TYNE. Big wetty. Not left right wetty. Up down wetty.
Also windy, windy. Like bum after hot curry. No go there. Very bad.
DOGGER. Like woof-woof or man making sex in car parking.
1053 falling. Not know what that mean. Maybe good. Maybe not.
Precipitation soon. Not know what that mean either.
WEIR. Scorchio. Very good. No windy windy. Like river back home. Number 1.
ROCKALL. No go there. It bugger all. No bar with whiskey and ladies with short skirt and bosoms. Just big rock. No good. Number 10.
DOVER LIGHT VESSEL. Big light go blink-blink. Not disco. Take boat North or hit France if not looky-looky.
MILTON KEYNES. No good. No boaty Milton Keynes. Train better. If boaty at Milton Keynes big problem. Take train to cousin's house London. No tell boat owner what happen.
MANCHESTER SHIP CANAL. Very good but go nowhere. Many ladies with short skirt.
No stop Liverpool. Lose boat if not careful.
BRENT. He good boy. He do it if no ladies on boat.
GERMAN BITE. Like normal bite but more wetty and more German. Like big German water. Mucho boato.
CROMATY. No-one know where is.
Sometimes 1014. Sometimes 1025. Always after number 1 eat time. Before number 2 eat time.
JIG-A-JIG. Missus Bristol, Isle of Wight. Maybe Missus White, Bristol. Me no well remember, but she very good. All crew. Even cabin boy.
That maybe 15 dollar.
Presenter: "And now it's time for Radio 4's criminally unfunny flagship comedy show: Clare in the community."