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Funny story: (The) News (Really) Bytes - April 2015

(The) News (Really) Bytes - April 2015

The Aurora Joker James Holmes trial finally begins three years after his attack at the premier of a new Batman movie that killed twelve people - Could we just have Batman seal him up in a forgotten part of the Batcave and save us the expense of having to take care of him for the rest of his demented life? Turkey, still denying the massacre of millions of Armenians 100 years ago, decides...
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Funny story: Letter of Recommendation for Fledgling AA Member

Letter of Recommendation for Fledgling AA Member

April 27, 2015 To Whom It May Concern: Hello, my name is Anomny S., and I am Claire's sponsor in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Claire asked me to write this letter to provide proof of her involvement in AA to assist the judge make a favorable determination in her case. I am bound by honesty, to myself and to my higher power, which I have found through The Program. With that...
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Funny story: Auntie Jean Advises Tara McClosoff From The Isle Of Wight On Showing Off Her Pubic Hairs

Auntie Jean Advises Tara McClosoff From The Isle Of Wight On Showing Off Her Pubic Hairs

Tara: Auntie Jean, On the T.V. programmes; "Hotel Inspector" and "How Clean is Your House", I have often seen the presenters, AIexi Poliizei and Aggie McKensit remove feral pubic hairs from beds, showers and baths etc. with tweezers and put them into plastic bags. The sound on my T.V. does not work, so I have long presumed that presenters such as AIexi Poliizei are collectors of pubic hairs. Co-...
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Funny story: None of Your Goddam Business!

None of Your Goddam Business!

Two strangers meet in a bar and get to talking. The following 'conversation' took place. 1. What is your name? 2. Mathew. 1. Mother's maiden name? 2. Coyle. 1. Where do you live? 2. I live in Madison Drive, Wisconsin. 1. If I said I wanted an aerial photo of your house what would you say? 2. Where I live is none of your business. 1. If I asked you how you got it, when you got it...
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Funny story: The Election Part Two

The Election Part Two

Part two of our look at the candidates in the upcoming election has us conducting a interview round the back of the houses of Parliament. Inside a large bin where the Lib Dems have their campaign headquarters and we were ushered inside by a blind man being led by another blind man. Nick Clegg was seated on stool made of the last elections manifesto, it looked hollow. He seemed pleased to see us...
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Funny story: Milliband Keynote Speech to Toon Town

Milliband Keynote Speech to Toon Town

Friends… I…I…what I want to say is this…that while I was travelling around the country…I…I met a girl…a girl called Mary… and Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow …and what I want to say is this…that…that everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go. (Pause for applause) And then I met a man, a…a… man called Humpty…a man called Humpty Dumpty… And, friends, Humpty Dumpty...
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Funny story: Port Augusta, the cross roads to everywhere

Port Augusta, the cross roads to everywhere

Port Augusta, South Australia, is part of the "Iron Triangle" which sister town Whyalla is part of. Port Augusta is effectainly called Port Agutta and houses many attractions such as the two lane Port Augusta bridge which was used in the film "Wolf Creek" Further attractions are the alcohol free dry zone covering the whole town, don't worry folks you can drink in the hotels but not in the s...
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Funny story: Advice for Graduating Students

Advice for Graduating Students

I'd been working as an administrative assistant at an Ivy League university for about a year when my boss, the school's marketing director, asked me to compile a list of inspirational quotes for the graduating class. I dutifully sent a mass email to the alumni, asking them to share the best advice they had for the students before they entered the "real" world. I then boiled down their responses to...
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Funny story: Act 666, Scene 9/11: FBI cryptonyms reveal hidden agenda

Act 666, Scene 9/11: FBI cryptonyms reveal hidden agenda

QM-NewsCorpse stringers have hacked into the Feds' data base and decoded anagram files of leading White House names. The following is a selection of latest codes which the Bureau uses in secret communications. If your name isn't on the list it's because probably you aren't important enough - or have already slipped the Director a fat wedge of greenbacks: Lynch** harlot in mid-oral = Hil...
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Funny story: The Election: Part One

The Election: Part One

The election is coming! Please don't misread the second word and call the police on us. This is our first in a number of interviews with leading political figures in the run up to the already predetermined election in May. We spoke to king weirdo himself. Ed Miliband. We met Ed in a windowless room as the idea of seeing clouds seemed to distress him to the point where he would rock back and for...
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Funny story: TheSpoof.com Dead Right Again!

TheSpoof.com Dead Right Again!

Here is a verbatim report from an article in a leading British Paper. We are not making this up. This is actually what it said: "Sex scandal Labour grandee Lord Janner has been probed over ­allegations he was part of a ­Westminster paedophile ring. The Met police spent six months investigating claims the peer - said to be too frail from dementia to be prosecuted - was a guest at London sex a...
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Funny story: Iron Knob, the little town that keeps up

Iron Knob, the little town that keeps up

Iron Knob, South Australia, is a pleasant surprise for tourists and adventurers who want a slice of the unexpected. Iron Knob is a former iron ore town that feed the ore hungry town of Whyalla. When driving into the little town you will notice the colour red is everywhere, at one time Iron Knob was going to be called Red Knob, but a Christian lobby group protested and said it sounded like an...
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Funny story: Snoring... More Deadly than Ebola.

Snoring... More Deadly than Ebola.

Scientists in Britain have found that heavy snoring or "sleep apnoea" can lead to psychopathic serial killing, paedophilia, joining the Freemasons and persuading entire nations to go to war against targeted little countries like Iraq that are rich in resources and helpless in defence. Notable heavy snorers were Caligula, Hitler, Rip Van Winkle, Julius Caesar, Marlene Dietrich, Doris Day, Pope...
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Funny story: Rejected Book Review by Salman Rushdie

Rejected Book Review by Salman Rushdie

GULLIVER'S TRAVELS by Jonathan Swift Paperback Diamond in the Literary Sky Jonathan Swift is arguably the most significant satirist in the history of English prose. Nowhere is this better illustrated than in his timeless work, 'Gulliver's Travels'. Since its publication in 1726, critics have recognised it as the most accomplished satirical castigation of Enlightenment modernism e...
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Funny story: Frankie Howerd on the General Election

Frankie Howerd on the General Election

Good evening, Ooh no, don't. Don't laugh. Oh no. What a week I've had. What a week, Missus. Have you had a week? I bet you have. No, don't titter. Don't mock the afflicted. Oh but what a week it's been. Yes. No. Ooh. Hang on while I make some adjustments. I'm still breaking in these trousers you see. Don't mock. I shall have to knock through at this rate. No. Don't laugh. Yes, you Missus. Ca...
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Funny story: Election Thoughts with Reverend W A Spooner

Election Thoughts with Reverend W A Spooner

Mood Gorning, I tant to walk today about the forthcoming General Election, which is only wee threeks away and is constantly deing biscussed in all the marious vedia. Some of you might fe beeling a fittle led up of all the telection alk and may creel like frying out: "I stan't cand many ore of this! I wish I fas war away hom frere." To all of you I say: "I hear you and I understand". It al...
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Funny story: Answers To Correspondents - Has My Wife Set A Snooker Record?

Answers To Correspondents - Has My Wife Set A Snooker Record?

QUESTION Recently my wife attended a hen party on the Isle of Wight. After several drinks she began a game with another woman on the pub snooker table. She claims to have had a break of 155. Is this possible? Additionally she then went on to play darts and claims to have achieved a nine dart finish, whatever that was. Mr. Nick Swarzkopf ANSWER Hello Nick. Regarding the snooker, your wif...
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Funny story: Rejected Book Review by Gordon Ramsey

Rejected Book Review by Gordon Ramsey

LAST SUPPERS Famous Final Meals from Death Row by Ty Treadwell Paperback All the Right Ingredients 'Last Suppers: Famous Final Meals from Death Row' is one of those quirky books that will either turn your stomach or leave you hungry for more. Most of the condemned inmates requested uncomplicated meals that would never be listed in the Healthy Heart Cookbook. Little wonder. I can confirm t...
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Funny story: Rejected Book Review by Hugh Grant

Rejected Book Review by Hugh Grant

THE ART OF AUTO-FELLATIO Oral Sex for One by Gary Griffin Paperback Gary Griffin's book deals sensitively with a controversial subject but I think the title, The Art of Auto-fellatio, is a bit pretentious. Since when has receiving it in a car been considered an art? I should know. In June, 1995, when I was grabbed by the fuzz while parked with a hooker near Sunset Boulevard, then nabbed...
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Funny story: In Praise of Snowden Haters (Totally Non-Satirical)

In Praise of Snowden Haters (Totally Non-Satirical)

The US have somehow managed to capture the musical talents of Jayden Smith, Siren Smilies, Bob Dylan, and Dustin Bleeper, putting them on display for all the world to provide the emotional response of their choice… Yet, somehow, that unpatriotic bastard Edward Snowden, who maliciously and unforgivably pulled out of his ass all that self-evidently fake and contrived bullshit about NSA "snooping,...
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Funny story: 10 Signs You May be in a Bad Marriage

10 Signs You May be in a Bad Marriage

1. He beats you up. 2. He doesn't beat you up. If he really loved you he would beat you up like your first husband... whom you should never have left but had to... because he beat you up. 3. You are not Jane enough to his Tarzan. 4. He is not Tarzan enough to your Jane. 5. He only married you for your money. 6. She only married you for your money. 7. He lusts after other women.
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Funny story: Dickheads - The new election debate show based on quiz show Eggheads

Dickheads - The new election debate show based on quiz show Eggheads

The BBC has announced that the election debate on Thursday will borrow the format of the popular quiz show; "Eggheads". "Dickheads" (BBC1, Thursday, 8.00pm) will feature several themed rounds. Round 1; "cliché repetition". Ed Miliband is odds-on favourite to win this with "world banking crisis" and "I hated Blair and Brown as much as you!" Round 2; impassioned ideology. Natalie Bennett should w...
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Showing page 2 (of 437 pages)

Breaking News...

Kelly Carlin Revises George Carlin's List of Words You Can't Say on TV

George Carlin's only daughter, Kelly Carlin, has updated her father's famous list of the "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television".
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