I'm just no good at small talk
Narrow and bijou
Microscopic and minute
Sorry, what do you do?
Dinky winky, little, dwarf
Incy wincy, klein
Matchbox, kneehigh and compact
Can I top up your wine?
Teensy weensy, minimal
Teeny weeny, wee
Itsy bitsy, miniscule
Would you like a cup of tea?
Baby, mini, miniature
Shrunken, titchy, speck
Narrow, nipper, iota, mite
Get naked? What the h...
ISIS - The Answer To The Future You've Always Wanted!
(This is the real ISIS, the one that kills anyone and anything it wants, not one of those wimpy organizations with that stupid Egyptian symbol of a guy with a jackals head, the image of which, by the way, is outlawed by our sect.)
Are you f___ed up?
REALLY f___ed up?
Do you dream of a life like the heroic characters you play for 5 h...
1. Freeze Turkey Giblets , then promote as genuine WW1 Christmas Truce Football Match Interval Edwardian 'Comfits' or 'Fancies'.
2. Mix up any old rubbish lurking in your fridge , with some Fruits Rouges ( or tinned Raspberries) and label it: 'French and/or Italian Rustic Preserve.'..then decant into any glass pot, stick a label in French or Italian onto it....money for old rope, but make sure...
So Si and Phil Robertson, along with this reporter, were deep in the Louisiana swamps trying out Duck Commander's new line of duck calls. It was a wet boggy mess in the bayou, and Miss Kay packed us a lunch of gator tail, crawdads and smelts. I brought the smelts, of course, and they were in the trunk of my car when I arrived at my Spanish moss destination out in the middle of nowhere.
And God said, "Noah, I want you to quit working on the ark."
"Pardon?" said a disbelieving Noah. You want me to do what?"
"The ark, Noah, you won't be needing it."
"But, God," protested Noah, "I've been working on the ark for the past four hundred years, and it's almost done. All that's left is to put in the shuffleboard court."
"Sorry, Noah, but the great flood i...
Directed by Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg
Starring Seth Rogan, James Franco
At least there were no stupid height jokes. There were stupid and even infantile jokes about almost everything else.
Asses (of the Kardashian variety). And farts. And poops and gays and inconvenient tumescences, and an almost pathological fascination with anuses. At one point Rogen is supposed to inser...
Many women forget to retrieve their cars when at the Boxing Day Sales.
Many of us get so addled and precoccupied , we forget we even HAD the car with us and start to hail a taxi , only to remember the SUV in the underground Car Park!!
Well here's some good news : No, it's NOT the Menopause and No , it's not an elaborate bid for attention from the local yummy Coppers, because we're looking fo...
It was a long, long time undercover to get to this point, thought Bond to himself as he took down the tall brunette clone in his arms and laid her on his bed for the 334th time, but who was counting. Perhaps it had been worth it after all.
All the waiting, all the frustrations, all the malarkey writing things he did not think were funny, for an internet spoof rag that turned his stomach. Still...
Pope Stephen VI: had his predecessor Formosus,
exhumed, tried, de-fingered, and thrown to the river. and his death by strangling.
2 The Pope who sold the papacy.
Benedict IX was Pope from 1032 to 1044, again in 1045, and finally from 1047 to 1048, the only man to have served as Pope for three discontinuous periods, and one of the most controversial Popes of all time. Benedict gave up his...
BILLINGSGATE POST: This new feature represents all that is bad about question and answer journalism. However, I feel there is a need to answer some questions from notables, such as those below, in order to satisfy the prurient interests of my readers.
Dear Dr. Billingsgate,
I read with interest your story about the woman who crazy glued her unfaithful husband's testicles to the bed frame to...
Sexy chat farmers: Phone:
Who's a dirty farmer?
My Big end has gone on Massive Ferguson
Coupling muck spreaders
Your turn in the barrel
Putting it about
Draw bar dynamics
Jug sizes (metric)
An investigation into the execution of Jesus Christ was commissioned by the Jerusalem Council after his death. In a remarkable find, archaeologists digging in Jerusalem have come across an actual transcript of the minutes of that historic council meeting.
The following members of the council... Rabbis Joachim, Saul and Jacob present their findings to chairman Moses Ishmael.
Moses: So, let...
Intrepid, rat-like reporters working for international seamy tabloids just got the biggest story of the whole millennium (and that includes the Millennium Falcon!)- they copped the script from the new Star Wars movie still in production!
Here is a summary of the plot:
In a place long, long ago before even Walt Disney himself was born a galactic wide war ensued between the good people of the...
Ted Cruz the Showman was a sleazy scrappy soul,
With McCarthy looks and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal.
Ted Cruz the Showman is a sordid tale, they say,
He was full of blow but Teabillies know
How he came to life one day.
There must have been some money
To propel him to the top.
For when they made him Senator
He became a Tea Party prop.
O, Ted Cruz the Showman was...
The founders of the Ottoman Empire or rather contemporary Turkey were descendants of Oguz tribe, or Turkmen, living in Central Asia, a clan of which was named Seljuqs. Seljuqs were a nomadic herding society, and therefore familiar with aggression and war. Naturally, the always-on-the move Seljuqs did not practice any form of known religions, but they did learn that rain was good, and were impresse...
We've listed just a few of their exhausting activities at Christmas:
1. Christmas Eve : Up to (and including ), a whole 20 minutes of smiling and waving at Windsor Castle Boot - Sale
( includes exercising British Restraint and not haggling over cut - price Tinsel )
2 . Sampling Local's Mince Pies with a hard - to -manoeuver plastic fork at Balmoral
3 . Nodding and more smiling/ waving...
After undertaking an intimidating new pastime, Vinyasa-style yoga, 28-year-old Jessica Dyer found a surefire way to bolster her confidence: the overweight girls in her yoga class.
Jessica, a longtime resident of New York City's East Village, recounted that the challenges of living in Manhattan's hottest 'hood, together with her lack of any natural adeptness at yoga, had put her generally solid...
The GOP platform that will be ratified by the 2016 Presidential Nominating Convention is now complete. Since the last convention, selected Congressional Republicans and State Party Chairs have been diligently working. According to insider reports, these are its major points:
1. We stand for the principles of torture, particularly rectal hydration.
2. We believe that rich donors should dramat...
A few years ago, the religious far right in America targetted gay people. They were classed as an abomination in the eyes of god, but in the last eighteen months, focus has shifted onto the transgender population instead.
At first glance there does not seem to be a reason for this.
The transgender men and women are trying to eke out lives the best they can in a binary gender weighted world,...
According to an internet report, residents of Menace, Minnesota, passed an ordinance making drone hunting legal. This intrigued me, so I placed a call to the mayor of Menace.
"Mr. Mayor," I said, " tell me about your plan to hunt drones."
"Well, it's really pretty simple. "We are going to issue hunting licenses and then shoot those intrusive little bastards out of the sky."...
Archaeologists excavating along the North West coast of Palestine close to where Pontius Pilate had his palace have made a remarkable find. It is a letter written on papyrus. Experts are not sure if it is a copy or not. Was it ever sent? Did Tiberius Caesar read it and respond? If not, we could well be living now in a very different world indeed.
Because what they unearthed is a letter from Po...
The Synod of Hippo in AD 393 was a gathering of Catholic bishops who established the contents of the Bible. A definitive list of books now currently in use did not come into existence until the Council of Trent (1545-63) was set up to counteract the Reformation by bringing clarity to the Church's teaching.
Biblical scholar Dr. Flynn O'Toole from Trinity College Dublin while doing research on t...