Written by Inchcock
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Sunday, 2 October 2011

image for Advice to anyone visiting Nottingham's once peaceful, picturesque Arboretum Nottingham Arboretum - Where apparently the flora, filth, and ferocious folk flourish!

The following statement was given to the Nottingham police, by a 65 year old, 5'3" tall, made redundant, overweight, bald, bespectacled, hearing aids wearing, depressed, cardiac suffering, arthritic, lesser endowed man, after he'd decided to take a walk for the first time in years through the Nottingham Arboretum, to feed the ducks, in an effort to cheer himself up a bit.

On Friday 1st October, I took a walk to the Nottingham Arboretum on Dryden Street.

I meandered down the contraceptive ridden top path, walking down through the bottles and food packages, and the abandoned broken umbrella, to the duck pond at the bottom.

The ducks were not around, so I fed the pigeons some bread, as I rebuffed the foul mouthed down-and-out asking me for money.

As I was walking between some bushes and trees towards the exit, two youths appeared, one holding a knife, and they demanded my cash and cash card.

They were very unhappy when I told them I did not have a cash card on me, then produced the £2.45 in cash I had... they searched me, then belted me around the head, and ran off with my carrier bag, that contained an apple, some medications, a pack of tissues, a pot of nuts, and a small carton of orange juice.

As I rose from the ground, I realised I'd landed in some dog excrement.

At least they did not take my bus pass!

So, anyone visiting Nottingham for a holiday or cultural visit, (although I cannot think of why anyone should) would do well to be aware of these incidents, and give the Nottingham Arboretum a wide berth!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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