Written by Daz McKinley
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Saturday, 1 October 2011

Australian federal politicians have woken up to the surprise news they are going to get 500% pay rises.Speaking in Canberra, Prime Minister with the world's worst Aussie accent, Julia Gillard made this speech.

G'day all 'n' sundry. This has come as a compleeeete shock to us all. The Indeeeependent Pay Tribunal, chaired by me brother-in-law Josh Bigballs, has decided all us polies need a bit of extra dosh in the bank account.

Whilst the pay increase is a little above the inflation rate, well it's actually one hundred times the inflation rate, allowin' for roundin', we haven't had a rise for at least six months - about as long as it's been for me partner Tim - yeah, Tim doesn't get many rises, heh heh (nod, nod, nod).

Anyways, where was Oi? Oh yeah, the 500% pay rise. Oi just wanna dispel rumours about any shenanigans goin' on here (nod, nod, nod). Yeah, true, the entire panel of the Indeeeependent Pay Tribunal were given honours in the Aussie New Years Honours list this year. And y'eeeaahh, the Government did award the panel 300% pay increases last month (nod, nod, nod). But, as the Prime Minister who wasn't gonna introduce the Carbon Tax we are now introducing, yas must belieeeeve me when Oi say this decision is squeeeeaky clean and Oi'm lookin' forward to Josh Bigballs' pre-selection for the seat of Armpit later this year, nice to get me family involved, aye?

And gettin' this dosh in now is nothin' to do with the fact that my Government, in fact every single bloody Labour MP, will lose their jobs in eighteeeen months when we have an election. Oi wish a happy and prosperous week to all yous homeless Aussies out there.

Sorry about the under-funded educaaaation system and health service, but we had to get the money from somewhere to fund our pay rises. Avagoodone (nod, nod, nod).

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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