If you're British (we know you are if you're reading one of our pieces, there was one Finnish guy that read one and he died! Our work doesn't seem to translate well for international audiences) you will know that the Royal Family are better than you and Kate Middleton is certainly better than you and whatever shit you do. Speculation is rife with how Kate manages to look so young and unflustered e...
Politics is an ever evolving organism that lives, breaths, pulses and shits. My God does it shit. Occasionally it strains and pushes and forces out a smear so bad that it becomes self-aware and joins the party that shat it out. Out of the anus of the Tory Party has crawled one of these.
In the spirit of maintaining political neutrality Back and to the Left news bagged ourselves an interview wi...
As my friends grow older - we're all in our 80s now - the sportsmen among us like to compare aging to the back nine of golf. Instead of confronting the obvious but unspoken end of game event, they suggest ways to make the back nine of life productive and worthwhile. Although life may move at a slower pace, a birdie on one of the last nine holes may be more satisfying than one made earlier. But w...
Online and in-person surveys have mostly agreed on the percentage of Americans who cannot believe what is happening since Trump started running for President.
"Things just started getting more and more unreal. First there was the nomination campaign which was surrealistic. Then there was the press, which wouldn't stop covering Trump just like one would watch a train wreck. But the train made i...
Today I had the pleasure of talking to Mr Geoff Orill, renowned political satirist, about his latest book "They're All C*nts".
Me: Mr Orill, what was the idea behind this story?
Geoff: Well, Geoffroy, I imagined a world in which Daily Mail readers had been given the vote, and the horrors that could be unleashed when an incompetent government held a referendum on a very contentious but import...
She keeps the European Union a float
Though she has been known to rock the boat
She's not likely to flounder as any Turk'll
Tell you. That fisherwoman, Angler Merkel
She brings wayward party members to eel
She likes to mullet over when she does a deal
She doesn't talk pollocks when she faces a hurdle
Like a bream of light is Angler Merkel
As Chancellor she haddock clea...
"This is a really dumb idea... and it was mine!" Lisa said, turning to Ilsa as they entered the fraternity house through an unlocked back door.
"I think it's cool, Lisa." Ilsa didn't hesitate, being especially careful to close the door quietly. "But if the place is deserted why are we being so quiet?"
"The boys are gone but the housemother is probably still here during spring recess if she c...
Introducing Gay for a Day Spray. Guys, have you ever wanted to go on a date, and no woman was available? This is the solution, Gay for a Day Spray. Just spray it on and you become so fabulous. Guys around you will seem so cute!
Do note that this product is intended for men age 18 and older and is not sold in stores. This could increase your risk of becoming the victim of a hate crime, so protec...
Place: Lynwood Junior High, Lynwood, CA
Time: Spring, 1943, during World War II
Situation: 8th grade English Class
Teacher: "Class, what is the subject of most popular songs? They are often called BALLADS." [writes that word on blackboard]. "The kind of song Bing Crosby would sing."
Roger: "Most of them are about war!"
Teacher: "Well, Roger, you are partially right. That...
For those of you scheduled to undergo surgery in the near future, you might want to add a few items to your hospital overnight ditty bag. In addition to the usual stash of toothpaste, toothbrush, rosary beads, rabbits foot, Heineken, magazines and Fig Newtons, be sure to include the following: Magic Markers, pens, spray paint, Crayolas, road flares, neon arrows, and a flashing "This End Up" sign.
Los Angeles police chief Charlie Beck was repeatedly interrupted by a small, unruly group of protesters at a press conference last night as he calmly justified the latest shooting of a suspect by his officers. Beck's explanation seemed to satisfy veteran crime reporters present, who have heard the chief repeatedly offer the same explanation - "officers feared for their lives" - at every other suc...
"Now, Donald, I have prepared a few simple exercises for you [handing him a printed card]. Start at the top, and read all the way through."
"I condemn the racists and neo-nazis and white supremacists who . . . Listen, I know that the fake media want to distort everything I say . . ."
"No, no, no! That is unacceptable. You absolutely must stay on message. Start over from the beginning."...
Some people think he is a senseless pirate with nothing on his mind but broads and booty. They say that he never thinks of anyone besides himself and would walk over his mother to obtain a chance of winning a silver dollar. His mother to this day claims he is an orphan even after the DNA test proved she is his biological mother. His teeth are green and full of holes so the grimy lemon pulp and wat...
The Dopes were still alive and moved into the once-vacant fallout shelter in our next door neighbor's yard. How I wish they didn't survive the economic collapse, food crisis, power grid failure, nuclear radiation, radioactive ticks, acid banana cream pie rain, unselfies, or the pepperoni yogurt shortage. They are so awkward and strange. Who comes over to their neighbor's house and says, "Hi! How a...
January 12, 2016
Hey Santa. Ever since I moved out of my parents' house in 1998 I noticed that you stopped coming to my place. I'm a 35 year old man, but this I don't understand! You came every year when I lived with mom and dad, but now that have my own apartment, you don't show. At one point, I almost stopped believing in you! I have been hoping that you are very busy and will ge...
From: Editor, The London Gazette
To: Jonathan Swift
Subj.: Your Submission
Dear Mr. Swift:
Thank you for your recent submission of "A Modest Proposal" to the Opinion pages of The London Gazette. The piece was a most interesting read. Unfortunately, we are unable to use it. We wish you well in finding a place for it elsewhere.
We normally do not respond to unsolicited submissions, but in...
Nyet. Nyet. No, no, Mr. President. Here is a message you can understand.
"Sit down, be humble. Sit down, be humble."
Will you hear the message? Let's hope so. A president who cannot expressly condemn white supremacy needs to hear the message.
"Sit down, be humble. Sit down, be humble."
A president who threatens nuclear war in an improvised statement about North Korea needs to he...
An uneasy feeling permeated the squad room as half a dozen or so officers waited for Chief Backoff's appearance. They knew the Chief's reprimand would be harsh, biting and very personal. After all, the shooting of a nude woman had never occurred here before. And two of the three cops who pulled the triggers were in the room.
Abruptly the squad room door banged open and Chief Backoff barreled i...
Portland. In an attempt to jump-start his dating life, Butch Putts, a freshman at the local college, registered his profile with an online dating site, Last Best Hope Dating, Inc.
LBHD is currently offering a 20% discount for first-time daters and a 95% discount for returning daters, who've lost all hope but are willing to give it another try. "At 95% off, what do I have to lose but a little...
How am I supposed to get on with my life?
I don't know what to do here…I have this tattoo, ok. I want to finish it but I can't…so help me out.
I tried to research my family crests or coat of arms or some shit but not a single site can agree on what they should look like… might have looked like…bottom line,
I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!!!
Someone suggested I use a series of ones a...
You told me about conception.
You told me about birth.
You told me about infancy.
You told me about early childhood.
You told me about puberty.
You told me about young adulthood.
You told me about middle age.
You told me about the "golden years."
You told me about old age.
OK. I am now 86 years old. That is VERY old! I am now shitting my brains out! More is coming out t...
As each month of Trump's presidential administration goes by, more presidential records are broken. So far, just a few of these include:
--Smallest inauguration crowd
--Most unprepared for the presidency
--Fasted trip to the basement on approval polls
--Least percentage amount of offices filled
--Most firings ever
--First President accused of spying
--First President since colonial times...