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[Now that the furore has subsided I'm again opening up the forum to your letters and emails on the 'Dorking Review' debate. Also you can Skype me if you want, but chances are I'll either be down the pub, watching Corrie or in the middle of a mammoth stir-fry. Still, give it a go...Ed.]

Hello everyone!

I saw a rainbow today and you know what? It's true what they say! It was all colours of the rainbow! I am soooo very lucky.

Hugs and xxx, Pixie Peapod, Pendle, Lancs.

[That's lovely Pixie, but can you please stay on topic. :) Ed.]

...............

Dear Sir,

Thank you for the chance to reply to the ludicrous assertion of Professor Lammington Spar in the last 'Dorking Review' debate to the effect that Dorking is a fictional place. I am living proof that the lovely market town of Dorking does indeed exist!

And if the 'Professor' (btw is there a 'Brigadoon' University?) doubts it, he is welcome to come down here to Surrey and stay at our humble abode. Although he would have to sleep on the sofa-bed, as we currently have a lodger in the second bedroom and Mrs Hodgkiss uses the spare box room as her office.

Yours,

Ernest Hodgkiss, Plomley Villas, Dorking, Surrey.

............

From @jade-licks-jam (via email)

hiya agin eddie-baby!!£$1 Loooooollz. n e chance u can un-bann mi dave now coz he reeelly is mental bonkerz lkie wot u band him b4.an hes geluzz coz u an me get on? lololooolz i stil fink teh dorkins peepul r noncezz tho. xxx

[Nope. Hell will freeze over first. Ed. PS: You're banned too.]
............

Sir,

It is most magnanimous of you to open up the 'Dorking' debate once more. Open up... open up like a luscious oyster. Or a nubile lady's legs, inner thighs akimbo and quivering with anticipation of the mysteries and joys that await her...

But I digress. I noticed on the last debate that @Top_Tampax (?) mentioned that there was to be a West End premiere of 'The Dorking Review'. Do you know if it is a musical and will there be any on-stage nudity - in the interests of creative expression, naturally - involved? If so, I would very much like to attend. Do you do tickets? A cheap-day return to Baldock, if you'd be so kind.

Thank you for asking,

Laidlaw Adyebongo (Mrs), Tring.

............

From @Fermatts_Last_Theorem20 (via email)

Dear Ed,

Re the Dorking conundrum; this time I will keep it brief, I promise.

In the history of differential calculus, which first originated in the Egyptian Moscow papyrus (c. 1820 BC); not of course to be confused with heuristics, which Archimedes postulated...

[Real sorry to do it again @FLT, but I'll overload the server if I publish all the pages you've emailed. I've cut it down just a tad. Ed.]

...in the cesspit with a tortoise and a pickled walnut.

Yours, F_L_T20 MIT, Mass, USA

............

Dear Sir/Madam,

This really isn't funny! I'm hopping mad - [Tell us something we don't know. Ed.]

Lady Esmée Twatt Labradoodle, Canada

............

Dear Sir/Madam,

As Victor Mildew used to say, "I just cannot belieeeve it!" [No he didn't. Now fuck off! Ed.]

Lady Esmée Twatt Labradoodle, Canada

............

Dear sir,

I'd like to address Mr Hodgkiss for his kind, but seriously delusional invitation to visit him in the fictional town of Dorking. What am I to do? Catch an equally fictitious train from my home in Brigadoon down to this imaginary 'Erewhon' of his?! Beggars belief.

Mr H: May I suggest you see your GP soonest and seek therapy.

Yours,

Prof. Lammington Spar Brigadoon, Scotland.

............

(via Skype) Legs_&_Co_69 'Come UP and see me sometime...'

View Earlier Messages... Hiya hunky-boy! Liking the avatar.... is that hair yours? The ponytails too?!! ;) Why don't you switch your vid on and we can do some sexy webcam hmmm? OK... this debate of yours... wasn't it doctor johnston that said "if a man is tired of dorking he's tired of life"? Are you tired or are you up for a red hot session of hardcore dorking? C'mon you know you want to......

[Er, make it 2am GMT and we'll not be disturbed. :-P Ed.]

............

Dear Sir,

Who the bloody hell does this 'Professor' Lammington Spar think he is? Mrs Hodgkiss has gone to all the trouble to make up the sofa bed for his visit - with clean sheets AND hot water bottle to boot! More than I get. And yet this chap still insists that it is I who is doolally-tap!! I suggest he looks Dorking up on Google maps, then issue me a profuse and grovelling apology. He'll find it between Leatherhead and Horsham!!

Which is more than can be said for where he supposedly hails from. I've found a Lornadoon, Gerrumdoon and Doondoon-Diddelydoon in Scotland, but not one peep of a 'Brigadoon' on Goggle Maps. I look forward to Mister Spar's response!

Yours, peeved,

Ernest Hodgkiss, Plomley Villas, Dorking, Surrey.

............

From @Jonny_Bangers (via email)

AAAHAAAHAAAAHHAAAAAAHAAAAAA! Just reading this Dorking Review book. Its the dogs bollox!! AHHHHHAAAAAAAAAHAAAAHHAAAAA!! Mind you I laff at anything me. AHAHAAAAAAHAAAAaaaaHA

............

Dear sir,

I'd like you to finish this thread please, before I'm found out.

Yours,

(Ex-Prof. Emeritus) Lammington Spar Brigadoon, Scotland.

[Done. I'm off onto Skype. Ed.]


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