The Yazidi of Iraq, now threatened of genocide, believe that God first created Angel Tavoos. Next, Adam. Then, God ordered all angels including Tavoos to bow to Adam.
Tavoos refused, saying, "How can I bow to another being, especially one made of dirt." Regardless of what we read in religious books, it seems that man is an imperfect creature.
Scientifically, man needs much more time before...
Mr Salmond found the time out of his busy schedule to speak to ace Spoof reporter FBI AL over questions he is messing with 'The Union' purely to get his name in the history books.
"Well of course it's nothing to do with me getting my name in lights or in the history books as the man who tried or succeeded in making Scotland an independent nation," said Salmond, "and in no way am I laying the gr...
World War One was a conflict. It featured some of the greatest weapons ever invented, including the first usage of the aeroplane, the tank and the machine gun in a major war.
However, there is one weapon that was used during WW1 which has been largely overlooked, but which probably affected the outcome more than any other. It is of course, the inflatable toilet catapult.
Inflatable toilets w...
With apologies to Shel Silverstein
Once there was a tree . . .
named Charles and David.
And every day
and they would gather her leaves
and make them
and play king of the world.
They would climb up her trunk
and swing from her branches
and eat apples.
It might be old moldy news, but being a newspaper reporter is the next-to-worst of 200 jobs in America, according to distinguished organizations which employ people who don't do much work and get paid handsomely for spin-doctoring public relations semantic weaponry disguised as "news".
According to Poynter.org: Newspaper reporters can add CareerCast.com to the list of sources telling them to fl...
I had a hard time deciding whether I should even bother with a subject like Television. In such cases, I just sleep on it. That usually helps. So I slept through a one-hour cop show, and two sitcoms, and decided to throw this out there. Television used to be like the friend who'd stop in for a visit every night from 7 to 10 for a chat. Sometime we'd talk about the news and sports. He...
Perhaps the most famous of the poets of World War One, Fred Jakes, is to be celebrated in a special service in the Somme this weekend. Jakes died there just seconds after the 1918 ceasefire which signalled the end of the war, from a bullet wound he had sustained a few minutes earlier.
Jakes was a serving private in the trenches of the Western Front, where he wrote many of his best poems. Many o...
In an exclusive interview with your intrepid Spoof sports correspondent, Paxton Quigley, at a secret refuge for battered men, Nicola Adams' partner William Anchor revealed the hell which has been his life since he began living with the Olympic and Commonwealth gold medal winning boxer and which finally persuaded him to leave for his safety.
WA: "Nando's. Bloody Nando's chicken. That's all I eve...
Fat, wrinkled, old, or simply past its sell by date? Here are 10 tips to grow a replacement arse.
1) Buy good quality arse seeds or plants to avoid disappointment.
2. When you start your arse farm don't try and do it all at once. Put bin bags over a portion of the garden to kill off any weeds and just cultivate a portion of the land that you feel comfortable with at th...
A lot must be considered when picking the right religion to be on-line ordained into. Due diligence is key to finding the right path to enlightenment, and whilst it looks very easy for those tambourine-rattling, devil-dodgers on Songs of Praise and The Only Way Is Amish, a degree of actual commitment and clarity of mind is critical for spiritual success. My personal journey began on a Saturday m...
I have to say I am a little disappointed by this book.
I spent 6 months studying the French language, going through this book meticulously, I read it chapter by chapter - probably 10 times. After 6 months my french was perfect - in fact I consider myself fluent in the language. It wasn't easy mind you; no - it was hard - but I thought it well worth the effort.
Imagine then, to my horror, wh...
A Badminton Club's committee in Clapham South London is outraged at its possible political connections. Lately, against stern opposition from "myriad sources", said its chairman Alex Batwood, "we decided to form a new committee. After all, none of us knew who these people were. They just appeared out of nowhere."
Set up earlier this year by The Young Group it seemingly had no idea of its paren...
A new computer program called "SIMILAR2" has been devised by a leading publishing agency in London. Arnold Galbraith, the inventor, and rumoured to be a 33rd Degree Freemason whose father was allegedly a Jesuit priest in charge of Vatican Publicity, told our "Nabbed" reporter:
"We developed SIMILAR2 for our own writers. Basically, all writing is a matter of ideas, so we figured to help people...
LOS ANGELES - A new cable channel that only features the lives and day-in and day-out behavior of every species of shark will be anchored all day and night, every day, by the Wendy's Redhead Lady.
"I just got sick and tired of saying 'Now that's better' at the end of every commercial. It gets really old after a while," the woman, who is known by no other name except for 'The Wendy's Redhead Lad...
Here are 50 amazing facts for you to wow yourself and your friends with. But there's a twist! One of the facts is not true. See if you can spot which one.
- The ostrich is the only animal which is allowed to drive in Australia.
- Queen Elizabeth II has two anuses.
- The largest city in Britain without an aquarium is Bath.
- Henry Guillotine was killed by his own famous invention which bears...
"The Queen's 2013 Ascot Gold Cup heroine Estimate has tested positive for the banned substance morphine, Buckingham Palace has announced." (News broadcast July/22/2014).
An Interview with Prince Charles, courtesy of the popular investigative magazine "Nabbed".
Prince Charles seated in the Windsor reading room beneath a large painting of an Arabian horse by Freemason George Stubbs seemed qui...
Global warming "heretics" have today announced that:
THE AVERAGE TEMPERATURE HAS STOPPED RISING Since 1998 - more than a decade - the record, as determined by observations from satellites and balloon radiosondes, shows no discernible warming.
Heretics who print or repeat these findings are to be burned at the stake on the next market day.
The year 1998 was exceptionally warm because of a...
Lana Del Ray (no, we don't know who she is either) has sensationally admitted to sleeping her way around the music industry.
The singer (?) said:
"I have slept a lot of guys in the industry but none of them helped me get my record deals."
Learning of this amazing news BATTL news hastily arranged a interview with her to find out the truth behind the statement. We also took a guitar along...
As Bob Dylan croons, "The Times They Are A-Changin'."
For years, experts had advised thinking OUTSIDE the box. Be different and unconventional, we were told. Look in areas where no one else is looking. Find unique solutions.
The problem is -- everyone who is anyone began thinking OUTSIDE the box. It's become too crowded out there. Thinking OUTSIDE the box has become the conventional,...
I'm so excited, having just received a present from my darling Uncle Vladimir. A collectors set of Russian Dolls beautifully crafted in his image.
So cute, so accurate and just like him, so tiny. He is gorgeously unsmiling with that distant stare which some of his horrible detractors claim is cold and ruthless. But on with the list: his tiny bare chest..his bulging little muscles..his striking...
The Prime Minister addressed reporters, cameras flashed, the room listened seriously.
With rockets raining down the Iron Dome Missile Defense System is nearly perfect in dealing with the problem.
Thanks to this System very few rockets are getting through.
They are not a serious threat.
A pause, also known as a pregnant moment, occurred.
Silence in the news room.
Yorkshire Savoury Croquet, popularised by John Prescott, is a game played on a large lawn. Equipment consists of long handled mallets, two sets of balls and some hoops pressed into the grass. It is quite hard to play when inebriated, but larger beer hoops are used in this instance. The croquet balls are made from a mixture of chopped, cooked bacon. small cheese cubes and mashed potato.