Written by William H. Lumpkin
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Monday, 3 October 2011

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Twelve year old Jacob Yates swore off video games for good yesterday morning in his Orange County, CA home.

"I'm done," he said. "It's impossible. I've been up since 6AM going over and over this one part, and I just can't figure it out."

Yates said that if game developers cannot learn to fix glitches before they publish their games, then they will have one less customer to worry about.

"It's not fair," he whined. "I spent 178 hours on this thing, and then I can't get any further because some a-hole couldn't figure out that the platform I was jumping to would have to be solid!"

"Jacob!" roared his mother from the other room. Apparently, Yates does not swear that often in his home.

Yates is not the first person to complain about this particular glitch in the popular online game "ZOMBIE KILLERS MADE OF BRICK-LIKE MATERIALS FROM OUTER SPACE." Michaela Halloway, a representative for Five Minute Games, Inc. (which represents the amount of time put into building a game, not necessarily in playing it), said they have received a lot of calls about the same glitch.

"But this is the first time I've heard of someone quitting gaming because of it," Halloway said. "It's troubling."

"Is it?" I asked.

"No," she admitted. "We're just told to say that. What do I care what one brat says? You know kids. He'll be back playing in less than a half an hour."

Yates, however, is determined not to.

"I wasted a lot of time on that piece of sh--"

"JACOB!"

"-on that game," he said. "I feel like there's so much more I could be doing. I mean, really. Is this all there is? Is there nothing more? How many zombies and ninjas do I have to kill before I figure out what to do with my life?"

So what will Yates do instead of playing games?

"I don't know yet," he admitted, "but I'm getting pretty close to puberty. I'm guessing I'm going to be spending a lot more time in my bedroom, brooding about the unfairness of life and listening to songs my parents will never understand. I'll probably take an interest in girls, too, so that should be a good distraction."

Yes, but how long will it take for Yates to swear off girls and go back to video games, like the rest of us? Only time will tell.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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