I'm proud to be English because when we have a joke told to us, and don't understand it, we pull a face like we have made a mistake in our trousers. We don't just laugh politely, like the Dutch.
The Dutch are a fickle race. You can get arrested for growing plants but for not smoking them. You can legally kill yourself. You take the piss out of the Germans and still drink their beer.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. All you see is burgermeat and self satisfaction.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant, and then an analyst to understand why the cow has dropped dead. You then draft in two private doctors mainstream bereavement counsellors. A Tibetan self-styled Guru. You join the Bahai faith and spent a fort...
With the news that long term arsenal target Julian Draxler has joined PSG on a four year contract we at BATTL news decided to pre-empt all the news and sport websites. We are great believers in the hyperbole and complete shrieking nonsense around football being the thing that has destroyed the game. Not the endless streams of money (nobody says a word about baseball contracts, formula one drivers...
Questions from my patients. Embarrassing Bodies.
Do we all deserve the body we stand in?
I'm a zookeeper. My mouth is where my anus should be. My penis is where my right thumb should be. Should I be careful in the monkey enclosure at feeding time? Claude Nutts
DR F: Lucky you! So you still talk shite but don't need a dummy anymore?
I've an embarrassing body. It's the body of elders at...
(To be sung to the tune of The Christmas Song)
Indictments waiting in an open file.
Horse huggers basking in their grief.
Federal probes snooping here, snooping there,
Mean that de Blasio will get no relief.
You see the mayor has tons of influence to spread.
Plus he has to keep the homeless housed and fed.
But unlike Bloomberg, who knew how to fly, this mayor seems to be afraid of the...
It's just gotten old.
All this negotiating of different positions, compromise, civil discourse, trying to find the common good is tiresome. We're done with it. Heck we stopped talking to our neighbors, coworkers and relatives we disagree with years ago.
No one likes to be called names. And it seems harder and harder to find any truths or values we can agree on anymore.
Better just to ha...
"Trumpmas": A Top Ten List
What say we get the superficial similarities between the season's two hottest execs out of the way first, shall we? Both are known to be large, pale, white, hairy men with yuuuuuge waistlines and a habit of jetting around the world doing deals.
Here then is a Top Ten accounting of the "bright contrasts" between this holiday season's two big-shot CEOs:
1. I'm signing nothing!
2. George Brown, George W. Bush and his dad as well as Henry Kissinger, Barack Obama and J.K. Rowling are all tools, all phonies.
3. Hiram Abiff is an idiotic myth and you should all grow up.
4. Your controllers of the 'upper degrees' are laughing their asses off at the gullibles clinging to the lower rungs. Right?
5. Money is not God.
6. Sex is of no real importance...
Washington, DC President-Elect Donald Trump graciously offered "deep-pocket discounts" to all his new Cabinet members to take classes at his New Trump University in order to learn about their new Cabinet posts.
"I found it very beneficial" said new Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke. "I learned a lot. Who knew the Interior Department would have anything to do with trees and things like that? I alway...
Sick of that old sixties vinyl collection cluttering up the hallway? Exasperated by the pile of Superman comics in the downstairs loo? Let's face it, here's a great opportunity for throwing out your partner's junk. Exercise a little deceit - excuse me, I mean tact - when you're loading the car. "Hang on a sec, I've forgotten something..." you could say, as you dash back inside with a bin-liner.
I'm the cat amongst your pigeons
I'm the writing on your wall
I'm the black sheep in your family
No, I don't fit in at all
I'm the sight that raises eyebrows
The cause of nervous coughs
The fly in soup and ointment
The cap that's never doffed
It's me! The spanner in the works
The dust speck in your eye
When everything seems out of sync
You know that I'm nearby
I'm the scalpel lef...
Dear Charlie. Or is it Charley?
I read your book. Well, sort of. I had one of my people read it, and then summarize it for me, and I listened to that for all of 90 seconds, so I think I get what you were trying to say. But I gotta disagree with some of your conclusions. Well, one of them, anyway. You claim that evaluation makes people smarter, because the stupid ones die before they can...
You heartless bringer of pedophiliac child-molesting buggery with your 'chimney' indeed! Who are you trying to kid!?
You are the wolf in the "Little Red Riding Hood" fable taking advantage of the young like your female counterpart of the 'Wicked Witch' of the "Sleeping Beauty" yarn.
We are onto you dude! Why don't you take your mountains of mone...
Suddenly fake news stories are the In thing and do we have 'em here for you!
Get in on the latest fad and power trip going- fake news stories! Amaze your friends! Harass your enemies! Embarrass your mom!
We have them for you here in all shapes and sizes. And all political, ethnic, social and gender variations. Need a story to make Trump look like a hero- got 'em right here for ya! Need a tale...
For the New Pussygrabber-in-Chief
It's beginning to look a lot like Trumpland
Ev'rywhere you go;
Take a look at the store front doors, with swastikas now adorned
And Alt-right sites and Nazis now aglow.
It's beginning to look a lot like Trumpland
Muslims now look out!
'Cause the scariest sight to see is the threatened registry
By this orange-haired loudmouth lout.
A pair of jack-boo...
Our film critic from U-R-FKD magazine flew to lake Geneva in Switizerland to interview legendary film producer, writer, actor and director Werner Fassbinder about his soon to be released film "The Fly". They met at his mansion overlooking the lake. Werner lounged on a deck chair by the pool and stared at the sky. He spoke slowly as is his wont and with great gravitas. Here is a transcript.
I heard that Professor of Philosophy, Dr. Richard Styles, might be dismissed from his faculty position at Citrus Community College, in Orange County California, a campus that I visited to get this story. The grounds for his possible dismissal are indoctrination of students in un-American ideas and disrespecting students with disabilities. But the Board of Trustees who might fire him are in for...
A Message For Trump's Minions Worded In The Vernacular You Understand Best
In a bow to our supposed new President I submit this missive attempting to recreate the style of communicating that he does best in order to express myself properly to those who elected him. This letter, this message, this fatal death rattle is intended for those who brought him to power, to those who so loyally follow a...
Marksy - along with all the other horses - had no idea what "subsistence" meant, but they were told by Murdoch that they could look it up if they needed to. They didn't know how or where to look things up, so Murdoch told them the "truth," as he put it, telling the horses it meant "just enough to survive" for right now. The Boar also told the horses that it was just temporary, and that once the...
You can look it up. It may seem harsh, but calling your father-in-law a fool makes you liable to the fires of hell. After all, he may have been conned by the lies and empty promises, duped by a charismatic scam artist, or confused by the self-contradictory rhetoric. He may have a disability that diminishes his powers of reason and understanding. Let's have a little empathy here, folks.
But everything was not okay on Napoleon Farm. The Pigs and the Boars kept most of the grain and feed and hay for themselves, stored away in the old barn behind the two big towers Old Man Kennedy had put up. The animals didn't understand exactly why Old Man Kennedy had put up the two towers - not even the pigs, but Old Man Kennedy was a big talker and even as he hauled the lumber and pounded the...
Lord Britton removed his top hat and entered the door of the gentleman's club.
"Good day, Sir," said the butler holding the door. "It's good to have you back."
The Lord smiled at the servant and thought what a lower class moron the man looked. He wondered if he could have the butler sacked, but he had other business with the club secretary, Count Percy Twatarse.
Count Percy's bushy mousta...