A priest has come forward to talk about his recent sexual abuse at the "inhuman" hands of the Catholic Church. The Church has been trying to modernise itself to get away from its medieval practices and poor reputation. To do this, it recently ordered a million robot nuns to help out at churches throughout the world.
The priest agreed to talk to me on the grounds that he remain anonymous. His name is Father Herbert Christmas of St Chegwin-on-the-Box's parish.
According to Father Christmas, he was being given confession by one of the robot nuns at St Chegwin's, when suddenly a metal hand appeared through the confessional box and began to "pleasure him sexually".
This 'robo-wank' disturbed the priest in many ways, particularly as he had been under the impression that all of the new robotic nuns had been castrated.
"It is an example of the dangers of the mechanisation of modern society," he claims. "We have all become accustomed to seeing robots in every areas of our lives. Who isn't on first name terms with their local robot lion-tamer? But these shiny metallic sub-human people might not be all that they seem."
He suggests that we should take a step back from converting our entire society into a robotised version of itself, and pointed to a recent ruling made by the Scouting Association. They cancelled an order for ten thousand robot scoutmasters, which were to have been rolled out later this year, after tests during which a rogue robot scoutmaster hanged three dummy scouts with his own woggle.
The company which manufactures the robot nuns - IBN or International Bionic Nuns - have apologised and promised to check all of their Robonun 3000 models. They claim the malapropos robo-wank was not due to any known behavioural patterns. Somehow, they say, the robot nun had picked up a bad habit.
IBN outsource their robot scoutmaster construction to Taiwan, and could not comment on the other case.
Anti-robotic sentiment has been increasing for some time now. To protest about this, earlier this week the German Union of Robotic Clowns held a sit-in strike at a local community centre. The strike was not considered a success as most observers thought it was meant to be a joke.
The future of robots seems unsure. Once it was widely believed that robots could do all the menial jobs which humans didn't need or didn't want to do, leaving people free to live in a perfect harmonious society. Now it appears that we need the lower classes after all, because nobody can do boring, repetitive, manual labour better than an oppressed human.