaps the most famous of the poets of World War One, Fred Jakes, is to be celebrated in a special service in the Somme this weekend. Jakes died there just seconds after the 1918 ceasefire which signalled the end of the war, from a bullet wound he had sustained a few minutes earlier.
Jakes was a serving private in the trenches of the Western Front, where he wrote many of his best poems. Many o...
In an exclusive interview with your intrepid Spoof sports correspondent, Paxton Quigley, at a secret refuge for battered men, Nicola Adams' partner William Anchor revealed the hell which has been his life since he began living with the Olympic and Commonwealth gold medal winning boxer and which finally persuaded him to leave for his safety.
WA: "Nando's. Bloody Nando's chicken. That's all I eve...