Dear Sir (but definitely not madam),
I would like to complain in the strongest possible manner about nothing in particular or of any significance. As a middle aged man in the autumn of my life, I am utterly disgusted by most things; even the sight of Crocs makes me want to expunge a peasant's mortgage application. How can I, an outside minority representing the majority, endure any longer the state of nothing in particular or of any significance?
It is my civic duty to bring to the public's attention the demise of nothing in particular or of any significance. No longer will I accept the status quo and ignore the anaemic looking elephant in the room. No, you may not "ax" me "somefink", you may no longer "poke" me on "facey-mcbook" and under no circumstances do I want to switch utility suppliers (your name is blatantly not "Stephen", you are calling from India!).
What has this country come to?!?! In my day, we would not allow this to happen. *Insert vaguely racist comment about foreigners containing the phrase "coming over here, stealing our jobs*. The world was perfect when we had military service, rationing and domestic violence. I blame the demise of this country wholly on the people.....and skinny jeans! The nation would be a better place if it was just me, on my own, enjoying my lapsang souchong, reading my Dan Brown novels and claiming to be an expert on every subject known to man.....apart from anything vaguely associated with homosexuals.
In all of this, the person that loses out most is ME. Stuff all of the children, hanging around street corners drinking alcopops and spitting. They should be down the mines doing a hard day's work for a pittance! Hang them all I say. That would get rid of childhood obesity.
Medical problems continue to flood in. The strain of worry about nothing in particular or of any significance has meant that both of my arms have fallen off, forcing me to develop telekinesis to work the keyboard. I think I need to have a long lie down in a darkened room, or else my colour blindness will return, and I will no longer be able to distinguish who to be prejudiced against.
Yours with the deepest disgust,