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Funny story: What do election slogans mean?

What do election slogans mean?

As there appear to ber elections in the wind all over the world, in particualr the good 'ol USA, I thought I'd pass on some useful information on election jargon. Frank de Nighle III, a little known but well respected commentator on electioneering, has provided the following advice on election jargon. Frank advises that you should look out from some key words and phrases when other politicians...
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Funny story: The Dregs of History (7) Wurzel of Clutton

The Dregs of History (7) Wurzel of Clutton

Wurzel of Clutton (952 - 1000) Wurzel of Clutton lived in the time of Ethelred the Unready. He was regarded as a philosophical great by one or two of his fellow drinkers at the Harvester's Arms. He was a farmhand who worked cultivating barley, but only when he wasn't in the Harvester's Arms. Research of the parish records of the time indicate that he had a reputation for being lazy and wastef...
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Funny story: Great Politicians of Our Time - Henri de Floric

Great Politicians of Our Time - Henri de Floric

Henri de Floric (1911 - 1979) was a well-respected politician for much of his life. He was not affiliated to any party and represented a small constituency in the south-east of England, called Little Thugsby, for over 25 years. Born in the town of the same name, he never joined a political party. His independence gave him the ability to represent his people without worrying about party policies an...
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Funny story: The Dregs of History (6) Bartwald the Brain-damaged.

The Dregs of History (6) Bartwald the Brain-damaged.

Bartwald lived from 1152 - 1184 and was the premier jouster of his time. He performed many times in front of Henry II. Undeniably the star of sport, he had a serious following throughout England and neighbouring European countries. This consisted mostly of young women, including a large proportion of the Royal Court. It would be fair to say that he was the forerunner of the modern football star.
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Funny story: Retirement from Politics: The Perils of Manic Irrelevance Syndrome (MIS)

Retirement from Politics: The Perils of Manic Irrelevance Syndrome (MIS)

A good career politician passes away quietly while in office. By the time they reach the traditional retirement age they are probably doing very little of any use, but retirement means an end to the gravy train that is politics. Sure, you get a decent pension and probably a comfortable lifestyle, but unless you find your way into a cushy little job that involves doing very little but turning up to...
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Funny story: The Dregs of History (5) S.F. 'S**t-faced' Wilkins

The Dregs of History (5) S.F. 'S**t-faced' Wilkins

Silas Frederick Wilkins was born in Norwich in 1770. He lived there all his life. He was by trade an accountant. He was a conscientious and very diligent operator. Being in charge of company accounts, he believed that it was important to always remain lucid and not addle his brain with liquor. He did not touch a drop of alcohol until his twenty-seventh birthday, when he was persuaded by some c...
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Funny story: The Dregs of History (4) - Helen of Tintagel

The Dregs of History (4) - Helen of Tintagel

Helen Cooper grew up in Tintagel on the picturesque north Cornwall coast. Being the daughter of a barrel-maker that supplied the local breweries and inns, it was no surprise when she became a barmaid. It was also not a surprise that she liked a drink, rum as a preference. It was as a barmaid that she gained her reputation for having a quick temper and a foul mouth. It soon became clear that...
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Funny story: The Dregs of History (3) Corporal Ebenezer Scumme (1628 - 1677)

The Dregs of History (3) Corporal Ebenezer Scumme (1628 - 1677)

Ebenezer Scumme was in military service for thirty years. He joined the army in 1642 at the age of fourteen and served in many different regiments. He never rose above the rank of Corporal. His years of experience prompted him to put down on paper (actually he couldn't write but got Private Scrape Moulds to write it for him on pain of pain if he didn't) how a soldier could have successful and...
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Funny story: The Dregs of History (2) - Justinius the Comedian

The Dregs of History (2) - Justinius the Comedian

Justinius the Comedian (814 - 839) Justin of Corfe was a comedian from what is now Dorset. He called himself Justinius because it harked back to the 'cool' Roman occupation of Britain. He also dressed only in black because he also thought it was 'cool'. Most people who knew him thought he was a complete twat, but they did laugh at some of his jokes. He travelled through the kingdom of Wess...
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Funny story: How Parliament Works

How Parliament Works

Following on from my previous article about the Science of Politics, I have put together some further information for aspiring politicians. If you are lucky enough be elected to Parliament you should spend some time getting properly inducted into the basics of the system. This will allow you to slide smoothly into your new role with the minimum of fuss. It would be a mistake to think you know...
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Funny story: My Futile Search

My Futile Search

This is self-explanatory! My Futile Search I'm told there is talent in our political system But I've looked pretty hard and it seems that I've missed 'em I took myself off through the corridors of power It made me depressed and got worse by the hour 'Cos all of the members to whom I was presented Acted like kids or were clearly demented The place was just full of these crushing old bor...
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Funny story: The Dregs of History (1) - Joan of Aarrgghh!

The Dregs of History (1) - Joan of Aarrgghh!

There have been numerous people throughout history who have made significant contributions towards society's development. Many of these rightfully gained a place in the history books and are common household names. Leonardo da Vinci, Albert Einstein, Michaelangelo, and Sir Isaac Newton spring to mind. There are also, however, numerous individuals who through no fault of their own, failed to ge...
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Funny story: The Science of Politics Revealed

The Science of Politics Revealed

Many people make the mistake of thinking that politics is all about people and that science plays no part in it. These people are clearly wrong. I will tell you why - and I'm not talking about getting a degree in political science either. I already discussed how dark matter influences parliament in my book You Can't Polish a Turd - the Civil Servant's Manual, so I will not repeat myself here.
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Funny story: Are You Made of the Right Stuff?

Are You Made of the Right Stuff?

Our politicians often become the brunt of criticism and sometimes have abuse hurled their way. We all like to stick the knife in as they continually make us grind our teeth and shout at the television. Still, there are always people who aspire to these lofty heights and if you have ever thought about becoming a politician I have some advice for you. It is, to be sure, a fine and worthwhile career...
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Funny story: You Can't Polish a Turd

You Can't Polish a Turd

You can't polish a turd! This is an old saying with which prospective government employees should become familiar. Do not misunderstand me; the public service is a fine occupation for the young person wondering what to do with their lives, or how best they may be able to serve their fellow human beings. However, some things, like turds, are simply not capable of being made to look or smell any...
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Funny story: The Efficiency Drive (and how it Works)

The Efficiency Drive (and how it Works)

You may have noticed that the government rarely seems to change. Sure, politicians change every now and then, but the system does not. There are always protocols and processes that industry and members of the public need to go through before they get approvals, permits etc. Periodically, however, industry finds an amenable government and the public service is put under pressure to make the syst...
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Funny story: The Right Honourable Annie Portner-Storum talks about the Election

The Right Honourable Annie Portner-Storum talks about the Election

Being an expatriate Englishman who has lived in Australia for the past 17 years, I still take a great interest in the UK elections. This is year is no different. However, I am a bit out of the loop now, as I live so far away, so I thought I would get some inside information. I made a list of people to call to get some answers about how the modern system works. The first person that I rang was...
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Funny story: The 6-step Strategic Plan

The 6-step Strategic Plan

Every government or private sector department needs a strategic plan, whether they realise this or not. Many departments even get their act together to actually produce such a plan. The process usually followed is the six-step plan originally devised by Procrastinus in the early part of the Holy Roman Empire. Step 1 The executive management team get together when the realisation dawns that...
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Funny story: How to solve a government 'problem'

How to solve a government 'problem'

On some occasions, and these will hopefully be rare, there will come a time when a policy problem of such magnitude arises that decisions will have to be made and actions taken. The policy in question may need to be revised, or even replaced. These problems are likely to be due to advances in technology or science impacting on regulatory agencies' ability to operate, economic imperatives that migh...
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Funny story: 5 Tried and Tested Reasons Not To Work Too Hard

5 Tried and Tested Reasons Not To Work Too Hard

To properly fit in to a bureaucracy, a worker needs to ensure that he/she does no more than the bare minimum of work that is required. Such an approach will allow you to more easily follow the five paradigms of government, keep you from upsetting your co-workers, and provide proper evidence of your suitability for promotion in the future. In the event that some misguided employee questions your ap...
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Funny story: Five Ways to Brighten a Dull Day in the Office

Five Ways to Brighten a Dull Day in the Office

Life in the public service, or any other bureaucracy for that matter, can have its boring moments when nothing appears to be happening. This may happen quite a lot if you are implementing the five paradigms of government properly. In times like these, you will need to have some ways to brighten up your day and give your public service life some meaning. Cultivate a Grudge All good bureaucra...
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Funny story: Modern Government Philosophers

Modern Government Philosophers

The third and last installment of the Government Philosopher series looks at present-day experts on how government works. These people have built on the work of philosophers of the past and added a modern flavour. All of these four people are still making contributions to the advancement of the government system. Annie Portner-Storum (1965 - present) An experienced Minister Ms Porter-Storum...
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Breaking News...

Wi-Fi signal named "Al-Qaeda Free Terror Network" Results In Long Delay For Passengers At Los Angeles Airport

'Our networks are usually named as variations on: 'Moms apple pie - God Bless America,' confirmed an Al-Qaeda spokesman. 'Otherwise it would be a bit f***ing obvious.'
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