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Funny story: Dear Mr. President: Sit Down, Be Humble

Dear Mr. President: Sit Down, Be Humble

Nyet. Nyet. No, no, Mr. President. Here is a message you can understand. "Sit down, be humble. Sit down, be humble." Will you hear the message? Let's hope so. A president who cannot expressly condemn white supremacy needs to hear the message. "Sit down, be humble. Sit down, be humble." A president who threatens nuclear war in an improvised statement about North Korea needs to he...
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Funny story: Police Shoot, Kill, Nude Pregnant Woman

Police Shoot, Kill, Nude Pregnant Woman

An uneasy feeling permeated the squad room as half a dozen or so officers waited for Chief Backoff's appearance. They knew the Chief's reprimand would be harsh, biting and very personal. After all, the shooting of a nude woman had never occurred here before. And two of the three cops who pulled the triggers were in the room. Abruptly the squad room door banged open and Chief Backoff barreled i...
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Funny story: Online Dating Turns into a Family Affair, Leads to Second Date

Online Dating Turns into a Family Affair, Leads to Second Date

Portland. In an attempt to jump-start his dating life, Butch Putts, a freshman at the local college, registered his profile with an online dating site, Last Best Hope Dating, Inc. LBHD is currently offering a 20% discount for first-time daters and a 95% discount for returning daters, who've lost all hope but are willing to give it another try. "At 95% off, what do I have to lose but a little...
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Funny story: Tit for Tat's

Tit for Tat's

How am I supposed to get on with my life? I don't know what to do here…I have this tattoo, ok. I want to finish it but I can't…so help me out. I tried to research my family crests or coat of arms or some shit but not a single site can agree on what they should look like… might have looked like…bottom line, I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!!! Someone suggested I use a series of ones a...
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Funny story: Elderly spoof writer ponders stages of life!

Elderly spoof writer ponders stages of life!

You told me about conception. You told me about birth. You told me about infancy. You told me about early childhood. You told me about puberty. You told me about young adulthood. You told me about middle age. You told me about the "golden years." You told me about old age. OK. I am now 86 years old. That is VERY old!  I am now shitting my brains out! More is coming out t...
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Funny story: Keeping Up With Trump's Presidential Records

Keeping Up With Trump's Presidential Records

As each month of Trump's presidential administration goes by, more presidential records are broken. So far, just a few of these include: --Smallest inauguration crowd --Most unprepared for the presidency --Fasted trip to the basement on approval polls --Least percentage amount of offices filled --Most firings ever --First President accused of spying --First President since colonial times...
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Funny story: Chicken Little: "Oh my, the sky is warming!"

Chicken Little: "Oh my, the sky is warming!"

Chicken Little looked puzzled as a perspiring Little Red Hen fluttered down from the nest where she was sitting on a clutch of their eggs. "You left those eggs alone half an hour ago," he cautioned. "If you want them to hatch, shouldn't you stay on them longer than that?" "I don't understand it," the Little Red Hen responded. "I didn't used to get so hot sitting on eggs. All the other sitti...
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Funny story: I am Addicted to Pop-Tarts

I am Addicted to Pop-Tarts

To the Editor: I am an adult male in my thirties, ok, forties, in great shape. A family man. Hardworking. Loyal. I don't drink or gamble or smoke. Not even pot. But I have a secret. I am addicted to Pop-Tarts. Strawberry, never frosted, sometimes chocolate, frosted, and occasionally, around Christmas, frosted brown sugar. There, I said it, aloud, although anonymously. Can the voi...
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Funny story: New Gambit Shatters National Coffee Bragging Impasse

New Gambit Shatters National Coffee Bragging Impasse

All self-styled coffee aficionados know that, in recent times, it has become virtually impossible to achieve a clear win in a coffee bragging dialogue (CBD). Every connoisseur worthy of challenge owns a sophisticated coffee machine, and, with hundreds of coffees from which to choose, anybody can enthuse about a type of which his or her opponent is unaware - naturally adding the denouement: "I'm...
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Funny story: Encomium by a Conflicted Republican

Encomium by a Conflicted Republican

Friends, Republicans, deplorables, lend me your ears; I come to defend Donald Trump, and to praise him. The tweets that men post oft live after them; And good is oft interrèd with their boners. So let it be with Trump. Sarah Huckabee Hath told you Trump is a fighter. And so he is, however fatuous, And pettily hath Trump now proven it. Here under leave of Huckabee and the rest (For...
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Funny story: The Flies in that Proposed 2018 Mars Manned Flyby

The Flies in that Proposed 2018 Mars Manned Flyby

If Dennis Tito's manned flyby of Mars launches early next year as originally planned, the protesters will probably far outnumber those who come to cheer. Who would have thought that a mission to Mars could so divide this nation? The fault is clearly Tito's. He may be a wizard at investment management but he needs a public relations consultant to preview what he will say at a press conference. B...
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Funny story: President Trump - I have something to say

President Trump - I have something to say

I'm an artist and being an artist, I realize that I'm more sensitive than others. Not that makes me better, just more sensitive. And better. We're also more intuitive. Just the other day, I knew it was going to be a rainy day even before I saw any weather forecasts, for I could feel the foreboding, the darkness, a sense of sadness. Also, it had started to rain. But I wouldn't have even needed that...
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Funny story: Why The BBC Are Having Trouble Recruiting DJ's

Why The BBC Are Having Trouble Recruiting DJ's

We at Back and to the Left news are so connected with youth culture we feel like we are almost inside young people. It's a closeness that you would expect from a lover or a Dr who specialises in looking at genitals. Hang on can we start again? After hearing the news that BBC Radio One was struggling to find new DJ's we tried to get an interview with the head of the station. Unfortunately he'd s...
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Funny story: Donald Trump Has Already Broken Numerous Presidential Records

Donald Trump Has Already Broken Numerous Presidential Records

"In analyzing President Trump's term in comparison with other U.S. Presidents, we have found a number of executive office records that Trump has now broken," spoke a history analyst at Northwestern University. The list includes: 1. Most lies ever by a POTUS, beating Ronald Reagan's eight-year total in just eight months. 2. Lamest inauguration ever, with lower attendance than Presi...
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Funny story: Spellbound Females

Spellbound Females

Aug. 23rd, 1973 two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. They held 4 hostages, 3 women and one man; strapped them with dynamite, for 131 hours, until they were finally rescued on Aug. 28th. Strangely enough, during the hostage taking, it was observed that hostages had formed a favorable baffling attitude towards their captors, rather than the rescue team! Psychologis...
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Funny story: Cheated & Mistreated

Cheated & Mistreated

Animals enter life fully prepared, with all necessary characteristics and instincts. In other words, they work like a PCM, punched card machine. All expertly and reliably wired up. But, alas, Homo sapiens need to acquire their workable applications externally. Of course, man's mind is not that empty. It's got a hard disk containing many old files, archives, gradually saved throughout centuries, b...
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Funny story: Homos, Lesbos, Psychos, Weirdos, Paedos

Homos, Lesbos, Psychos, Weirdos, Paedos

Homos, homos, everywhere, Can you see them? Without a care Trumped as 'normal' Don't stand and stare! Yeah, yeah, yeah... Lesbos, lesbos, everywhere Can you see them? They don't care Completely acceptable "Let's be fair!" Yeah, yeah, yeah... Psychos, psychos, everywhere Can you see them? Going spare Live and let live... If you dare! Yeah, yeah, yeah... Weirdos, we...
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Funny story: How much of an asshole is Donald Trump? Let me count the ways.

How much of an asshole is Donald Trump? Let me count the ways.

With apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning, although she probably would have thought that Trump was an asshole too, as would her husband Robert, and any children they had, had they had any. How much of an asshole is Donald Trump? Let me count the ways: he is an asshole To the depth and breadth and height that fools Can reach, when they're wallowing in a dump. He is an asshole in every li...
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Funny story: Chicken Little: In fowl trouble

Chicken Little: In fowl trouble

They crossed the footbridge over the creek that ran along the boundary of what, years ago, had been one of the nation's, some said the world's, largest chicken ranches. Now much of it had reverted to sage brush and other desert plants. Today, reduced to a small farm, only one of the chicken coops remained standing, next to the large barn. That was where they found the man they were looking for.
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Funny story: Motorway drivers - which are you?

Motorway drivers - which are you?

After twenty-five years of extensive research (commuting along the M60), the results of traffic analysis are finally ready to be revealed on the eleven types of drivers on motorways to watch out for... The "It's Called the FAST Lane" driver One of the more obvious types of drivers, usually in a German-made car, these drivers will immediately, upon entering a motorway, get into the outside lane...
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Funny story: Hollyweird's Hottest: Brooke Shields

Hollyweird's Hottest: Brooke Shields

Brooke Shields was born of Teri (nee Schmon), her husband, Frank, providing the sperm. A "human mutt, and a bitch, at that," as she calls herself, Shields comes of Italian, French, Irish, English, German, Scotch, and Welsh bloodlines. (Her ancestors really got around and, apparently, got along well with virtually everyone.) She claims her lineage includes various royals and nobles, but neither...
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Funny story: Hollyweird's Weirdest: Ray Bradbury

Hollyweird's Weirdest: Ray Bradbury

Ray Douglas Bradbury, the spawn of Esther (nee Moberg) Bradbury and her husband, Leonard Spaulding Bradbury, is descended from a witch, Mary Bradbury, who was tried, convicted, and sentenced to be hanged in Salem, Massachusetts. However, using witchcraft, she escaped the noose and lived to age 85. Bradbury's warped view of the world was inspired by her example, he said, attributing his macabre fan...
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Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, and Bill O'Reilly to Form Club

It'll be a branch of the He-Man Woman Haters Club.
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